A non-update

It's been quite a few days since I've updated. I'd like to say I had a great excuse like I was finishing the Great American Novel or I'd spent the past few days in a state of nirvana. I'd like to say that, but it would be a bold faced lie. (Acutally, it would be a plain faced lie as I wasn't using the bold font, but let's not quibble over details. I haven't updated, you've felt neglected, I've promised to try harder and you forgave me, can't we move on now?)

Sadly, I've contracted a nice case of writers block and therefore I've been staring at this screen for 20 minutes and I'm only on the second paragraph.

It's a funny thing, writers block. For me, anyway, I'm paralyzed by the open page. It's like I'm expected to write something deeply profound (or, in my case, mildly amusing) and I go blank. Funny things happen to me. I recall thinking "I need to write a blog entry about that." And when I sit down to write, I get nothing.

It's as though someone turned off the faucet in my mind and nothing's coming out. (And anyone who knows me knows it would only take a quarter-turn to shut my mind off.)

And yet, here I sit, writing about nothing as though you, the valued reader, were wondering my thoughts about nothing.

Hopefully next time I'll actually be able to write something meaningful, or at least entertaining.

Stolen Car Update:

DC Brother's car was recovered sometime on Friday. The windows were broken, all his personal belongings were stolen. (CDs, books - seriously, who steals books? There's a library that will give you books and all you have to do is return them. There's no need to steal.)

Anyway, after my last entry, I learned the full story of the stolen car. It appears that when DC Brother went to leave work, he found his car gone. He called the police and gave them the information, including the license plate and all that good stuff.

Well, when the police ran the plate number, they found the plates were expired. When the policeman informed DC Brother of this, my brother responded "I don't suppose you're going to give me a ticket, are you?" (He didn't.)

Fantasy Baseball Update:

Well, I went with the name change. The Steel Rabbits are no more. Now, I'm the proud owner, general manager, custodian, assistant to the traveling secrtary and bus driver of the Fighting Squirrels. I'll go more in depth about the Fighting Squirrels in my Weekend Update on Monday.

Tuesday evening riff . . .

Usually I plan on updating every Monday night for a quick weekend recap/random thoughts/Steel Rabbits update. However, a conference championship game in Madden 2005 and a Cubs game on the Internet prevented me from achieving my goal, so what you're getting is a day late and a dollar short.

It was a rough week for the Steel Rabbits. In the PPUMCFBL (That's Pittman Park United Methodist Church Fantasy Baseball League) the Rabbits of Steel went 6-10-1, dropping us to 5th place out of eight. In my other league, "The Boro" (comprised of myself, six guys I went to college with and Official Brother), the Steel Rabbits completed a disasterous 1-9-2 week to drop us from second to sixth. The injury to Nomar (see a few posts down) is going to kill me. I took him in the fourth round and kind of reached to get him at that point.

The Cubs lost tonight 11-9. Seriously, what was I thinking at the beginning of the season predicting 90 wins? Not only was I way off base, I don't even think I was in the right sport.

I went to Charleston Friday night so my wife could go to a baby shower on Saturday. I spent all day watching the NFL draft and playing PS2. I don't know about the rest of Yes Dear's family, but a good time was had by me.

Speaking of PS2, I claimed the Super Bowl today with the Green Bay Packers with a 34-10 win over the Baltimore Ravens. Saddly, that was the most productive thing I did on Tuesday.

I hate to admit this, but I've actually watched the first three weeks of ESPN's Battle of the Gridiron Stars. I don't know which is worse, admitting that I've watched it or the fact that television executives can't find any better programming to put on a Tuesday night.

On a disturbing note, DC Brother (so named b/c he recently moved back to DC) had his car stolen while he was at work Tuesday. Not good times. If there's any positive in the search to find it, the tag is expired, so there's a chance it may turn up in a random police stop.

