Bad Boys (Theme from "Cops")
Following my previous post regarding the War on Christmas (which, I admit, is totally out of the normal voice, tone and content of this blog, but it was bothering me so much I just needed to write it down), I realized there are other burning issues that needed to be addressed in this world.
So, if you don't mind, I think today I'll tackle the single greatest question ever posed to anyone in the history of the universe.
If you were murdered in New York City, which Law and Order detective(s) and lawyers would you want handling your case? (For the sake of this question, all the Law & Order franchises are available to choose from. Even, for the three people who liked it, including me, Law & Order: Trial by Jury.)
(I'd planned on answering the detective and prosecution teams in this post, but it started running long. To find out who is prosecuting my murders, check back Thursday.)
Before revealing who I want investigating, allow me to take a look at who I don't want anywhere near my case.
As much as I like both Deteticves Munch (Richard Belzer) and Tutuola (Ice-T) on the show, Munch for his conspiracy theories and Lennie Briscoe-esqe one liners and Tutuola for his knowledge of the mean streets of New York, there's just something about them that says "Luke, you don't want them on the scene shortly after your murder."
Oh, now I remember.
They do sex crimes. It's bad enough that I was murdered in New York, but I don't want to go
out in any way that would require the sex crimes unit to show up on the scene. For the same reason, I don't want Stabler (Christopher Meloni) or Benson (the incredibly hot Mariska Hargitay) investigating my early demise. (And, in a first for the Nexus of the Universe, we're resisting the impulse to put a photo of Ms. Hargitay. Why the sudden change? Well, we're not sure of Santa's views on gratuitous photos of beautiful women on blogs and rather than risk it this close to Christmas, we'll avoid using a photo. On second thought, forget Santa. This entry needs photos and Hargitay is as good as anyone to post a picture of.)
The original Law & Order has had more than its fair share of detectives working out of the 27th precinct. Some, like Detectives Ray Curtis (Benjamin Bratt) and Joe Fontana (Dennis Farina) are serviceable. They're not flashy or spectacular, but they get the job done. Others, like Phil Ceretta (Paul Sorvino) and George Dzundza (Max Greevy) had their time in the Law & Order spotlight up to 15 years ago, when I was 11 and not exactly a fan of the show. Though no fault of their own, I'm eliminating them as well.
Both Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach, may he rest in peace) and Ed Green (Jesse L. Martin) are above average detectives. Forget for a minute that Orbach is dead and wouldn't be able to investigate anyway. (For the sake of discussion, let's say he's alive and doing fine.) I wouldn't be upset if they were assigned my case. They're both very good at what they do and would work well together, especially considering they worked well together until Orbach left the show for health reasons. They'd probably find the guy (or gal) who killed me and have all the evidence they needed to give to the DA's office. They're good, just not the guys I want on my case.
One of the dark horses to work the case would be Tony Profaci (John Fiore.) Granted, he turned out to be a dirty cop in the Law & Order movie "Exiled," but before that, Profaci was best known as doing the menial tasks the key detectives didn't have time to do. While the lead detectives would get sent upstate to interview the victim's old business partner, Profaci would get stuck waiting at the Medical Examiner's office waiting for an autopsy report. How he made the detectives' squad is beyond me. He was essentially a glorified secretary.
So who is it I want handling my case? While a lot of people don't like him, I want Bobby Goren from L&O: Criminal Intent as the lead detective. The man is a genius. In fact, I'd wager Official Brother's scholarship money that anyone that smart is not going to waste his time as a detective.
Be
that as it may, Goren's going to get his man (or woman, if it turns out Yes Dear murdered me on some vacation to New York). Not only that, but I think he would enjoy toying with the suspect's mind for a few days during the investigation. He'll start asking about one thing and end up asking about what the suspect did last winter to cause a small scar across his finger. Three days later, it'll turn out that the scar was the clue that cracked the case and led to his arrest. I need someone who's going to pay attention to the smallest details to find my killer. (I also need someone that detail-oriented to edit my posts, so if you're interested, let me know.)
While Goren may be leading the investigation, he needs someone else to partner with. This was probably the easiest choice of the entire debate. Mike Logan (Chris Noth) brings passion, energy and plaid ties that are needed to catch my killer. Sadly, most women probably know him better as Mr. Big on "Sex and the City." (And honestly, why was he so smitten with Sarah Jessica Parker when Kristen Davis was also available. It's one of the greatest mysteries of the show. In fact, after Goren and Logan solve my murder, maybe they could look into that.)
Sure, Logan may be a bit of a hot head (as evidenced by the fact he was banished to Staten Island for hitting a city council member), but he's not afraid to rough someone up, setting them up nicely for Goren to come in and basically play mind games until he confesses.
