An open letter to the dog in my neighborhood

Dear Mr. or Ms. Dog (whichever the case may be),

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Luke and my wife and I live in your neighborhood. I moved in a few months ago and have done my best to be a good neighbor.

We're quiet people who rarely throw parties and they're never loud. We try to keep our yard fairly nice (though the sod we were given wasn't very good, so the yard doesn't look great, but we're trying) and we're polite to all our neighbors.

And we don't even have a fence so you're free to roam around our yard if the desire strikes you.

Even the first time we met, you seemed nice, even following Yes Dear and I as we walked though the neighborhood before we got concerned for you and walked back to your house to let your owners (those people who feed you, they think they own you, I didn't know if you knew that or not) take you inside.

So I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you feel the need to bark at me every time I pass by your house now.

At first I thought it was because I'd wear a Cubs hat or jacket and you had some deep hatred for a team represented by an animal that could end your existence on this planet rather quickly. (You may not be aware, but bears, even little Cubs, are godless killing machines.)

But then I figured you're a dog and likely weren't affected by the designs on jackets or hats, especially when it's just the letter "C" and really wouldn't give any indication to your imminent demise.

Then I thought that you were concerned that I was invading your territory and you were simply defending your home turf. This seemed reasonable as here I was, a stranger, coming near your territory and you, being the good, albeit small, dog that you are, wanted to protect your family.

That got me thinking what I could do to help fix that problem. A friend of mine gave me one idea, but I'd rather not risk having my name show up in the police blotter for indecent exposure and trespassing just so you don't bark at me, so I had to pass on that.

I guess I could do what I did at my apartment before we moved and just buy dog treats and give you one each time I walked by, but at two to three times a day at five days a week, that could get costly quickly.

Plus, I'd rather not bribe you to be my friend. That's one step away from saying "I'm getting a Playstation 3 and if you'll be my friend, I'll let you play." I prefer to make my friends the old fashioned way - catch someone in a compromising position, obtain photographic evidence, and then blackmail them to be nice to me or expose their shortcomings.

So where does that leave us, Mr. or Ms. Dog? We can continue along this path of you barking at me each time I walk by, thus annoying your neighbors (and surely your owners as well), but surely we can reach some sort of arrangement.

I promise to not walk on your yard, throw things at you or your house and generally do nothing that would upset you and the people you live with if, in return, you'll just stop barking at me. I just want to enjoy my walk.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to reaching a mutually satisfying conclusion to our issue.

And in the event you don't speak English, I've taken the time to talk to a friend of mine who has dogs and he translated this for you. In dogspeak, it reads: arf, arf, woof, woof, arf, bark, woof.
Sincerely,

Luke