Watching bandwagons pass us by

It's only April and the Cubs bandwagon is falling apart. I don't mean falling apart like the radio button is stuck and now we only get the classic country station, I mean falling apart like the Bluesmobile upon arriving at Daley Plaza.

Elwood: Oh no!
Jake: What was that?
Elwood: We threw a rod!
Jake: Is that serious?
Elwood: Yup.



Sadly, I'm the captain of this fine bandwagon.

We're already using our backup shortstop and second baseman, our bullpen has more holes in it than 2-year-old socks and we couldn't score runs if they were handing out free samples at Wal-Mart. We desperately need Todd Walker back in our lineup. I hate to say it, but the Cubs may need to trade some of their young pitching prospects for another big bat in the lineup.

Latroy Hawkins is in midseason form already, blowing another save on Saturday that ruined a vintage Greg Maddux performance. I never thought I'd long for the day that Joe Borowski was healthy. (For those who don't know, "Borowski" translates to "six-pack" in English.)

Could it really be just three weeks ago I predicted 90 wins for the Cubs? What I meant was the Cubs will go through 90 players between shortstop and second base this year.

I looks like it's going to be a long year, friends. The good news is there's still plenty of seats available. The bad news is . . . well, have you seen our bandwagon. We're not exactly riding in style right now.

What did I do . . .

If you're a sports fan, you know that Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra tore his groin muscle Wednesday night. (Just writing that makes me wince in pain)

(Aside from the obvious implications for the Cubs, this means I won't get to see Garciaparra when the Cubs play the Braves in Atlanta in July. Yes Dear won't be happy about that!)

Well, to show my support for the fallen Cubbie, I wore my Boston Red Sox Nomar jersey today. It's the least I could do to show my support for the new face of the Cubs.

Anyway, I'm wearing the jersey at work, suffering though the insults and mock sympathy for losing my team's biggest star for two or three months when it comes time to head home for dinner.

Lo and behold, when I get home and opened the door, it hit me like a rush of hot air. Actually, it was a rush of hot air. Apparently our air filter was in desperate need of changing and therefore refused to let any air circulate though the apartment. The thermostat was reading 84. Not good times at all.

So I turn around and head to the nearest air filter store in an effort to alleviate the problem. It was there that it happened.

I was booed as I entered the store.

Two women, probably in their early 20s were, for some reason, sitting outside talking when I walked towards the entrance.

It would appear that the two ladies held some sort of animosity towards the Red Sox and expressed their displeasure in the jersey I'd chosen to wear that day.

I laughed as I walked in the store and they looked at me through the window, laughing as well.

When I walked out, they were still there and we laughed again. They didn't know that I'm not a Red Sox fan. I guess the Cubs hat I had on didn't give it away.

Still, being booed walking into a grocery store was a little wired.

Jon Stewart: The only place for news

More Americans get their news from Jon Stewart than any other nationality.

The following column appeared in the April 21 edition of the Statesboro Herald. It was a rebuttal to a column by Dick Yarbrough.

Syndicated columnist Dick Yarbrough worries about an emerging threat to America’s future. And what is this threat exactly? Is it terrorism or nuclear weapons? Nope. Is it the reliance of foreign oil? Not quite.

Yarbrough’s worried about our nation’s future because young journalists are turning to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for their news.

In his latest column, Yarbrough writes “This show, for those of you who are not hep, is a parody of current news events, which most of us see for what it is — a joke.”

While it’s true that Stewart’s satirical wit on the day’s events is what makes the show work, what Yarbrough apparently fails to grasp is that just because people are laughing doesn’t mean they’re not learning.

Yarbrough goes on to write that Stewart is contributing to a generation “that wants to dumb down and trivialize critical issues that will confront them long after I’m gone.”Yarbrough is worried that because a journalism student at his beloved University of Georgia wrote a column in which she admits she gets her news from Stewart’s show.

