Talk dirty to me

Televised sports were invented for me. As I've mentioned in a previous blog entry, if it's a sporting event and it's on, more than likely I'll stop to at least check it out.

Having watched so many sports, I've had the opportunity to listen to all types of announcers. I've been fortunate to listen to some of the best in the broadcast booth, from Vin Scully in Los Angeles to current New York Yankee and soon to be great broadcaster Al Leiter providing color commentary for baseball playoffs.

Also, I've listened to some of the worst. From John Madden (mumble, mumble, mumble BOOM!) to Joe Morgan, a bad announcer can make a game utterly unwatchable.

No tandem is worse, right now, than Ken Harrelson and Darrin Jackson for the Chicago White Sox. It's like listening to two eighth graders cheer for their favorite team with total disregard to the other team. While I'd expect some bias from them as they are the White Sox announcers, they make FOX News look hostile towards Bush.

Anytime their pitcher strikes out an opposing batter, we've got to hear him say "He Gawwwn." Aside from the miserable grammar he's teaching our kids, (well, your kids, I'm still happily childless), it gets downright annoying.

If a White Sox player hits a home run, while the ball's in the air, Harrelson and Jackson say, in unison, "You can put it on the booooaaaarrrrrdddd . . . YES! (by the way, is the singular version a White Sock? I really don't know how to identify a single White Sox player.) It's fun for . . . Let's say one homerun. After that, it's obnoxious homerism at it's worst.

All of which brings me to Monday night. My satellite company, DISH Network, gave it's subscribers a free weeklong trial of Extra Innings (their package that let's you watch the majority of major league baseball games televised, even if they're not in your market.) The Cubs were playing the Reds and, unfortunately for me, we got the Reds telecast of the game. However, being a Cubs fan, I was willing to deal with this minor inconvenience if it meant I would get to see the Cubbies play.

After hearing a lot of announcers from the various teams, I wasn't expecting much from the duo of the Reds.

Was I ever pleasantly surprised!

They were knowledgeable, informative, and most of all, remarkably unbiased and a pleasure to listen to. It made the whole ballgame enjoyable to listen to. (Of course, the Cubs won, so that made it even better.)

They made sure to point out the things the Cubs did well and poorly and, more shockingly, pointed out any of the mistakes the Reds made. It was refreshing to hear two people who know about the game and explain it mostly unbiased. Sure, they wanted the Reds to win, but they didn't let the fan in them get in the way of their job.

The Cubs television announcers are biased, but not so much that it gets in the way of questioning a decision the players or coaches make. I wish they'd talk a little more about the Cubs opponents on a given night, but all in all, I like them.

Not Good Times Update: I was about a mile from my apartment on my way home from work today when a lady slammed into the back of my truck. Fortunately neither of us were injured, but I can't say the same for our vehicles. Her car had extensive damage to the front end. My truck, meanwhile, had the bumper absorb most of the impact, but it took a pretty good shot. Also, the force of the wreck caused my head to slam into the window behind me, leaving a pretty nice hole in it, (the window, not my head.) To make things worse, it was raining and my umbrella has been missing for a few months, so I was standing in the rain waiting for the police. Fortunately, it wasn't my fault, but I'd have preferred to to be involved in an accident at all.

Health update: It turns out my wife does have a kidney infection, which is not good as she also has a final tomorrow in her class. As for me, I have a knot in my head, but otherwise, I'm ok.

Link of the Week: Apparently, my fantasy sports opponents have figured out how to stop the Fighting Squirrels.

Car Update: While my truck will soon be out of commission for a few days to get fixed, Yes Dear's car is up and running again, only the people who fixed the radiator apparently forgot to reconnect the air conditioner. Just a reminder, I live in south Georgia and it's July. In other words, air conditioning is vital to a happy Yes Dear. She's hoping to get it fixed in the morning.

On Deck: I ask you, my faithful readers, for advice.
Next Update: Friday or Saturday.

Monday Monday

You'd think after taking five days off from blogging I'd have something worth writing about. Well, if you've ever read anything on here, you've probably noticed I rarely have anything worth writing about, but I write anyway.

I'd planned on bashing the advertising industry for their lust of seeing every available square inch (or centimeter, as the case may be) of usable space taken up by advertising, and still may write about it one day. But after a rough few days, I figure I'd just give you an update so you know I'm not dead.

