The Graduation Song

Yeah, I went to Vitamin C for my title today. That's just how I roll.

So Yes Dear graduated on Friday and, once again, my alma mater didn't invite me to give the commencement address. That didn't stop me from writing one in case they needed me to fill in had the speaker suffered a tragic death at the hands (err, paws) of a pack of lions. Rather than let that speech go to waste, I thought I'd share it here.

First of all, allow me to offer my congratulations to you for reaching this milestone in your life. I, too, was once where you're sitting and I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy and why is my school to cheap to bring in Bill Cosby or Jon Stewart?"

The answer to that is I'm Luke and your school would rather spend money on their new football coach than bring in someone funny and famous for two hours to rehash his stand up bit. If you want Cosby or Stewart, turn on the television.

So why am I qualified to address you moments before you become a college graduate? Well, I think everyone who knows me can agree that my life can only be described as "not a complete and total failure." I'm not married to a stripper. I've never been to jail. Those were pretty much the requirements for giving the commencement address and I passed, thanks to a lenient judge and the fact that my wife prefers the term "exotic dancer."

(She's not really an exotic dancer. While she doesn't like me making fun of her short stature, she doesn't read this so I can say that it would be accurate to call her a "Tiny Dancer.")

People tell you this is a day you'll never forget. I'm here to tell you they're wrong. It's only been four years and yet I can't tell you what day I graduated on. Heck, I can't tell you where my diploma is at this point. I think it's in a box in my closet, but there's a chance it's still in my parent's house. It's not in the local landfill, I think. By next week you'll have forgotten all about me and anything I say here today. That's your goal.

My goal is to say something so memorable that a year from now, you remember that you had a graduation speaker.

Doodie.

You didn't think you'd hear that today, at least from some guy the school invited to address you on their most important academic day of the year. But, ideally, you'll remember me as the guy who said doodie at your graduation.

So what does that have to do with the life lessons you're supposed to gain from listening to some guy talk?

For you, it means go out and do something memorable.

If you're a teacher, be the teacher that faked his suicide by tossing a dummy off the roof of the school to illustrate the effects of gravity. If you're an interior designer, design a room made entirely out of old tires and show that to new clients as an example of your work. If you're a doctor . . . well, it's probably not best to play with people's health, but have your assistant try to fill a prescription for cocaine.

Go out and enjoy life. Have fun. It's not all about getting the best job or making the most money, although the school would like you to make the most so you can send some back to them. If you do make the most money, please consider sending some to your commencement speaker who, I'm sure, was key to your success.

I know you're read to graduate and the longer I talk, the longer you have to wait. So I'll end with this inspirational message.

Doodie.

Congratulations again. Dr. Grube, why are you escorting me from the stage? Hey! What did I do? Unhand me you ruffian.

Fantasy Update: World Poker Tour's Shana Hiatt has yet to invite me to her home poker game. In other fantasy news, the championship dreams of the Fighting Squirrels ended this weekend as we lost to Official Brother's team, Wal-Mart Low Prices (so named because nobody beats Wal-Mart's Low Prices) in the semi-finals of our playoffs in one league while failing to qualify for the playoffs in the other league. I play for third place next week in one league while begin my quest for fifth place in the other league next week. After that concludes, the Fantasy Update will go on hiatus until baseball season begins again in April.

Weekend Update: Thursday night, Yes Dear, myself, and Yes Dear's sister all went to a party to celebrate her graduation. Friday, she graduated and then my parents threw a party for her. That night, we played poker with some friends (notice how the Fantasy Update Girl ties in here.) and watched one of the 1-AA semifinal games. Saturday we watched the other semifinal game and then went out to dinner to celebrate Yes Dear's Father's birthday. Sunday we went shopping in Savannah with Official Brother and Parental Unit #1. Going back to work yesterday was actually relaxing.

Christmas Shopping Update: We're done with all our shopping for others. Yes Dear ordered my present Sunday night and I need to pick up her present this week and we'll be done.

Thanks for stopping by. Check back Friday night for a new post.