In his column, Yarbrough wrote that the student’s “words and deeds both represent my alma mater, the Grady College of Journalism.”He went on to write “Tomorrow’s journalists and those who teach them must understand that news is news and comedy is comedy, and never the twain shall meet.”

What Yarbrough apparently missed is that Stewart’s program won a 2004 Peabody Award for “distinguished achievement and meritorious service by radio and television networks” for its coverage of the 2004 presidential election. The show also won in 2000 for its election coverage.

To make things even worse for Yarbrough, his beloved University of Georgia sponsors the awards. It looks as though the twain did meet.

Apparently Yarbrough missed Stewart’s appearance on CNN’s Crossfire in which he lambasted the hosts for “partisan hackery.” Stewart said Crossfire and shows like that, such as FOX News’ Hannity and Colmes, do a disservice by not debating the issues facing the nation, but instead boiling every issue down to Republican versus Democrat.

“You have a responsibility to the American discourse and you’ve failed miserably,” Stewart told the Crossfire hosts.Instead of going after the news shows and demanding they raise their level of discussion to something resembling an adult conversation, Yarbrough attacks Stewart’s show.

Yarbrough must have the same opinion of Stewart’s viewers that FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly had when he called them “stoned slackers.”

O’Reilly’s comments came about six weeks prior to last November’s election and O’Reilly was apparently disappointed that John Kerry bypassed his show for Stewart’s.

O’Reilly even said that 87 percent of Stewart’s viewers are intoxicated when they watch The Daily Show.Apparently Yarbrough hasn’t seen the research conducted by Nielson Media following the exchange by Stewart and O’Reilly.

According to Nielson Media Research, Stewart’s viewers are 78 percent more likely than the average adult to have a four or more years of college education.

I can see where Yarbrough would be worried. After all, we wouldn’t want educated people watching a program that dumbs down the news.

Fortunately, those people aren’t watching a dumbed-down version of the day’s events.In fact, according to a survey by the National Annenberg Election Survey, those who watched The Daily Show knew more about election issues than those who watched TV news or read newspapers, including, presumably, Yarbrough’s columns.

I would assume that Yarbrough hasn’t ever watched Stewart’s show. If he had, he’d know that both the Democratic and Republican party leaders have appeared on his show to discuss the current state of American politics.

I’m an avid watcher of Stewart’s show. It’s both informative and entertaining, something Yarbrough must not believe is possible.

Luke Martin is a reporter for the Statesboro Herald. He doesn’t stray from humor writing often, but in this case, something had to be said. He can be reached at (912) 489-9454 or via email at lmartin@statesboroherald.net.

Oh, the humanity

Well friends, things are not looking good for the Cubs or for the Steel Rabbits at the moment. Nomar Garciaparra appeared to severly injure a groin, his own, during the Cubs/Cardinals game Wednesday night.


Mia can't be happy about this

I've never pulled a groin, so I don't know the exact agony Nomar is feeling right now.

Not good times at the Garciaparra compound for the next few weeks.

Why I'm not worried about amnesia

I don't take as many precautions in life as I should. I don't have a will or a living will, and while I doubt this is a legally-binding document, God forbid if I'm ever in a persistant vegatative state or coma, please, whatever you do, don't let me be the center of a media and political controversy. I don't want to be on TV around the clock with the likes of Bill O'Reilly and Nancy Grace discussing my future.

But despite being woefully unprepared for a tragic demise, I have taken on step to ensure people can identify me.

In my truck, I keep a name tag I was given at some conference I went to that has my name, my place of employment and the city in which I live. In the unfortunate event that I ever suffer amneisa and lose my memory while in my truck, I'll be able to look to the tag to help me figure out who I am.

As Eddie mentioned in his blog, I will have a column in Thursday's Statesboro Herald defending Jon Stewart and the Daily Show from a needless attack from a hack syndicated columnist. Don't worry, I'll be sure to post it here Thursday morning after it appears in the paper. (As I've mentioned, they pay me, so they get it first.)

There's only one Screech for me . . .