Health Update: I'm not dead. Nor is Yes Dear, though she may have a kidney infection. She had immense back pains over the weekend and went to the doctor today. She goes back on Wednesday and will hopefully know what's going on then.

Car Update: One of the reason's I had such a crappy weekend is because our car somehow ended up with a cracked radiator which will cost us $200 we don't have right now. I guess it's better to have it happen now then when we head to Florida in two weeks, but it would have been even better if it didn't happen at all.

Wedding Update: Well, I went to the third of the four weddings I'm going to in July. It was nice, the reception was nice, though very, very long. You know, I honestly wasn't overly excited about having to go to my wedding (all the pomp and circumstance annoys me), so you can imagine my feelings when it comes to going to four in one month.

Weekend Update: A friend from college stayed with us Friday and Saturday nights. It was fun to see her again. Sunday I did laundry and dealt with the broken car as best I could (I have very little patience when things don't go according to plan, so it was not a good day on Sunday.)

Cubs Update: After losing eight straight, the Cubs have won seven out of eight to climb to within five games of the Wild Card.

Fantasy Update: The Fighting Squirrels had a mixed weekend, winning in one league while falling in the other. We're still in playoff contention, which is all that really matters as you only need three good weeks at the end of the year to win the title.

Work Update: Beginning in five weeks, I have to start working on Friday nights until the end of football season. I'm less than excited, but since coworkers who are higher up on the food chain that I am read this, I'm going to refrain from saying anymore.

On Deck: Probably something Cubs related, since I haven't done that in a while.
Next Update: Wednesday

One is the loneliest number

I know I already did a post about 100 things about me, but here's some more information about me, by the numbers.

26 - my age
23 - months Yes Dear has put up with me in marriage
3 - years we dated before getting married
4 - Number of Cubs games Yes Dear and I have attended together
0 - Number of Cubs wins Yes Dear and I have seen in person
2 - Number of brothers both Yes Dear and I have
0 - Number of sisters I have
1 - number of sisters Yes Dear has
17 - the number I wore for my soccer teams
5 - the number of goals I scored in my high school career
18 - the number of years I played competitive soccer
0 - the number of scholarship offers I recieved
3.53 - my grade point average in college
3 - It's the magic number (thank you School House Rock)
1 - Number of times I've been to Wrigley Field
35 - Months I've worked at my current job
7 - Months I worked at my previous job
23 - Favorite number
140 - Channel number of ESPN on Dish Network
22 - Number of years I've lived in Statesboro
2 - Number of cities I've lived in during my lifetime
4.5 - years it took me to finish college
2 - Number of Georgia Southern home football games I missed while in school
280 - Most minutes in one weekend I played soccer (four complete games of 70 minutes each)
14 - minutes for the fastest I was ever clocked in the two-mile run
13 - minutes it would have taken in my peak physical condition to run two miles
20 - minutes it would take me to run two miles now
6 - total number of years playing fantasy sports
1 - number of times I've won a fantasy sports league

Maybe later I'll revisit this theme again, but that's all for now.

Link of the week: Men between the ages of 22-30 should weep after reading this.

I couldn't wait around forever for Kelly Kapowski

Home run derby update: My pick, Carlos Lee, finished fourth, the Phillies Bobby Abreu hit a whopping 24 in the first round and ended up winning the title.

Wedding Update: I may have previously said I had three consecutive weekends of attending a wedding, and I was wrong. Make it four. The good news is I'm halfway there. Anyway, I'll have to dig around and try to find my games to play at weddings column I wrote and post it here.

Blog posting update: We've got company coming in this weekend, so there's a chance I won't be posting again until Monday. Check back this weekend, I may be able to find time for a quick post.

On Deck: Someone please make the advertising stop.
Next Update: No later than Monday night. (Don't stop reading because I take a break, I'll be back eventually, I promise)

It's a small world after all . . .

It's going to be a short post tonight. The Home Run Derby is about to come on and I won't want to miss it. (By the way, my prediction is Carlos Lee winning the derby.) Anyway, on to the post.

For the past two years, we've been receiving mail for the former resident of our apartment. It's never anything important, usually junk mail that we just throw away.

So imagine my surprise when we attended a wedding recently when a friend of Yes Dear's introduced us to that same tenant. We talked about the pros and cons of the apartment, our mutual neighbor (before she moved) and random stuff about it. It's weird to meet someone who you know has been naked in your bathroom before.

