Life as employee 461224

Several years ago, Addidas had a commercial featuring Boston Celtic Antoine Walker in which he said "I'm employee number eight. I make baskets." It was an interesting marketing campaign, especially considering it ran about five years ago and I not only remember it, but I'm using it in this blog.

It got me thinking about my own job as employee 461224. Honestly, I have absolutly no idea what my employee ID number means or if I'm voilating some company policy by posting in here in this crazy interweb thing.

First of all, why does my company feel the need to label us with numbers. For years, our teachers were able to use last names to keep track of their students. They had 28 in a class and had five classes. Yet I never got the grades for Ryan Morgan or Matt Shumaker. Nope, I always got my own grades. But for some reason, Morris Multimedia assigns us a number to be known as.

Secondly, if the federal government can keep track of the nearly 300 million people in this country with a nine-digit social security number, why does my office need six digits to keep track of no more than 100 of us? There's no reason a three or four digit number wouldn't be enough, but six? Seriously, where am I working that at any given time there could be 1,000,000 possible employees that would all need their own number? If I'm in that large of a company, I want a raise.

While my immediate supervisor knows my name, I keep execting his boss or his boss' boss to refer to me as "461224" and I'd have to tell him that around the office, I go by "461."

I keep waiting for the day the computer screws up and my paycheck is made out to 461224.

TNT3 vs. ESPN6

My favorite online columnist, Bill Simmons is searching for an intern (which actually inspired my last newspaper column in which I describe the duties my intern would have).

Because he's a famous and poplular writer who probably gets thousands of emails a day, he actually got a response to his request for an intern and is in the process of narrowing the field down from 25.

For the prospective interns second test, they were required to submit their ideas for origional programming for ESPN6, the fictional channel Simmons hopes to one day opperate. However, I didn't realize this at the time of my previous blog entry in which I described (briefly) my idea for TNT3, the all Law & Order channel.

(Quick side note, my personal favorite moment of the entries was when one of the contestants wanted to call the new channel E6, or Nomar. That's funny.

However, after being inspired by the submissions of the potential interns (and really, I'm not above stealing a great idea and making it my own), I give you what TNT3 will look like when I'm in charge.

7 a.m. - As a way to inform those just waking up, we'll show whatever episode most closely mimicks the previous day's news events. Think of it as The Today Show only without Al Roker.

8 a.m. - A TNT3 orgional program featuring Chris Noth, Benjamin Bratt and Jesse L. Martin all playing Grand Theft Auto, trying to understand what it's like on the other side of the law.

9 a.m. - Noon - A live three-hour call-in show in which Roger Cossak and Greta Van Sustern are reunited to answer view calls about the legal stragey employed by by the District Attorney's office and the defense in various shows.

Noon - 2 p.m. - Here we show the Crossover episodes, including the ones involving Homicide.

2 p.m. - 6 p.m. - One episode from each of the Law and Order franchises (the origional, SVU, Criminal Intent and Trial by Jury)

7 p.m. - Another live call-in show, hosted by Ray Lewis and Jamal Lewis in which the athletes describe how their life would have been different had they watched L&O and learned how to evade detection.

8 p.m. - More TNT3 origional programming as we take an hourlong look at guest stars and other apperances by then-unknown actors who went on to become stars. Premire episode features Claire Daines.

9 p.m. - Viewers choice . . . It's likeTRL in which people call or cast their vote online for the episode they want to see . . . the catch, once an episode is shown, all the others must be shown again before it can be replayed.

10 p.m.- With the broadcast rules relaxed, we can feature our roundtable discussion of the ADA's and who we like more, Stephanie March, Jill Hennessy, or Angie Harmon.

11 p.m. - The Sam Waterston Legal Hour, where the actor takes your calls and talks about robot insurance.

Midnight - "Why didn't they . . ." A VH1-style hourlong show discussing ideas that should have happened related to L&O, but didn't. For example, "Why didn't they have a cross-over episode with Seinfeld, they're both in the same city."

1 a.m. - 7 a.m. - Fill this six hours with any of the closing in on 1,000 episodes of L&O.

Just a few things I've been wondering

How in the world did all the children of Debora and Ray Barone (Everybody Love's Raymond) end up blonde when both the parents have brown hair? If I were Ray, I think I'd have a few questions for my wife.