And who is supervising my investigation. While Lt. Van Buren (S. Epatha Merkerson) is a Lieutenant in the PD, I still want Capt. Cragen (Dann "I spell my name with two 'n's" Florek) running the ship. (And yes, I'm aware he's now in charge of the Special Victim's Unit, but he got his start in the good, old 27th precinct.) I want Cragen for no other reason than he is always angry when he answers his phone. Goren and Logan will be in there explaining the troubles of the case, causing Cragen to get agitated, when the phone will ring. Rather than hiding his frustration, Cragen picks up the phone and yells "WHAT?" That's the kind of anger that's going to get my killer arrested.
Weekend update: Friday night, after going out to dinner with some friends, Yes Dear and I watched Appalachian State claim their first 1-AA football championship with a 21-16 win over Northern Iowa. (And yes, that's the same Appalachain State Yes Dear interviewed at earlier this year.) Saturday we went to my parent's house and watched Mt. Union win the Division III national championship (they've won eight of the past 13 titles.) We watched more football Saturday night. Sunday, Yes Dear left for her annual Girls Christmas Party. (Think "Girls Gone Wild," only without the going wild part.) I watched some football and a lot of the Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA.
Fantasy update: Growing up, friends, teachers and everyone not in my immediate family said I looked like Paul from The Wonder Years. Does that mean I still have a shot with Winnie Cooper, or, as she's known today, Danica Mckeller. It appears as though it's going to be another mixed week for the Fighting Squirrels. After falling last week to Official Brother in the semifinals, it appears I'll finish the year in 4th place unless Green Bay running back Samkon Gado loses 12 points tonight. In my quest to be the best of the rest (the loser's bracket) in my other league, I've got a fairly comfortable 97-42 lead going into tonight's game. With a win this week, I can finish no worse than sixth (out of 10). All in all, an ultimately unsatisfying fantasy season.
Christmas Plans: Yes Dear and I are heading to her parents house on Friday where we'll celebrate Christmas a day early. That afternoon, we'll head back to home to make it in time for our Christmas Eve service at church and spend Christmas with my family. (We spent Christmas morning with her family last year, so we're switching it up this year.) And yes, I've bought and wrapped Yes Dear's present, a full week before Christmas. I think that may improve my chances in the Husband of the Year race. However, I think the Fantasy Updates all year have all but blown my chances of winning that.
What does this mean for you? Well, it means I'm planning on revealing who from Law & Order I want prosecuting my murder on sometime on Thursday.
As always, thanks for reading and I'll see you Thursday.
So, if you don't mind, I think today I'll tackle the single greatest question ever posed to anyone in the history of the universe.
If you were murdered in New York City, which Law and Order detective(s) and lawyers would you want handling your case? (For the sake of this question, all the Law & Order franchises are available to choose from. Even, for the three people who liked it, including me, Law & Order: Trial by Jury.)
(I'd planned on answering the detective and prosecution teams in this post, but it started running long. To find out who is prosecuting my murders, check back Thursday.)
Before revealing who I want investigating, allow me to take a look at who I don't want anywhere near my case.
As much as I like both Deteticves Munch (Richard Belzer) and Tutuola (Ice-T) on the show, Munch for his conspiracy theories and Lennie Briscoe-esqe one liners and Tutuola for his knowledge of the mean streets of New York, there's just something about them that says "Luke, you don't want them on the scene shortly after your murder."
Oh, now I remember.
They do sex crimes. It's bad enough that I was murdered in New York, but I don't want to go
out in any way that would require the sex crimes unit to show up on the scene. For the same reason, I don't want Stabler (Christopher Meloni) or Benson (the incredibly hot Mariska Hargitay) investigating my early demise. (And, in a first for the Nexus of the Universe, we're resisting the impulse to put a photo of Ms. Hargitay. Why the sudden change? Well, we're not sure of Santa's views on gratuitous photos of beautiful women on blogs and rather than risk it this close to Christmas, we'll avoid using a photo. On second thought, forget Santa. This entry needs photos and Hargitay is as good as anyone to post a picture of.)The original Law & Order has had more than its fair share of detectives working out of the 27th precinct. Some, like Detectives Ray Curtis (Benjamin Bratt) and Joe Fontana (Dennis Farina) are serviceable. They're not flashy or spectacular, but they get the job done. Others, like Phil Ceretta (Paul Sorvino) and George Dzundza (Max Greevy) had their time in the Law & Order spotlight up to 15 years ago, when I was 11 and not exactly a fan of the show. Though no fault of their own, I'm eliminating them as well.