Weekend update: Friday night we visited my parents for dinner and spent some time with them. Saturday, we went to a wedding in the morning and I did some work at the office for a while. Sunday we watched the Cubs and went out to dinner before watching some TV. Overall, a fairly non-eventful weekend.

Dodgeball Update: Friday afternoon before going to my parents, I played dodgeball with Yes Dear's coworkers. I had a blast and forgot just how fun that game is. I also forgot how badly out of shape I am. Saturday I was sore and Sunday, it hurt to move. In fact, Saturday night, I woke myself up several times because when I would roll over, it would hurt so much I would wake up. Here it is Monday night and I'm still feeling a little soreness in my shoulder. Not good times.

Fantasy Update: Jill Hennessy still hasn't called, but in other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels had a decent week, going 9-6-2 in one league to move into fourth place while not doing so well in my other league, falling 5-7 to remain in fifth place.

Scott Update: No word on whether Scott has apologized about being so wrong about Wyatt Sexton, the Florida State quarterback who was arrested and claimed he was God. It turns out it was Lyme Disease. (I can write this because he works two cubicles away from me. If I don't know you personally, I'm not going to call you out, don't worry.)

On Deck: Luke by the numbers plus the link of the week
Next update: Wednesday.

I'm much to young (to feel this damn old)

Museums are neat places. Generally there's going to be two types of things in museums . . . either really intersting things or really old things.

So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that the mini-museum of the student newspaper I wrote for in college had an article I'd written on display.

As you regular readers know, I'm not that intersting a guy, so that can only mean one thing. I'm old. After all, something of mine is on display in an historical context.

Of course, this isn't the first time I've had to face the reality that I'm getting older. When I was 17, Parental Unit took me out to buy me some new blue jeans (and you never say no to free clothes), and then we went grocery shopping (a small price to pay.) Anyway, after getting everything we needed, we proceeded to make our way to the checkout line (thankfully, this is before the self-checkout stuff.)

As we're waiting in line, a little boy who couldn't have been older than four tapped me on the leg and said (and I'll never forget this as long as I live) "sir, your milk is leaking."

I didn't know what to do. (Actually, that's not entirely true, I knew enough to go replace the milk jug with one that wasn't leaking, but that's beside the point.) A kid had just called me "sir." I was still in high school at the time. Heck, I was calling 25-year-olds sir. There was no way in this great wide world that I'd moved up to "sir" status. I don't fault the kid for calling me sir. After all, he was only being polite and doing what his parents had taught him. But still, I was only 17.

Unfortunatley, I'm being called "sir" more and more. I'm still fighting it. Just last week our new preacher introduced me as "Mr. Luke" to his son (who couldn't be any older than seven) and I said, "no need for Mr., just call me Luke." He (the pastor, not the son) said he faught that battle until he was 35 before giving up. Well, I'm 26 now, so I've got another nine years (at least) to continue the good fight against being called "sir."

Exercise Update: I played dodge ball today and let me tell you, my arm hurts right now just typing. I haven't thrown that much since I played baseball when I was 13. I'm scared to go to bed because when I wake up tomorrow, in addition to being sore all over, I'm not sure I'll be able to move my arm. That being said, I can't wait to play again. (And for the record, I'm miserably out of shape!)

Cubs Update: After losing eight straight, the Cubs actually won a game 9-6. Unfortunately, unless they play remarkably well for the second half of the season, it appears we could be heading to another "wait til next year" type season.

Weekend plans: I've got to work Saturday and Sunday (don't feel sad, it's only about two hours each day.) I'm also going to a wedding Saturday morning (my second in as many weeks, with another one next weekend.) Sunday, I'll watch the Cubs and, if it's not ungodly hot, try to play tennis with Yes Dear (if I can lift my arm.)

On Deck: Who knows, I'll reach into the grab bag and pull something out.
Next Update: Monday

Have a great weekend all, and until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.

Confessions (Part II)

Frequent visitors to the Nexus of the Universe may be wondering where confession number one was and what I confessed to. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there was no confession number one. Instead, I'm making a concerted effort to try to title my blog entries after song titles (I know how much some of you enjoyed the whole "Stacey's Mom" blog entry and commented on how much you liked having that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day, so I thought I'd try to make that a running theme . . . by the way, I'm putting the over/under on this trend at five entries, place your bets at the window.)