So the Washington D.C. area has a baseball team after 34 years without one. Not being from the D. C. area and having no plans whatsoever to attend a baseball game there, it didn't matter where they located the old Montreal Expos. As long as the Cubs got to play them six times a year and it wasn't in San Juan, I was happy.

No granted, I was disappointed that the team is named the "Nationals" and not the historic "Senators," but I'll survive this gross oversight by Major League Baseball.

However, today I learned some disturbing information. The kind of information that makes you reconsider your unhealthy devotion to a game you stopped playing competitively in seventh grade.

The Washington Nationals unveiled their new mascot last week. For some reason, it's a giant bird.

To be fair, I hate most mascots. (Not frightened, mind you, just general loathsome feelings towards them). They're great for the kids, but as a fan trying to watch a game, I don't need them. If I were bald, I especially wouldn't need a mascot coming up behind me while I'm watching a game and shining my bald head. (This is why I always wear a hat.)

Anyway, back to the Nationals new mascot. In a terrible naming contest that had to be disproportionately swayed by people in the 24-30 age group, the Nationals new mascot has been named after the lovable geek played by Dustin Diamond's in Saved by the Bell. That's right, they named it "Screech." Not only is this the worst name ever given to a mascot, but it manages to demean on of Saturday morning's biggest non-animated star ever.

Where's Randall Simon when you need him?

To make matters worse, Screech replaces Youppi, Montreal's former mascot. I have no idea what Youppi means, but isn't that the point of a mascot? Besides, as best I could tell, Youppi was the offspring of Mr. Met and the Syracuse Orange.

QUICK MONDAY HITTERS:

The Cubs are 6-6 entering play tonight. Not great, but not terrible. Plenty of time left for them to break my heart.

The Steel Rabbits, on the other hand, enjoyed a stellar week in both leagues, going 11-5-1 in one league in which I'm currently in fourth place and 6-5-1 in the other league in which I'm essentially tied for first.

I walked more than three miles yesterday. Nothing noteworthy except to say I'm miserably out of shape still.

I'm almost done with Deception Point, by Dan Brown, and I was actually wrong I who I thought was pulling the strings. (Again, no book review because I lack the talent, insight and desire to do one.)

Moving up in the world . . .

Every now and again, especially when I'm bored, I'll Google my name to see where I rank in the world of Luke Martins. Usually I'm fairly far down the list.

For a long time, my only claim to fame was writing a story in The Coastal Courier (the Hinesville, Ga. newspaper) about a house fire that started when a woman tried to get a snake out of her house by spraying it with gasoline. Apparently the gas got to close to the hot water heater, and one thing led to another and then the snake wasn't her top priority. (You can read that story here.)

That was usually on page four or five after you Googled "Luke Martin." But now, thanks to my columns in the Statesboro Herald, I've moved up to the second page of results. I have no idea what this means in the grand scheme of the cosmos, but it made my day today.

The perception problem of being a Cubs fan

Five year's after the Wright Brothers first took flight, the Cubs won their last World Series title. For those who don't like word problems, that was 1908, though to be fair, the Cubbies did win the title in 1907 and were considered by many to have the best team in baseball in 1906.

In 1945, the Cubs last visited the World Series. That was two years before Jackie Robinson integrated baseball (and became one of the most important figures in the 20th century). The world was recovering from World War 2 and television had only debuted a few years earlier. In other words, it's been a long time.

And over the past 97 years, the Cubs have been dubbed the "lovable losers" by the media and have portrayed their fans as somehow accepting of this label.

It's an easy mistake to make. For the better part of the past five decades, the Cubs postseason hopes have essentially ended by the time The Masters is finishing Day Two.

With so little hope, what did Cubs fans do? The only thing there was to do when your team played all its home games during the day. They drank. They drank a lot. They continued drinking and when they finished, they started again. What else are you going to do? The games were essentially meaningless by May, but there's no point in wasting a good day of baseball hooky from work, especially if you're going to enjoy the game from the bleachers in the sun.