Both Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach, may he rest in peace) and Ed Green (Jesse L. Martin) are above average detectives. Forget for a minute that Orbach is dead and wouldn't be able to investigate anyway. (For the sake of discussion, let's say he's alive and doing fine.) I wouldn't be upset if they were assigned my case. They're both very good at what they do and would work well together, especially considering they worked well together until Orbach left the show for health reasons. They'd probably find the guy (or gal) who killed me and have all the evidence they needed to give to the DA's office. They're good, just not the guys I want on my case.
One of the dark horses to work the case would be Tony Profaci (John Fiore.) Granted, he turned out to be a dirty cop in the Law & Order movie "Exiled," but before that, Profaci was best known as doing the menial tasks the key detectives didn't have time to do. While the lead detectives would get sent upstate to interview the victim's old business partner, Profaci would get stuck waiting at the Medical Examiner's office waiting for an autopsy report. How he made the detectives' squad is beyond me. He was essentially a glorified secretary.
So who is it I want handling my case? While a lot of people don't like him, I want Bobby Goren from L&O: Criminal Intent as the lead detective. The man is a genius. In fact, I'd wager Official Brother's scholarship money that anyone that smart is not going to waste his time as a detective.
Be
that as it may, Goren's going to get his man (or woman, if it turns out Yes Dear murdered me on some vacation to New York). Not only that, but I think he would enjoy toying with the suspect's mind for a few days during the investigation. He'll start asking about one thing and end up asking about what the suspect did last winter to cause a small scar across his finger. Three days later, it'll turn out that the scar was the clue that cracked the case and led to his arrest. I need someone who's going to pay attention to the smallest details to find my killer. (I also need someone that detail-oriented to edit my posts, so if you're interested, let me know.)While Goren may be leading the investigation, he needs someone else to partner with. This was probably the easiest choice of the entire debate. Mike Logan (Chris Noth) brings passion, energy and plaid ties that are needed to catch my killer. Sadly, most women probably know him better as Mr. Big on "Sex and the City." (And honestly, why was he so smitten with Sarah Jessica Parker when Kristen Davis was also available. It's one of the greatest mysteries of the show. In fact, after Goren and Logan solve my murder, maybe they could look into that.)
Sure, Logan may be a bit of a hot head (as evidenced by the fact he was banished to Staten Island for hitting a city council member), but he's not afraid to rough someone up, setting them up nicely for Goren to come in and basically play mind games until he confesses.
And who is supervising my investigation. While Lt. Van Buren (S. Epatha Merkerson) is a Lieutenant in the PD, I still want Capt. Cragen (Dann "I spell my name with two 'n's" Florek) running the ship. (And yes, I'm aware he's now in charge of the Special Victim's Unit, but he got his start in the good, old 27th precinct.) I want Cragen for no other reason than he is always angry when he answers his phone. Goren and Logan will be in there explaining the troubles of the case, causing Cragen to get agitated, when the phone will ring. Rather than hiding his frustration, Cragen picks up the phone and yells "WHAT?" That's the kind of anger that's going to get my killer arrested.
Weekend update: Friday night, after going out to dinner with some friends, Yes Dear and I watched Appalachian State claim their first 1-AA football championship with a 21-16 win over Northern Iowa. (And yes, that's the same Appalachain State Yes Dear interviewed at earlier this year.) Saturday we went to my parent's house and watched Mt. Union win the Division III national championship (they've won eight of the past 13 titles.) We watched more football Saturday night. Sunday, Yes Dear left for her annual Girls Christmas Party. (Think "Girls Gone Wild," only without the going wild part.) I watched some football and a lot of the Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA.
Fantasy update: Growing up, friends, teachers and everyone not in my immediate family said I looked like Paul from The Wonder Years. Does that mean I still have a shot with Winnie Cooper, or, as she's known today, Danica Mckeller. It appears as though it's going to be another mixed week for the Fighting Squirrels. After falling last week to Official Brother in the semifinals, it appears I'll finish the year in 4th place unless Green Bay running back Samkon Gado loses 12 points tonight. In my quest to be the best of the rest (the loser's bracket) in my other league, I've got a fairly comfortable 97-42 lead going into tonight's game. With a win this week, I can finish no worse than sixth (out of 10). All in all, an ultimately unsatisfying fantasy season.Christmas Plans: Yes Dear and I are heading to her parents house on Friday where we'll celebrate Christmas a day early. That afternoon, we'll head back to home to make it in time for our Christmas Eve service at church and spend Christmas with my family. (We spent Christmas morning with her family last year, so we're switching it up this year.) And yes, I've bought and wrapped Yes Dear's present, a full week before Christmas. I think that may improve my chances in the Husband of the Year race. However, I think the Fantasy Updates all year have all but blown my chances of winning that.
What does this mean for you? Well, it means I'm planning on revealing who from Law & Order I want prosecuting my murder on sometime on Thursday.
As always, thanks for reading and I'll see you Thursday.
posted by Luke at 6:30 PM
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