Am I the only one who wants to shout "NO, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND JUST AND HOLY, DON'T RENT THAT MOVIE" when you overhear people contemplating renting a movie you know is dreadful?

When grocery shopping, do you feel like you get to know the people that are criss-crossing your path as you go up and down the aisles? You know what kind of snacks they eat, their beverages of choice and what they plan on having for dinner each of the next few days. After a few times passing each other, you start acknowldeging their existance and by the end, you're looking in their cart to see if you forgot anything you needed. It really symbolizes the kinship of all living things.

Now that NBC is unveiling another soon-to-be-wildly-successful Law & Order, we're that much closer to an all Law & Order, all the time channel. In fact, when I'm put in charge of TNT3, that'll be the format, except for roundtable discussions debating who the hottest assistant district attorney was featuring me and my friends. (Early frontrunner, Stephanie March, with Angie Harmon and Jill Hennessy as stong contenders)

Is a person's cell phone ring the equivilent of the song played just before a baseball player takes his turn at the plate?

Wanted: One Good Intern

Since I've been feeling poorly lately, I haven't had time to post anything. However, I did manage to write a column for my real job and figured I'd post it here as well.


Wanted: One good intern

I'm a Seinfeld addict. I love the show. If not for Law & Order, you'd probably read much more about my Seinfeld obsession in this space.
As it is, I watch more of that show than I care to admit, especially considering there hasn't been a new episode in almost seven years.
Despite the fact that many of the shows are a decade or more old, they're still somehow a relevant look at everyday life.
In one episode, Kramer gets an intern who does little more than follow Kramer around and set up meetings at the coffee shop with Jerry. It looked like a pretty easy job.
That got me wondering what it would be like if I had an intern. Granted, I don't do much, so my intern wouldn't have a lot of responsibilities, but there would be some, of course.
If, for some strange reason, any of you out there were thinking "You know what's missing in my life? I need to give something back to the community and the best way for me to do that is to become an intern for that guy who writes for the paper. No, not Jake, but that other guy who never really writes about anything important. That would make my life complete."
Well, if that's you, send your resume and application to my email at the bottom of this column.
And in case you're curious, here are a few of the responsibilities my intern would have to take care of:
• Watch SportsCenter every morning and tell me if there's anything I have to see.
• Recap the Law & Order reruns that I miss during the week, making sure to tape any episodes that may be of particular interest to me.
• Drop off my bills at the various locations that I owe money to.
• Remind me of any important dates, such as birthdays, anniversaries, or other dates that could wind up with me sleeping on the couch;
• Purchasing flowers or other "I'm sorry" paraphernalia that will be needed from time to time due to the fact that I'm a guy and therefore predisposed to any of the following: saying something stupid; not saying something nice; not responding quickly enough when someone is fishing for a compliment; giving the wrong complement; failing to keep my sarcasm in check; spending to much money on flowers; not spending enough on flowers; leaving the toilet seat up; ignoring Yes Dear during any sporting event; not noticing Yes Dear has left during a sporting event; not caring that Yes Dear has left during a sporting event; playing video games instead of listening to Yes Dear; any other occasion that would necessitate the groveling and begging for forgiveness.
• Purchasing flowers "just because" on a regular, monthly schedule;
• Summarizing Sports Illustrated, Newsweek and Sporting News on a weekly basis and pointing out articles that I need to read;
• Constantly searching for a more comfortable couch;
• Minor responsibilities regarding my fantasy baseball team;
• Minor car maintenance, up to and including rebuilding a transmission just because I want to see it done;
• Schedule racquetball games between myself and Official Brother, making sure that any scheduled game doesn't conflict with important sporting events, plans Yes Dear may have made or other possible conflicts.
That pretty much sums up what I would need my intern to do. Obviously there would be some other scheduling responsibilities, including checking with my boss to find out what stories I need to write and arranging those interviews.
Unfortunately, I can't offer to pay you any money. However, if things work out, I may be able to work in a game of Madden 2005 on the Playstation2 with you once a week, if you can fit it into my schedule.

So Santa Claus, a giant bug and Harry Carey walk into a bar . . .

I have an unhealthy obsession with bobblehead dolls (errr. bobblehead action figures).

Right now on my desk at work, there are five bobbleheads staring back at me, including Santa, Nic the Gnat and Harry Carey. (I also have a bobblewaist hula girl in a grass skirt, needless to say, my editor doesn't sit near my desk often.)