Sure, the Cubs were losing early and often, but they gave thousands of people a reason to skip school and work. Who wouldn't have a good time under those circumstances? It's always more fun to goof off when you're supposed to be doing something.

Well, the media picks up on this and lo and behold, the Cubs are the lovable losers and their fans don't care because they're just looking for an excuse to drink.

Instead, losing was the excuse to drink. It was an escape from the fact that you were likely to live your entire life without seeing the Cubs in a World Series, much less win one.

So now, with expectations high, the media comes back and starts writing the "Cubs fans' won't accept losing" stories. I've never accpeted the Cubs (I want to say mediocrity, but that wouldn't do service to the levels of losing the Cubs have experienced . . . so let's go with failure) failure to win. It was just an unfortunate part of who they were. There was nothing lovable about it.

So spare me the "shedding the lovable losers" crap. I want to win. The team wants to win, and for the first time in a long time, the ownership actually wants to win. But even if (make that "when") the Cubs' expectations are like that of Screech landing a date with Pamela Anderson, I'll still be disappointed with every loss.

Cleaning up the mess in my mind

Ideas are stewn about my mind like the bones after a chance encounter with a killer rabbit. Much like the rabbit, the only way to fix it is with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. I pulled the pin and here's what came out:

I cheered for the Red Sox to win the World Series last year, but dear God, let it go now. How long is the media oversaturation going to continue? (I say that, but if the Cubs win the series in my lifetime, I'd want the party to never end)

Does the Burger King guy in their new commercials freak anyone else out, or is it just me?

Gary Sheffield should be suspended, but I don't fault him for what he did.

Is there a worse time to work than when you know it's absolutely gorgeous outside? It's even worse if you have windows and can see what you're missing. Fortunately for me, I work in a hole in the wall, so I can't see anything.

Hearing about Wednesday's Law & Order made me realize in need TiVo.

After seeing highlight's of Mark Prior pitching Wednesday, I'm feeling better about the Cubs season. . .

Then I only realize Prior only pitches once ever five games.

Who is in charge of Old Navy's marketing campaign and can we all agree they need to be shipped somewhere far, far away. They went from "Cheesy interesting" to "downright annoying to the point of boycott" in about five minutes.

How is it some women go from "kind of cute" to "downright hot" without changing anything about themselves? And more importantly, can I write about this as a married man?

Brittany Spears is pregnant. Just writing that makes me weep for society.

Don't fight the NyQuil

While I’m sitting here, my coworker and fellow blogger, Scott, is recovering from a wicked nasty cold that basically knocked him out of commission for two weeks.

His voice still hasn’t fully recovered (and if you’ve ever worked with him, that means there’s much more peace and quiet in which to actually work), but his sense of humor and bounce in his step is back.

As we were talking today, he mentioned taking the wonder drug of all wonder drugs, Nyquil, last night to help him sleep.

While others may prefer Tylenol, Advil or marijuana for their drug of choice, to me, there’s no great achievement in modern medicine than NyQuil.

It’s like the veterinarian of medication. A vet has to be able to cure a dog, a chicken, a cow, a pig or a cat all in one day. Likewise, NyQuil handles coughing, aching, stuffy head and a fever all while helping you sleep when death actually looks like the preferred way of escaping the cold.

I don’t get sick often, so when I do get to take NyQuil, it’s like a kid getting ice cream growing up. It’s a treat. But when I do get to take NyQuil, it’s like a little piece of heaven.

And like any good person, I’m routinely taking the magic elixir for a day or two longer than necessary, just for the good sleep it provides.

But there is a drawback to NyQuil. You can fight it. Typically, I’ll drink the juice 20 minutes before I plan on being asleep, giving it time to do it’s thing just as I’m ready for a long night of slumber.

