Wanted: One Good Intern
Since I've been feeling poorly lately, I haven't had time to post anything. However, I did manage to write a column for my real job and figured I'd post it here as well.
Wanted: One good intern
I'm a Seinfeld addict. I love the show. If not for Law & Order, you'd probably read much more about my Seinfeld obsession in this space.
As it is, I watch more of that show than I care to admit, especially considering there hasn't been a new episode in almost seven years.
Despite the fact that many of the shows are a decade or more old, they're still somehow a relevant look at everyday life.
In one episode, Kramer gets an intern who does little more than follow Kramer around and set up meetings at the coffee shop with Jerry. It looked like a pretty easy job.
That got me wondering what it would be like if I had an intern. Granted, I don't do much, so my intern wouldn't have a lot of responsibilities, but there would be some, of course.
If, for some strange reason, any of you out there were thinking "You know what's missing in my life? I need to give something back to the community and the best way for me to do that is to become an intern for that guy who writes for the paper. No, not Jake, but that other guy who never really writes about anything important. That would make my life complete."
Well, if that's you, send your resume and application to my email at the bottom of this column.
And in case you're curious, here are a few of the responsibilities my intern would have to take care of:
• Watch SportsCenter every morning and tell me if there's anything I have to see.
• Recap the Law & Order reruns that I miss during the week, making sure to tape any episodes that may be of particular interest to me.
• Drop off my bills at the various locations that I owe money to.
• Remind me of any important dates, such as birthdays, anniversaries, or other dates that could wind up with me sleeping on the couch;
• Purchasing flowers or other "I'm sorry" paraphernalia that will be needed from time to time due to the fact that I'm a guy and therefore predisposed to any of the following: saying something stupid; not saying something nice; not responding quickly enough when someone is fishing for a compliment; giving the wrong complement; failing to keep my sarcasm in check; spending to much money on flowers; not spending enough on flowers; leaving the toilet seat up; ignoring Yes Dear during any sporting event; not noticing Yes Dear has left during a sporting event; not caring that Yes Dear has left during a sporting event; playing video games instead of listening to Yes Dear; any other occasion that would necessitate the groveling and begging for forgiveness.
• Purchasing flowers "just because" on a regular, monthly schedule;
• Summarizing Sports Illustrated, Newsweek and Sporting News on a weekly basis and pointing out articles that I need to read;
• Constantly searching for a more comfortable couch;
• Minor responsibilities regarding my fantasy baseball team;
• Minor car maintenance, up to and including rebuilding a transmission just because I want to see it done;
• Schedule racquetball games between myself and Official Brother, making sure that any scheduled game doesn't conflict with important sporting events, plans Yes Dear may have made or other possible conflicts.
That pretty much sums up what I would need my intern to do. Obviously there would be some other scheduling responsibilities, including checking with my boss to find out what stories I need to write and arranging those interviews.
Unfortunately, I can't offer to pay you any money. However, if things work out, I may be able to work in a game of Madden 2005 on the Playstation2 with you once a week, if you can fit it into my schedule.
Wanted: One good intern
I'm a Seinfeld addict. I love the show. If not for Law & Order, you'd probably read much more about my Seinfeld obsession in this space.
As it is, I watch more of that show than I care to admit, especially considering there hasn't been a new episode in almost seven years.
Despite the fact that many of the shows are a decade or more old, they're still somehow a relevant look at everyday life.
In one episode, Kramer gets an intern who does little more than follow Kramer around and set up meetings at the coffee shop with Jerry. It looked like a pretty easy job.
That got me wondering what it would be like if I had an intern. Granted, I don't do much, so my intern wouldn't have a lot of responsibilities, but there would be some, of course.
If, for some strange reason, any of you out there were thinking "You know what's missing in my life? I need to give something back to the community and the best way for me to do that is to become an intern for that guy who writes for the paper. No, not Jake, but that other guy who never really writes about anything important. That would make my life complete."
Well, if that's you, send your resume and application to my email at the bottom of this column.
And in case you're curious, here are a few of the responsibilities my intern would have to take care of:
• Watch SportsCenter every morning and tell me if there's anything I have to see.
• Recap the Law & Order reruns that I miss during the week, making sure to tape any episodes that may be of particular interest to me.
• Drop off my bills at the various locations that I owe money to.
• Remind me of any important dates, such as birthdays, anniversaries, or other dates that could wind up with me sleeping on the couch;
• Purchasing flowers or other "I'm sorry" paraphernalia that will be needed from time to time due to the fact that I'm a guy and therefore predisposed to any of the following: saying something stupid; not saying something nice; not responding quickly enough when someone is fishing for a compliment; giving the wrong complement; failing to keep my sarcasm in check; spending to much money on flowers; not spending enough on flowers; leaving the toilet seat up; ignoring Yes Dear during any sporting event; not noticing Yes Dear has left during a sporting event; not caring that Yes Dear has left during a sporting event; playing video games instead of listening to Yes Dear; any other occasion that would necessitate the groveling and begging for forgiveness.
• Purchasing flowers "just because" on a regular, monthly schedule;
• Summarizing Sports Illustrated, Newsweek and Sporting News on a weekly basis and pointing out articles that I need to read;
• Constantly searching for a more comfortable couch;
• Minor responsibilities regarding my fantasy baseball team;
• Minor car maintenance, up to and including rebuilding a transmission just because I want to see it done;
• Schedule racquetball games between myself and Official Brother, making sure that any scheduled game doesn't conflict with important sporting events, plans Yes Dear may have made or other possible conflicts.
That pretty much sums up what I would need my intern to do. Obviously there would be some other scheduling responsibilities, including checking with my boss to find out what stories I need to write and arranging those interviews.
Unfortunately, I can't offer to pay you any money. However, if things work out, I may be able to work in a game of Madden 2005 on the Playstation2 with you once a week, if you can fit it into my schedule.
posted by Luke at 11:23 AM
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