13 things to do in 13 months
Note: This column originally appeared in the May 11 edition of the Statesboro Herald.
My 10-year high school reunion is coming up in 13 months. In order to not be a total embarrassment, I decided I need to set 13 goals to achieve so I don't get jeered at my own reunion.
1. I need to win a prestigious award. Not something like third place for humor writing in 2005 for the smallest daily newspaper classification in the state in which (and I'm guessing here) only three people entered. No, I need to win something really big. Like a Pulitzer. Or Employee of the Month.
2. I need to write the great American novel. Actually, I really just need to start it so when people ask what I'm doing now, I can say I'm working on a book. Now all I need are characters, a plot and hours a day to devote to writing a best-selling novel. (Maybe I can just say I'm writing a book and stick to writing columns.)
3. I probably need to get in shape. And while "round" is a shape, it's probably not the one I should strive for. Fortunately, Yes Dear is a personal trainer, so I should be able to actually achieve this one.
4. Appear on either Law & Order or Baseball Tonight. As I'm neither an actor nor an athlete, I'm not feeling good about this. However, an acquaintance of mine was on Baseball Tonight by making a catch in the stands, so there's hope for me yet.
5. Not get fired. Granted, this has nothing to do with my reunion, but it is a goal of mine each day.
6. I need to travel the world. And by "world," I mean baseball stadiums along the East coast.
(Note: Official Brother and I intend to spend 10 days driving from Atlanta to Baltimore/Washington D.C. and then on to Philadelphia, New York and Boston next summer, visiting baseball stadiums in each city (and two in New York.) Should be a good time.
7. I want to be mentioned on Comedy Central's The Colbert Report. My best shot at this is to be featured in Colbert's "Who's Attacking Me Now?" segment. In an effort to garner his wrath, I present the following paragraph.
Colbert's brand of truthiness is a greater threat to this nation than bears, which he claims are Godless killing machines. One million bears set loose in the streets of New York City wouldn't do near the damage that Colbert inflicts with his nightly pronouncements.
(Please note, I think Colbert is a gifted satirist and don't actually believe he's a greater threat than bears. In fact, I've come to the same conclusion he has, that the bear agenda is destroying our country.)
8. I need to have a minion. If anyone's willing to cater to my every whim for little pay and no recognition, please email me. It's only a temporary job and after my reunion, you'll be summarily fired and given a poor review.
(Note: I have a coworker who volunteered her daughter to serve as my minion. This is the one I thought I'd have the most trouble with.)
9. I also need a haircut. Probably more than one. (It's always nice to sprinkle your list of goals with something easily attainable to keep you motivated.)
10. I'd like to be recognized on the street by a stranger just once without the person saying "you're that guy who writes for the paper, aren't you? You suck!"
(Note: In the version published in the Herald, I changed that last sentence to "Learn to write!" It's one of the drawbacks to writing for a small-town paper. I didn't think it made a huge difference to the column and didn't feel the need to fight for its inclusion.
11. I should probably win one of my fantasy baseball or fantasy football leagues. Ideally someone will ask me "What have you been doing with yourself?" and I can say that I've devoted my spare time to winning fantasy sports leagues. Saying I've dedicated my free time to fantasy sports without a championship would make me sound like a loser.
12. Despite columns I've written to the contrary, I would like to serve on a jury. If that doesn't work out, I wouldn't mind being called as a witness for some trial. In other words, I want to be involved in the legal process in some form or fashion, just not as the victim or defendant. It's as close to Law & Order as I'll ever get.
13. Finally, I'd like to have a really great cheeseburger. I've had some good ones, but never a cheeseburger that made me sit back and say "you know, I'll be telling people at my high school reunion about this."
(Note: I actually got an email the morning this was published from someone suggesting a cheeseburger I should try. She even offered to keep me company while I tried it. It is, by far, the strangest non-spam email I've ever received in my life.
My 10-year high school reunion is coming up in 13 months. In order to not be a total embarrassment, I decided I need to set 13 goals to achieve so I don't get jeered at my own reunion.
1. I need to win a prestigious award. Not something like third place for humor writing in 2005 for the smallest daily newspaper classification in the state in which (and I'm guessing here) only three people entered. No, I need to win something really big. Like a Pulitzer. Or Employee of the Month.
2. I need to write the great American novel. Actually, I really just need to start it so when people ask what I'm doing now, I can say I'm working on a book. Now all I need are characters, a plot and hours a day to devote to writing a best-selling novel. (Maybe I can just say I'm writing a book and stick to writing columns.)
3. I probably need to get in shape. And while "round" is a shape, it's probably not the one I should strive for. Fortunately, Yes Dear is a personal trainer, so I should be able to actually achieve this one.
4. Appear on either Law & Order or Baseball Tonight. As I'm neither an actor nor an athlete, I'm not feeling good about this. However, an acquaintance of mine was on Baseball Tonight by making a catch in the stands, so there's hope for me yet.
5. Not get fired. Granted, this has nothing to do with my reunion, but it is a goal of mine each day.
6. I need to travel the world. And by "world," I mean baseball stadiums along the East coast.
(Note: Official Brother and I intend to spend 10 days driving from Atlanta to Baltimore/Washington D.C. and then on to Philadelphia, New York and Boston next summer, visiting baseball stadiums in each city (and two in New York.) Should be a good time.
7. I want to be mentioned on Comedy Central's The Colbert Report. My best shot at this is to be featured in Colbert's "Who's Attacking Me Now?" segment. In an effort to garner his wrath, I present the following paragraph.
Colbert's brand of truthiness is a greater threat to this nation than bears, which he claims are Godless killing machines. One million bears set loose in the streets of New York City wouldn't do near the damage that Colbert inflicts with his nightly pronouncements.
(Please note, I think Colbert is a gifted satirist and don't actually believe he's a greater threat than bears. In fact, I've come to the same conclusion he has, that the bear agenda is destroying our country.)
8. I need to have a minion. If anyone's willing to cater to my every whim for little pay and no recognition, please email me. It's only a temporary job and after my reunion, you'll be summarily fired and given a poor review.
(Note: I have a coworker who volunteered her daughter to serve as my minion. This is the one I thought I'd have the most trouble with.)
9. I also need a haircut. Probably more than one. (It's always nice to sprinkle your list of goals with something easily attainable to keep you motivated.)
10. I'd like to be recognized on the street by a stranger just once without the person saying "you're that guy who writes for the paper, aren't you? You suck!"
(Note: In the version published in the Herald, I changed that last sentence to "Learn to write!" It's one of the drawbacks to writing for a small-town paper. I didn't think it made a huge difference to the column and didn't feel the need to fight for its inclusion.
11. I should probably win one of my fantasy baseball or fantasy football leagues. Ideally someone will ask me "What have you been doing with yourself?" and I can say that I've devoted my spare time to winning fantasy sports leagues. Saying I've dedicated my free time to fantasy sports without a championship would make me sound like a loser.
12. Despite columns I've written to the contrary, I would like to serve on a jury. If that doesn't work out, I wouldn't mind being called as a witness for some trial. In other words, I want to be involved in the legal process in some form or fashion, just not as the victim or defendant. It's as close to Law & Order as I'll ever get.
13. Finally, I'd like to have a really great cheeseburger. I've had some good ones, but never a cheeseburger that made me sit back and say "you know, I'll be telling people at my high school reunion about this."
(Note: I actually got an email the morning this was published from someone suggesting a cheeseburger I should try. She even offered to keep me company while I tried it. It is, by far, the strangest non-spam email I've ever received in my life.
posted by Luke at 10:37 PM
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