Repent, or something like that

I'm not what you would call a web surfer. That's not to say I don't spend more than my fair share of time on this here interweb thingy. My wife still thinks I spend to much time in front of the computer (especially when I spend all day in front of a computer . . . but the funny thing is that my computer at work doesn't have the Internet. That's right. In the year 2005, the newspaper for which I work still hasn't upgraded all its workstations to have Internet capabilities. There's a great big information superhighway out there and I can't get out of the garage, but I digress.)

Anyway, usually I rely on others to tell me about cool sites I need to waste my time at. For example:

• www.fark.com (It's not news, it's Fark)
• www.ebaumsworld.com (fun, games, and strange videos)
• www.collegehumor (for those in college or those who refuse to grow up)

But every now and again, I'll stumble across something before anyone else in the office finds it. While I'm not sure if anyone else here found Landover Baptist first, no one mentioned it, so I'm taking credit.

Landover Baptist is a "Fundamentalist, Independent Baptist Church. We are 157,000 members strong. Our Church Campus is located in Freehold, Iowa." On it's main page, they have a disclaimer informing visitors that they have an injunction against all unsaved people that prohibits them from visiting their website or being within 10 miles of their church. That should be people's first clue that this is an elaborate satire, but as with most good satires, people miss the boat.

Besides, where else can I learn if breastfeeding is a gateway sin or why Jesus had long hair "like a homo." I need a site to tell me if our American Soldiers are doing enough to torture the unsaved Iraqis.

The site also has a Kristian Kids Korner with answers to popular kids questions such as "Will I see grandpa naked at the rapture?" (Short answer, no, you won't, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't read) Heck, they've trademarked the phrase True Christian (I'm not sure if that's anything like a true Yankee.)

Of course, as with any site like this, there are the required letters claiming everything from this site made my parents throw away my pokemon cards to confused people trying to figure out if the site is real.

As a Christian, I suppose I'm supposed to find the site offensive, but I can't help but think the wacky fundamentalist Christians deserve a good mocking. I could spend the next few hours digging up various articles from their site, but I think you'll have a much better time if you quit reading here and start reading here. (Go ahead and click it, I'll be here when you get back. Make sure you check out the Godly Sex page too.)

Reading sites like Landover Baptist or The Onion (or, for you sports fans, The Sports Pickle) make me realize that while I find that type of humor immensely funny, it's unfortunately not the sense of humor I have. I lack the cynicism and sarcastic wit that the creators of these sites have. This makes me sad.

I guess I'm stuck with my observational humor instead. For example, do you think the San Antonio Spurs are jealous that the Pistons have Rachel Nichols covering them while Shelley Smith is their reporter for ESPN? (I suspect a heavy amount of airbrushing on Smith's photo.)These are the things that keep me up at night (and why this hasn't been addressed by the mainstream media is a mystery. Any of you out there with a sports column, please write about this. I need answers.)

Weekend plans: Not much (which will make for a boring Weekend Update post on Monday)

Where's the Jesus vs. G.W. Bush commercial you promised?: I couldn't ever find a way to make it fit in with my ramblings, so look for it this weekend or Monday.

On Deck: Something non-sports related . . . in an effort to reach out to you non-sports fans out there.