My advice to new graduates
(Note: This column appeared in the May 17, 2005 edition of the Statesboro Herald. Sorry for no recent posting, I've been lazy)
Allow me to offer my congratulations to the approximately 1,800 students who graduated from Georgia Southern on Saturday.
Yep, you've opted to leave a world in which sleeping in, skipping class and late night parties are the norm for a world in which skipping work isn't optional, sleeping in is only for weekends and late-night parties break up by midnight so you can get to work on time.
And you're celebrating this? Seriously, didn't you learn anything in college? Why would you want to leave such a place for the responsibility of adulthood?
Why would you want to deal with deadlines and angry bosses? (Though not my bosses, obviously. My bosses are the epitome of what a boss should be, kind, caring, calm. By the way, I hope all you graduates took Brown Nosing 101. Remember, flattery will get you everywhere.)
There's a difference between education and knowledge. Education is what you received at Georgia Southern. Knowledge would be figuring out a way to stay there and avoid the rat race for as long as possible.
And what's the deal with the graduation ceremony? (Think of me as a poor-man's Jerry Seinfeld.)
Most of the spring commencement ceremonies last about two-and-a-half hours. And while they start early enough that it's not hot, by the end you want that guy from the Micro-Machines commercials reading names to get it over with.
With Official Brother scheduled to graduate next spring, my parents are understandably excited. Official Brother, on the other hand, is less than enthusiastic about having to go to the ceremony.
In fact, he's spent the past few days trying to convince the Parental Units that he doesn't need to walk in the ceremony.
As you can imagine, this did not go over well.
However, Official Brother came up with a compromise idea that he hopes will make everyone happy.
To understand his plan, you first have to understand how graduation works at Georgia Southern. There's really no set order for how the graduates walk across the stage other than by their respective departments. The graduates all have a card with their name on it that they hand to the readers when they approach the stage. No one really knows who you are.
Because graduation is a momentous occasion for the entire family, Official Brother would like to share that moment with his family and not on the Paulson Stadium field.
Official Brother wants to pay someone $20 to pose as him for the ceremony. This person would be dressed up in the cap and gown, walk across the stage as Official Brother and even toss his cap in the air at the completion of the ceremony.
Meanwhile, Official Brother would be in the stands with the rest of the family, watching himself graduate.
Since there would be 1,800 graduates on the field, only his friends and former classmates would know it wasn't him. Certainly the readers and Dr. Grube wouldn't have a clue that Official Brother was in the stands watching rather than shaking the president's hand.
And as a bonus, he could leave after his name is called and not have to sit through the rest of the ceremony. He'd get to hear the speech from whoever was chosen to impart words of wisdom and hear his name called as a graduate. (By the way, Dr. Grube, my phone number is at the bottom of this column if you ever want me to deliver the keynote address.)
Since the diplomas are mailed to the graduates several weeks after the ceremony, he'd still receive his diploma.
So again, congratulations to all the new graduates. Now get a job and start contributing to society.
Allow me to offer my congratulations to the approximately 1,800 students who graduated from Georgia Southern on Saturday.
Yep, you've opted to leave a world in which sleeping in, skipping class and late night parties are the norm for a world in which skipping work isn't optional, sleeping in is only for weekends and late-night parties break up by midnight so you can get to work on time.
And you're celebrating this? Seriously, didn't you learn anything in college? Why would you want to leave such a place for the responsibility of adulthood?
Why would you want to deal with deadlines and angry bosses? (Though not my bosses, obviously. My bosses are the epitome of what a boss should be, kind, caring, calm. By the way, I hope all you graduates took Brown Nosing 101. Remember, flattery will get you everywhere.)
There's a difference between education and knowledge. Education is what you received at Georgia Southern. Knowledge would be figuring out a way to stay there and avoid the rat race for as long as possible.
And what's the deal with the graduation ceremony? (Think of me as a poor-man's Jerry Seinfeld.)
Most of the spring commencement ceremonies last about two-and-a-half hours. And while they start early enough that it's not hot, by the end you want that guy from the Micro-Machines commercials reading names to get it over with.
With Official Brother scheduled to graduate next spring, my parents are understandably excited. Official Brother, on the other hand, is less than enthusiastic about having to go to the ceremony.
In fact, he's spent the past few days trying to convince the Parental Units that he doesn't need to walk in the ceremony.
As you can imagine, this did not go over well.
However, Official Brother came up with a compromise idea that he hopes will make everyone happy.
To understand his plan, you first have to understand how graduation works at Georgia Southern. There's really no set order for how the graduates walk across the stage other than by their respective departments. The graduates all have a card with their name on it that they hand to the readers when they approach the stage. No one really knows who you are.
Because graduation is a momentous occasion for the entire family, Official Brother would like to share that moment with his family and not on the Paulson Stadium field.
Official Brother wants to pay someone $20 to pose as him for the ceremony. This person would be dressed up in the cap and gown, walk across the stage as Official Brother and even toss his cap in the air at the completion of the ceremony.
Meanwhile, Official Brother would be in the stands with the rest of the family, watching himself graduate.
Since there would be 1,800 graduates on the field, only his friends and former classmates would know it wasn't him. Certainly the readers and Dr. Grube wouldn't have a clue that Official Brother was in the stands watching rather than shaking the president's hand.
And as a bonus, he could leave after his name is called and not have to sit through the rest of the ceremony. He'd get to hear the speech from whoever was chosen to impart words of wisdom and hear his name called as a graduate. (By the way, Dr. Grube, my phone number is at the bottom of this column if you ever want me to deliver the keynote address.)
Since the diplomas are mailed to the graduates several weeks after the ceremony, he'd still receive his diploma.
So again, congratulations to all the new graduates. Now get a job and start contributing to society.
posted by Luke at 4:13 PM
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