Curing your Braves Blues
Note: The following appeared in the August 4 edition of the Statesboro Herald
Dear Braves Fans,
As we enter August, the Braves appear to be reaching the end of their run of consecutive division titles that stretches back to 1991. (For the sake of a better story, we'll pretend the Braves weren't six games behind the Montreal Expos when the 1994 strike happened. In fact, let's just say 1994 never happened.)
Because of that unprecedented string of success, there's an entire generation of Braves fans who don't know how to deal with an August and September of essentially meaningless baseball games.
Sure, there's still the hope of the Wild Card. And while the Braves are only a few games behind Cincinnati, there are eight teams between the Braves and the Reds. Yeah, there's hope, but there's also hope Katie Holmes will regain her sanity long enough to leave Tom Cruise, only to lose said sanity and fall madly in love with me. (And in the unlikely event the Braves do make the playoffs, I like my crow baked with a zesty lemon flavoring.)
As the Statesboro Herald's resident Cubs fan, I've experienced far more than my fair share of meaningless August and September games and in effort to help you though this troubling time, I'd like share my advice for surviving the dog days of summer with your team out of the race.
1. Turn your attention to your fantasy team. Now that you don't care how the Braves do, you can hope Carlos Beltran or Ryan Howard hit a three-run homer against Atlanta. Sure, it might lead to the Braves losing, but it would help the Fighting Squirrels (your fantasy team name may vary) make it into the playoffs.
Find the one guy in your league that still has hope for the Braves and loot and plunder their team by trading him all your Atlanta players. Don't feel bad about it. Your fantasy team is your top priority now. Next April, you can start to care more about the Braves than the Wal-Mart Low Prices (Why Wal-Mart Low Prices? Because nobody beats Wal-Mart's Low Prices.) For now, you are cold, calculating owner bent on world domination, or at least beating your friends in fantasy baseball.
2. Find a team to hate and send all your negative karma towards them. Call it the anti-Earl
Hickey rule.
For me, I spend all my frustration over another disappointing season by rooting against the Yankees. (Even my anti-teams don't do what I want.)
For you, it could be the Mets, Cardinals, Phillies or the Cubs (although wishing more losses on the Cubs seems a bit like saying the ocean needs more water.)
Remember, your goal here is to make the rest of this season as miserable for as many people as possible. Your summer is ruined; so don't let anyone else enjoy it either. If that means your boss is a San Francisco Giants fan, you start staying up late to watch the west coast games and hoping the Dodgers get on a hot streak.
3.Learn your minor league players as the odds are you'll be seeing them soon. With so many young players on the Braves roster this year, the minor league cupboard may be little empty, but I'm sure there's someone in the minors who can inspire hope for next year.
More importantly, be sure to drop his name in Braves conversations before he gets called up so you can impress your friends.
4. Watch some games from teams you don't usually follow. Likely, this would be an American League team. Watch David Ortiz hit in the clutch or Ichiro's hitting stroke. You'll be glad you did.
5.Take some time and do all those things you always wanted to do. Go to the Falcons training camp and spend a few days watching practice. Take that martial arts class you keep talking about. Read that book you keep on your coffee table to make you appear more intelligent than you really are (or am I the only one who does that? Do you really think I've read the collective works of Bill Shakespeare?)
Fortunately, as Braves fans, you are already well versed in the most important facet of watching meaningless games in the summer. You're accustom to uttering the phrase "wait til next year."
Dear Braves Fans,
As we enter August, the Braves appear to be reaching the end of their run of consecutive division titles that stretches back to 1991. (For the sake of a better story, we'll pretend the Braves weren't six games behind the Montreal Expos when the 1994 strike happened. In fact, let's just say 1994 never happened.)
Because of that unprecedented string of success, there's an entire generation of Braves fans who don't know how to deal with an August and September of essentially meaningless baseball games.
Sure, there's still the hope of the Wild Card. And while the Braves are only a few games behind Cincinnati, there are eight teams between the Braves and the Reds. Yeah, there's hope, but there's also hope Katie Holmes will regain her sanity long enough to leave Tom Cruise, only to lose said sanity and fall madly in love with me. (And in the unlikely event the Braves do make the playoffs, I like my crow baked with a zesty lemon flavoring.)
As the Statesboro Herald's resident Cubs fan, I've experienced far more than my fair share of meaningless August and September games and in effort to help you though this troubling time, I'd like share my advice for surviving the dog days of summer with your team out of the race.
1. Turn your attention to your fantasy team. Now that you don't care how the Braves do, you can hope Carlos Beltran or Ryan Howard hit a three-run homer against Atlanta. Sure, it might lead to the Braves losing, but it would help the Fighting Squirrels (your fantasy team name may vary) make it into the playoffs.
Find the one guy in your league that still has hope for the Braves and loot and plunder their team by trading him all your Atlanta players. Don't feel bad about it. Your fantasy team is your top priority now. Next April, you can start to care more about the Braves than the Wal-Mart Low Prices (Why Wal-Mart Low Prices? Because nobody beats Wal-Mart's Low Prices.) For now, you are cold, calculating owner bent on world domination, or at least beating your friends in fantasy baseball.
2. Find a team to hate and send all your negative karma towards them. Call it the anti-Earl
Hickey rule.For me, I spend all my frustration over another disappointing season by rooting against the Yankees. (Even my anti-teams don't do what I want.)
For you, it could be the Mets, Cardinals, Phillies or the Cubs (although wishing more losses on the Cubs seems a bit like saying the ocean needs more water.)
Remember, your goal here is to make the rest of this season as miserable for as many people as possible. Your summer is ruined; so don't let anyone else enjoy it either. If that means your boss is a San Francisco Giants fan, you start staying up late to watch the west coast games and hoping the Dodgers get on a hot streak.
3.Learn your minor league players as the odds are you'll be seeing them soon. With so many young players on the Braves roster this year, the minor league cupboard may be little empty, but I'm sure there's someone in the minors who can inspire hope for next year.
More importantly, be sure to drop his name in Braves conversations before he gets called up so you can impress your friends.
4. Watch some games from teams you don't usually follow. Likely, this would be an American League team. Watch David Ortiz hit in the clutch or Ichiro's hitting stroke. You'll be glad you did.
5.Take some time and do all those things you always wanted to do. Go to the Falcons training camp and spend a few days watching practice. Take that martial arts class you keep talking about. Read that book you keep on your coffee table to make you appear more intelligent than you really are (or am I the only one who does that? Do you really think I've read the collective works of Bill Shakespeare?)
Fortunately, as Braves fans, you are already well versed in the most important facet of watching meaningless games in the summer. You're accustom to uttering the phrase "wait til next year."
posted by Luke at 4:15 PM
<< Home