I can't really explain why I like bobbleheads so much. Unless there's an earthquake in southeast Georgia anytime soon, they're really just dolls (I did it again, action figures, action figures, action figures) that don't serve much of a purpose.

But I love the things. I got a Ryne Sandberg bobblehead for Christmas from my parents and Yes Dear got me a Mark Prior bobblehead for my birthday (Prior is on the computer desk at home, though I get the feeling Yes Dear doesn't like it to much . . . especially since the only way I could keep it at home is if we put it on top of the computer desk so you can't see it when you're actually working.)

My Sammy Sosa action figure was almost destroyed by a two-year-old at my previous job. I left the figure at work (as usual) and when I showed up to work on a Saturday, our publisher's two-year-old "angel" had Sosa in a headlock and was trying to twist his head right off. Fortunately I arrived as I don't know that our publisher noticed or cared that his son was destroying my stuff . . . and people wonder why I left that job.

What I'm watching: American Idol
What I'm reading: Double Play (it'll be finished by the weekend)
On Deck: Quick hitters (some mine, some stolen)

No boobs on the Boob Tube

So, like millions of people, (86 million to be exact, according to Neilsonand his media research group) I watched the Super Bowl and it’s fairly entertainingbut nothing special halftime show with Sir Paul McCartney.

I have nothing against Sir Paul and consider myself, if not a fan ofThe Beatles, I’m at least someone who likes their songs. I guess that’s theresult of growing up with Parental Unit and her love of the Fab Four.

(Quick side note: When Parental Unit was a little girl, her father wouldn’tlet her go see “A Hard Day’s Night” when it was playing at their movie theater.However, after it left the theater, he asked her and her sisters why theydidn’t go see it. I can only imagine this is some sort of parental torturetechnique used to show the children who retains the power.)

Anyway, after last year’s halftime (peep) show, the NFL and FOX wentultra-conservative in its choice of halftime entertainment; McCartney seemedlike a safe choice.

Fortunately this year, the FCC showed that it won the battle of boobson the television. (Or, as it’s commonly referred to as, the “boob tube,”but boobs are conspicuously absent from said tube, I don’t understand.)

Unfortunately, the FCC has apparently forgotten that we are in a waron drugs at this time and the song choice of Sir Paul seemed to – if notpromote - at least mention casual drug use.

In “Get Back,” Sir Paul sings about finding some “California Grass” andI don’t think he was referring to a nicely manicured lawn in San Diego.

And “Hey Jude” seems to be an ode to heroin use with lyrics such as “theminute you let her under your skin/ then you begin to make it better.”

Not surprisingly, there’s been more of an outrage that Sir Paul is aBrit singing at a uniquely American event then there has about the drug referenceson broadcast television.

What I’m Watching: Coupling
In my PS2: FIFA Soccer 2005
On Deck: Bobbleheads and my fascination with them

More Cowbell . . .

It's been a while since I've taken the time to sit and add anything to this blog of mine, and I wish I had a good excuse like I'd found the cure to cancer or proved the theory of evolution, but it boils down to watching a lot of television and playing FIFA 2005 are the reasons I haven't written anything.

(And let's be honest here, it's not like I'm actually writing anything deeply profound that's going to change your life. I wrote about putting a dead cat in a freezer last time.)

Anyway, during my television watching, I got to thinking about my college days, where I didn't have to schedule time to relax. Heck, I was a journalism major, relaxing was a way of life for me. While other people were cramming for midterms, I had a page-and-a-half, half-baked story about some random campus event. I hated finals week because I was bored. All my friends were busy pulling all-nighters at Henderson Library, I was writing another half-baked story about another random campus event.

Fortunately for my sanity, Comedy Central had the rights to the reruns of Saturday Night Live (which is, without a doubt, the greatest late-night comedy sketch show ever to run for more than 30 years on NBC).

The folks in charge of afternoon programming at Comedy Central had the world's easiest job. Reruns of SNL from noon to three in the afternoon, an hour break to make it look like they were actually working and then more SNL reruns until 8 p.m.