I never set out to be a homewrecker. When I took my wedding vows, I meant them. I'm pretty sure I said something about "forsaking all others" at some point, but to be honest, I was kind of distracted by the redhead in the second row (that's a joke, please don't tell Yes Dear I wrote that, for some reason she doesn't find it humorous when I make light of our wedding vows).

I also need to say that I like my friends and their wives. They're good people, that's why they're my friends. And I like their wives. In fact, I was friends with them as well. On my desk at work is a picture of Yes Dear and myself and two other couples when we were all dating. Now, all of us are married to the people in the picture. In other words, we've been friends for a while and I don't want to ruin any of those relationships.

But, it appears, I may have unwittingly attributed to the strife in a few relationships.

As you probably know (unless you're skipping over my "Fantasy Update" segments, in which case you don't know), I do the whole fantasy sports thing. For a while, my friends resisted playing, either out of fear of not knowing enough about the sport or the fact that we didn't have a space for them in the league at the time.

However, in the summer of 2002, several of us got together at a friend's house for an after party following a wedding when I asked to borrow the Internet for a while to check on the status of my fantasy guys.

Well, a few of the guys there wanted to see what I was doing and seemed genuinely intrigued by the idea of fantasy sports. Unfortunately, at that point in the season, it was to late to start a new league.

The next spring, however, six of us formed a fantasy baseball league. Now if you know anything about fantasy baseball, you know that six people is not enough for a league. Essentially, every player has an all-star caliber player at every position on the roster, which is fun, but there's really not a lot of strategy involved.

This year, we managed to rope eight people into playing, which is just enough that you're not wondering who the backup catcher for the Devil Rays is, but you have a decent player at most positions and you actually need to follow the season if you want to have any chance of winning.

Therein lies the problem here. A few of my friends have, shall we say, gone off the deep end when it comes to fantasy baseball, spending upwards of five hours a day tinkering with their teams. If they were single, this wouldn't be a problem. However, for some crazy reason, the guys wives want to be around them and spend time with them.

I can't help but think that if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be playing fantasy sports and would be spending time with their lovely wives instead of scanning the available free agents to see if there's a guy who could get them three more steals each week.

So there you have it. I inadvertently became a homewrecker, though I've managed to do it from the comforts of my own home and without putting my own marriage in jeopardy.

(And you're probably wondering to yourself, "how does Luke pull off operating his fantasy squads without his wife getting mad at him?" It's simple. While home is the place for last minute fantasy changes, the hard core fantasy research needs to be done at work, unless any of my superiors read this, in which case I stay up until 2 or 3 a.m. doing fantasy research because the company's time is not the time to take care of personal matters. It's a time for work. Laughter and fun has no place at work.)

Link of the Week: Everyone loves Kool-Aid

Cubs Update: A rain out today, but we've lost six straight and badly need a win.

On Deck: Something non-sports related . . . maybe.
Next Update: Friday

Take me out to the ballgame . . .

Yes Dear and I go to one or two Major League Baseball games a year. I say two, but in reality, we've only gone to two games in one season once, and that's when the Cubs made the playoffs and were in Atlanta.

So Monday's trip to see the Cubs play in Atlanta was most likely our one pilgramiage to see my team play, and, for the fourth consecutive time, the Cubs lost when I went.

This, for me, (sadly) is old hat as I've been though the lean years of being a Cubs fan. Yes Dear, on the other hand, only came around to being a Cubs fan shortly after we got married, so she's not beaten down by the losing as much as me.

She wants to see a win!

As for the game itself, the Cubs looked to be suffering the after-effects of losing in 12 innings the day before. The offense looked lethargic (despite getting some pitches to hit) and baserunning mistakes cost them. They fell behind 3-0 after one inning and never really threatened to get back into it, eventually losing 4-0. I don't think the Cubs ever got a runner to third base (sounds like my dating record).

Despite the loss, we had a good time. We got there early for batting practice and got to see some of the players up close, which was a thrill for both myself and Yes Dear. Also, we got a fireworks show after the game, which was pretty good.

However, getting back home at 2:30 a.m. and trying to get to work by 10 a.m. was not fun. Had the Cubs won, it would have been much easier. Oh well, there's always next year.

