Pretty Woman

I have a confession to make. I know that by admitting it, I'll become the outcast of the civilized world and will be ruthlessly mocked for what I'm about to write, but I can't help it.

I like NBC's "Deal or No Deal."

Typically I like my game shows to require a modicum of mental dexterity. I'm usually pretty good at single Jeopardy, I think I could get to at least the $125,000 level on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" wouldn't be the first person voted off of "Weakest Link."

But unfortunately, Deal or No Deal doesn't require any kind of intellegence beyond the ability to speak and recognize numbers one through 26.

If you haven't seen the game, here's a quick primer. There are 26 cases filled with dollar amounts ranging from one penny to one million dollars (enough to pay off Dr. Evil should the situation arise.) At the beginning, you pick one case to be yours (you don't know the amount inside the case.) Then, you pick a series of cases and knock those totals off the board. Intermitently, the mythical "banker" (really just a guy in a room who looks important. The fact that someone gets paid to be the "banker" is perhaps the greatest example of American gluttony in our society, but I digress.) offers to buy your case based on the totals remaining.

There's some probablity calculations needed to make the best decision possible, but basically you stand there and pick numbers. That's the game. (It makes "Press Your Luck" look like the test to get into Mensa.)

What I've failed to mention thus far is that the cases are tended to by models, all of whom are very attractive ladies. (This, friends, is known as appealing to a target demographic. In this case, it's males between the ages of 10 and dead.)

So how does the fact that models are standing next to the cases play into any possible strategy for the game? It's simple.

There should be two simple plans of attack when it comes to picking your cases:

1. Pick the numbers of the least attractive models first and continue accordingly so that only the prettiest girls remain as you go through the game.

The thinking here is that if you're going to be playing a game of chance, you might as well have the most attractive women possible still around. Sure, you have about as good a chance of actually impressing any of the ladies to the point that they'll remember your name, but on the plus side, every male watching the show will appreciate you looking out for them.

2. Pick the numbers of the most attractive women first and continue so that in the end, only the least pretty (and by no means are any of them ugly) remain.

The reasoning behind this plan is that the producers will know that guys like to look at pretty girls and would opt to keep them around as long as possible. By placing the higher values in the cases of the less pretty women, who would likely be picked first and then ushered off the stage, the producers would be betting you would pick them first and knock out lower your chances of a big pay day.

And that, my friends, is my strategy of playing "Deal or No Deal."

NCAA Brackets update: I finished either first or second in every bracket I participated in this year (ranging from four people to a dozen or more.) I'd like to tell you I had a foolproof plan that ensured my high ranking, but basically the brackets were so screwy that I think I lucked into my position. Either way, I'll bask in the glow of knowing I can pick random NCAA basketball games better than most of my friends.

Cubs update: As of 10 p.m. Tuesday night, the Cubs are 1-0 and on pace for an undefeated season. Call me crazy, but I don't think they're going to go 162-0 this year.

Random Cubs note: I was reading the Cubs messageboard today when I came across a few postings by the Cubs announcer, Len Kasper. The fact that he's willing to associate with the "little people" says a lot about him. I knew I liked Kasper for a reason.

Weekend plans: I know it's a little early for weekend plans, but I'm going to the Masters on Friday and Saturday. Now I follow golf about as much as I follow the East African politial situation, but when you get a chance to go to the Masters, you take it. If I had the chance to see a Puccini opera at Carnegie Hall, I'd go to that as well, despite the fact I can name one opera. (La Boheme, but I did have to Google the spelling.)

Fantasy update: The Fighting Squirrels are off and racing (errr. . . fighting), I'm expecting decent things from the squads this year. (Check back next week for the first fantasy girl of the new season.)

As always, thanks for reading. Tell your friends and have them tell their friends.