This fit in perfectly with the college student's schedule. Got a break from class from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.? Sure, you could study, even try to perhaps educate yourself on your chosen area of study, but where's the fun in that? You've got the rest of your life to try go over reports and create lesson plans (most of my friends were education majors, so I feel like I almost minored in education, but that's a different story for a different time), why waste a perfectly good three-hour block when Comedy Central could fill that void with mindless entertainment that spawned a thousand catch-phrases among my friends.

Things like:
"I gotta have more cowbell."
"I will punch you in the face if you do not get off the shed."
And my all-time favorite "I drive a Dodge Stratus. You do not talk to me that way, I drive a Dodge Stratus."

But like the song says, "you don't know what you've got, til it's gone."

Little did we know that soon E! (as opposed to "e", the less flamboyant cousin of E!) would obtain the rights to the SNL reruns. Fortunately for me, I was already out in the "real world" (For those still in school, it's nothing like the MTV show, those liars!)

E!'s (<----- is that proper punctuation?) programmers apparently care about the education of today's college students and only show two episodes a day, one at 4 p.m. and one at midnight. Seriously, what self-respecting college student is home at midnight to watch SNL (I mean besides me?) Today's college students have every opportunity to become tomorrow's leaders without the distraction of an American institution . . . I weep for today's students. They will never know the joy of seeing Chris Kattan's Mango or Christopher Walken hosting for the 128th time. Mike Myers will always be Austin Powers to them and not the host of Sprokets. The Church Lady will mean nothing to them. How can we call these students educated without these basic building blocks of knowledge? I shudder to think what the future may be like.

What I'm Watching: Law & Order
What I'm Reading: Double Play
On Deck: The NFL's support of drug use among it's fans

My cat story from Hell

Several year’s ago I was asked to cat-sit for a family as they went on vacation for a few days. Somehow over my years in this town, I’ve become the pet-sitting guy as quite a few families ask me to care for their animals when they leave town.

Generally, people with pets will pay fairly well to care for their animals when they’re gone, so I don’t mind doing this at all. Besides, pets are a lot like children – they’re fun to play with, but at the end of the day, it’s nice to be able to give them back to their owners.

Anyway, this particular time, the family went to North Carolina to the beach and asked me to care for their two pets, a dog and a cat.

The first day went smoothly as I let the dog out to do his business and filled the cat’s food and water bowl as well as adding the cat’s medicine.

So Day Two arrives and again, I care for the dog and then feed the cat. I noticed there didn’t appear to be much food eaten by the cat, but I figured it had something to do with the fact that the owners were out of town. Cats are finicky to begin with, so I didn’t really think much of it.

When I arrive for Day Three, I see that the cat food is just as I’d left it. It’s also about this time I notice I haven’t seen the cat since Day One, again not something I was overly concerned with, but at the same time, if I’m caring for an animal, I’d at least like to see it every once in a while.

I begin looking for the elusive cat, searching the house, looking under tables and in corners, but can’t find the cat.

Finally, after about a half-hour of looking, I end up seeing the cat under the parent’s bed. I notice it’s lying motionless, but it doesn’t appear to be sleeping.

I go to pet the cat and it’s stiff as a James Bond drink. Apparently it had died on my watch, so I’m trying to think what I can tell the family and wondering if I need to call them while they’re away.

Eventually I decide the best thing to do would be to call them, so I muster up all the courage I can to tell these friends of mine that their beloved family pet had died on my watch and wondering if I’d be welcome in their home again.

But wait, it gets better.

When I finally get in touch with them and tell them the bad news, they ask me where the cat is. I tell them it’s still under the bed. It never occurred to me that I might need to do something with the cat, but what do you do with the remains of a dead cat that’s not even yours?

Well, apparently, the family wanted to have a proper burial for their family pet, so they ask me to get a garbage bag and place the cat in there.

(At this point, I have no idea what they’re going to ask me to do. I could be tossing it in the back yard or taking it to get stuffed so it could be mounted. It was a weird couple of seconds waiting to hear what was coming).

After placing the cat in the bag, they asked me to put the bag in their outdoor freezer (where they keep food, mind you) and leave it there and they’d do whatever they were going to do when they got back.

Fortunately, they weren’t mad and told me the cat was very old, but it still felt weird to take money from them for being on duty when their cat croaked.

What I’m Watching: Coupling on BBC America
What I’m Reading: Double Play by Robert Parker
On Deck: Why today's college students are smarter than just a few years ago.