Weekend update: We went to a wedding on Saturday and then watched a lot of the Live 8 concerts. Sunday was (as you know), laundry day, followed by watching the Cubs lose in 12 innings. Then we went to my parents' house for a cookout since we were going to be out of town on Monday.

Fantasy Update: Jenny McCarthy still hasn't called, but in other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels went 10-6-1 in one league (where I'm withing striking distance of third place) and going 7-5 in the other league to remain in fourth place.

On Deck: How I inadvertantly became a homewrecker (you're intrigued, aren't you?)
Next Update: Wednesday

Stacey's mom has got it going on . . .

Throughout the history of television, there has been one show that has epitomized what the medium can be. The show I'm talking about is what the inventors of television hoped their invention would spawn. There is no word wonderful enough to describe it..so i will make one up right now..and it is...scrumtrulecent..." That's how good the show is.

What show is it I'm talking about?

MTV's "Date My Mom."

For those unfamiliar with the premise, basically a guy goes on three "dates" with the mothers of three single girls and chooses one at the end based on what the mothers tell him.

But the show is so much more than that.

First of all, while the show is technically classified as "reality," the truth of the matter is there's a lot of really REALLY bad acting going on. Before each "date," the mother and daughter are usually sitting around a table or in the back yard talking and EVERY SINGLE TIME, the conversation revolves around "what are you going to say about me?" I swear to you, these people are reading cue cards off camera.

The "dates" with the mom usually follow this simple plot:

1. What's your name?
2. What's your daughter's name?
3. What's she look like? (usually the mom's try to compare their daughter to a movie star, and usually they're way off base)
4. What's the one thing that, if you told me, would cause your daughter to never show her face in public (usually it's the same thing that the daughter asked her mother not to tell)
5. Well, it's been fun, let's head back.
6. Mom and daughter recap the date using the following questions:
A. What's his name?
B. What's he look like?
C. What did you talk about (here's where mom reveals that she told the guy her daughter is high maintenance, not always honest or any other thing you wouldn't want your mom saying about you, especially before you've met the guy)
D. The daughter asking "what are our chances of winning?" and the mom saying she things they have a great chance.

After the three dates, the guy and three moms all go to some beach where he makes his decision. The mom's all act over confident, saying they're sure their princess is perfect for this guy they spent an hour with.

He'll begin by telling the mom's what a good time and all the positive qualities he thinks their daughter possesses before getting to the heart of the show.

He'll make up some flimsy excuse like "Sandra, your said your daughter likes to drink and party a lot, well I'm really focused on my school work, so Sandra, I don't want to date your daughter."

At that point, she'll say "well Fred, you're making the biggest mistake of your life (as if the *NSYNC tattoo on his biceps wasn't actually his biggest mistake) and the daughter steps out of the limo with slow motion camera work to make us think she's prettier than she really is.

Then we cut to the guy's reaction (apparently away from everyone else) where he says that he made a mistake or her mom oversold her beauty.

Repeat that step for the second rejection and then the guys says to the third mom that her daughter sounds perfect in every way and he'd like to date her daughter.

The closing credits begin after the guy, daughter and mom run a few yards (meters for my Canadian friends) before the mom stops and the guy and girl run off into the sunset.

My favorite moment from the show was when a guy saw his winning date and said "she's hot, but not as hot as the mom."

There's comedy, high comedy, transcendent comedy, and there's having some guy tell the world that he thinks your mom is hotter than you.

Stacey's mom has got it going on. She's all that I want and I've waited for so long. Stacey can't you see you're just not the girl for me. I know I might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacey's mom.

Weekend Plans: Helping someone move on Saturday morning, followed by a wedding in the afternoon and the watching the Cubs. Sunday (all together now) is laundry day, but I'll watch the Cubs and hopefully play tennis with Yes Dear. On Monday, I'll be in Atlanta to watch the Cubs take on the Braves. Look for me on TV. I'll be the guy in the Cubs jersey (or, one of about 5,000 guys in Cubs jerseys scattered throughout the ballpark.)

Blog Link: If you enjoyed my take on "Date My Mom" read this on the show Elimidate.

On Deck: My experience at the Cubs game.

Next Update: Tuesday (no post Monday due to being out of town)

Have a great weekend and remember, take care of yourself, and each other.