War (What is it good for?)

(In the interest in full disclosure, I’m a Christian who finds the “War on Christmas” to be the biggest fake controversy since the Terrell Owens/Nicollette Sheridan fiasco on Monday Night Football. Longtime readers know that I’ve just created a perfect reason to include a photo of Sherridan in my blog, and I’ll most assuredly take advantage of the opportunity.)

Unbeknownst to me and other Christians throughout the nation, Christmas has been under attack. I’ve checked my calendar for this year and the next two years and, as far as I can tell, December 25 is still there. In fact, the word “Christmas” is written in the square for that date. In other words, I’ve eliminated the calendar makers from being involved in the war. (I’m like a detective. I have to eliminate suspects. Just call me Mike Logan)

Christmas lights are still up around town. Our mall, as well as those in nearby cities, appears to be crowded with people buying gifts for family and friends. Radio stations have been playing both secular and religious songs during the month of December as they have in the past.

On the surface, everything would appear to be just the same as it has been in the past.

Fortunately, we’ve got people like Fox News’ John Gibson looking out for us. In his new book, “The War on Christmas,” he details how stores have begun saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Apparently, as I Christian, I’m supposed to find this change as an attack on my beliefs and part of the secularists’ goal of eliminating Christmas from the public arena. Gibson has yet to mention, that I’ve seen, that he’s trying to sell a book by stirring up this pseudocontroversy.

By removing “Merry Christmas” from advertising, stores are somehow saying they don’t care about Christians. At least, I think that’s the argument. By wishing me Happy Holidays instead, I think I’m supposed to feel slighted. Or, better yet, attacked. Forget, for a minute, that “holidays” is plural, and therefore inclusive of all holidays in December. Or forget that Hanukkah starts on the same day as Christmas this year. Other holidays shouldn’t be competing with Christmas. They should quit honing in on our day.

Fortunately, this whole “War on Christmas” has taught me a lot about the history of Christmas in the United States.

When the Puritans settled at Plymouth Rock back in 1620, they forbid the celebration of Christmas, saying it reminded them of Old World England, it wasn’t truly the birth of Jesus (more on that later) and celebrations tended to include feasting, drinking and playing games, all things the Puritans frowned on. So they banned the holiday.

In other words, all these people wanting to celebrate Christmas today are spitting in the face of our ancestors. The heathens. If we truly want to celebrate a traditional American Christmas, we need to not celebrate Christmas at all That’s what our forefathers would have wanted.

And what about the Christmas tree? As Jon Stewart pointed out, that symbol of Christmas is so Christian that it predates the religion. In fact, a look at the bible would suggest a Christmas tree might actually be a sin.

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet cites a pagan ritual of cutting down an evergreen tree and decorating it with silver or gold as something to be avoided.

Jeremiah 10:2-4: "Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not." (KJV).

Yet the “traditionalists” are telling us that calling it a holiday tree is offensive to Christians. But what about the Romans among us who still want to celebrate the ancient Roman Feast of Saturnalia? Aren’t we discriminating against them by calling it a Christmas tree?

Back in the old days, ancient Romans would decorate trees with metals and replicas of their god, Bacchus, the god of wine in the ancient Roman world. Since I don’t drink wine, I guess I’d be a hypocrite for having a tree devoted to the Roman god Bacchus.

Even in America, the first Christmas tree was greeted with scorn. In 1851, Pastor Henry Schwan of Cleveland, Ohio appears to have been the person responsible for decorating the first Christmas tree in an American church. His parishioners condemned the idea as a Pagan practice; some even threatened the pastor with harm.

Those are the traditional American values we should be fighting for.

This leads us to the day we celebrate Christmas, December 25. Most scholars agree that, most likely, Jesus wasn’t born in the dead of winter. Also, shepherds wouldn’t be out tending their flock at that time. According to people who know much more than I do, shepherds in that area would watch their sheep from early March until early October.

Most scholars think the date was selected to incorporate the Feast of Saturnalia. Scholars think the church chose the date of this pagan celebration to interest them in Christianity. The pagans were already used to celebrating on this date.

I think this whole pseudocontroversy is a self-fulfilling prophecy on the part of some Christians. In the book of Matthew, Jesus said “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” In other words, Christians are told they’ll be blessed for being persecuted, so they go out and look for evidence that someone is persecuting them, whether or not they’re actually suffering.

I’m no biblical scholar, but I don’t think this is the type of persecution Jesus was had in mind when he said his followers would be persecuted. Somehow, I get the feeling Jesus had bigger fish to fry than the semantics of how his birth is celebrated.

It makes me sad to see people professing to be Christians spending their time and efforts on this “war” when there are so many other things they could be doing to live out the commandments of Jesus. I’ll be the first to admit I fall far short of meeting those standards.

And now, with all that said, I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, a joyful Kwanza, a festive Festivus, an enjoyable feast of Saturnalia, a good new year and any other holidays I may have left out.

Weekend plans: Yes Dear is going to Atlanta for her annual girls’ Christmas party on Saturday and won’t return until Tuesday, so I’ve got the apartment to myself. What are my big plans? Football, football, and more football.

New Blog Alert: Many of you have read about Official Brother. Now you have the chance to hear from him first hand at Official Brother Speaks Out.

Shopping Update: I got Yes Dear’s gift today, so I’m done. For those who haven’t finished their holiday shopping, only nine days left until Christmas, but only seven days remaining until Festivus.

If you’ve made it this far, I’d like to give you a Steven Colbert “Tip of the Hat.” Thanks for reading and see you Monday.