However, on those strange days when I take it and then find something on television I want to watch, NyQuil turns in to Mike Tyson. If you can survive the first few rounds, the fight is yours. Sure, you’ll be a little groggy (correction: you’ll be a lot groggy,) but you’ll eventually win the battle.

But there is a caveat. I’m one of those crazy people who actually follow the recommended dosage and times for drugs, so while fighting the NyQuil may benefit me in the short run by allowing me to see the end of The Daily Show, I’ve got three more hours of feeling just tired enough to go to bed, but just sick enough that sleep is as elusive as a date with Tyra Banks.

Continuing the countdown to 100

In case you missed the first 50, click here.

Now, as Casey Kasum would say, "On with the countdown," (or, in this case, the count up to 100.)

51. My wife and I scheduled our wedding around Georgia Southern football.
52. It was my idea.
53. It was the only one of my wedding ideas that was implemented without changes.
54. We got married the last time the Cubs made the playoffs (in 2003.)
55. I believe our wedding had something to do with the Cubs winning.
56. I go to church most every week.
57. I have some problems with organized religion.
58. I'm a political moderate.
59. Due to a policy I have regarding this blog (namely no complaining), that's all I'll say about both religion and politics.
60. In addition to Jill Hennessy, I have a huge crush on Catherine Zeta-Jones.
61. Just for the heck of it, here's another photo of the lovely Catherine.
62. I believe Bill Simmons is the best sports writer in America right now.
63. I believe Seinfeld was the funniest sitcom in television history.
64. I wish I had a friend like George. (A little something for the lady readers)
65. I read a lot of stuff, but rarely books.
66. I'm disappointed Sports Illustrated isn't a socially acceptable answer to the question "What are you reading?"
67. Just to say I'm somewhat literate, I have started reading actual books.
68. I'm becoming a fan of Dan Brown.
69. He wrote The Da Vinci Code.
70. Currently I'm reading Deception Point by Brown.
71. I don't have the knowledge or the training to give a book review, so I'll spare you the agony.
72. You'll very rarely find anything about work on my blog.
73. It's part of that "no complaining" policy I have.
74. That being said, I really enjoy the people I work with.
75. I recently started playing racketball with my brother.
76. It's disappointing to see a ping-pong table set up just outside the racketball courts.
77. Especially when you're exhausted after only 25 minutes of playing.
78. I keep saying I need to get in shape.
79. When I tell people that, they remind me that round is a shape.
80. I once played 270 minutes of soccer in a 36 hour span.
81. In my mind, I still can.
82. In reality, after one sprint down the field, I'd be begging for a substitute.
83. I don't volunteer as much as I should.
84. I rationalize that by saying stories I do for good causes for the paper count as charity work.
85. I want to put a joke here about charity work and my paycheck, but fear of a vengeful and powerful higher-up on the corporate ladder reading this compels me to write this statement instead.
86. The higher-ups scare me.
87. Heck, my editor scares me.
88. I have an irrational fear of getting fired.
89. Some may say it's a rational fear after reading my work.
90. I think I may be starting to become addicted to Baseball Tonight.
91. I try to walk at least a mile 3-4 times a week.
92. I can't believe I'm this close but can't think of anything else.
93. My final celebrity crush would have to be Debra Messing.
94. Oddly enough, I don't watch much Will and Grace.
95. If I stop now, would anyone be disappointed?
96. You would?
97. Then I'll continue on.
98. I was on the opening montage of our local newscast for more than a year.
99. No one ever asked me for an autograph.
100. I made it though the list without mentioning my Playstation2.

There you have it. 100 useless facts about me. Now don't you wish you'd gone to espn.com like you'd planned?

On Deck: Something interesting, maybe.

A tradition unlike any other??

The Masters. A tradition unlike any other.

Or so CBS has told me for as long as I can remember. They've never told me why it's a tradition unlike any other. Instead, I guess they figured if they drilled it into my brain over the course of 26 years, eventually I wouldn't question it.

Well, this past Easter, my grandmother asked if Official Brother and I would like to go to the third round of the Masters. Figuring this would be our best chance to find out what makes the Masters a tradition unlike any other, as well as my best chance to meet SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt, we jumped at the chance.

As you have come to expect, I kept a running diary of our experience.

6:33 a.m. After spending the night at our grandmother's house so we can get the badges, we get up at this ungodly hour. However, we were told it's best to get to Augusta by 8 a.m. to get the best spots.

7:01 a.m. It should take about an hour to get to Augusta from here, even though we don't know where we're going. It's ok, we're told we can't miss the turn to Augusta.

7:20 a.m. Apparently we missed the turn as we're heading back towards Statesboro.

8 a.m. We pass though Beech Island, which is neither a beach or an island.

9:03 a.m. We finally get inside the gates to the course. Apparently the line is much shorter at 8 a.m.

9:45 a.m. After 45 minutes of wandering around the course, we set up camp at what we believe is the ninth hole. Due to the mud on the course, Official Brother has ruined a $50 pair of pants he got two weeks ago. Not good times.

10:10 a.m. Official Brother and I figure out the only way we have a chance to appear on SportsCenter is to get hit by a shot. While Official Brother says he doesn't want to get on TV that way, I wouldn't mind.

10:12 a.m. We're almost hit.

10:25 a.m. The crowd at all the holes around us seem to be getting all the excitement. We've apparently picked a bad hole to watch.

11:15 a.m. Someone directly across the fairway is hit by an errant shot. I'm strangely disappointed it wasn't me.

12:30 p.m. Due to the rain and mud, Augusta National smells like a petting zoo. Not exactly what I was expecting. CBS never mentioned this before.

1:50 p.m. After walking the course and getting lunch, we end up at the 18th tee box. About 15 yards away from us is a guy wearing a kilt. "Man, that guys serious about his golf," Official Brother observes.

2:20 p.m. We see Tiger Woods tee of at the 18th hole. He hits it into the woods. If I golfed, I'd hit it into the woods as well, so maybe I am Tiger Woods.

2:15 p.m. Despite being told otherwise, I don't feel like a "patron," but I feel like a fan.

2:50 p.m. The back of my Masters' badge says Masters spectators are among the most knowledgeable in the world.

3:20 p.m. To further illustrate the previous point, after more than five hours, Official Brother and I realize we were on hole two and not the ninth hole, despite having a map. Yep, we're among the most knowledgeable fans in the world.

4:15 p.m. It's getting late and we still haven't seen Scott Van Pelt. I'm beginning to think I may not see him. Also, we've yet to figure out why the Masters is a tradition unlike any other.

4:35 p.m. Stuart Appleby plays hits a shot near us. I've always wondered why he doesn't have a sponsorship deal with Applebee's restaurant.

4:40 p.m. The smell on the grounds goes from petting zoo to old soccer shoe. Seriously, would it kill CBS to mention this fact once or twice.

4:45 p.m. Two guys walk up behind us who are quite humorous. After one golfer hits it into the trees, they say he'll need Deep Woods Off to hit his next shot.

4:50 p.m. Two balls come into the crowd, one about five yards ahead of us and the other about 15 yards behind us. Still, it's our best chance to be on television.

6 p.m. After watching the leaders play, which included Woods, Phil Mickelson and other stars, we start making our way back to our car.

So after spending nine hours at the most famous golf course in the world, I smell like old soccer shoe, I didn't get on SportsCenter, Official Brother ruined a new pair of pants and I didn't get to see Scott Van Pelt.

Sadly, all my traditions end in that way. Perhaps the Masters isn't a tradition unlike any other after all.

Quick update . . .

Just a few things before tomorrow's Masters' recap. (I got to go to the Masters in Augusta on Saturday and as soon as my column runs in the Statesboro Herald, I'll post it here. They pay me to write, so they get it first.)

If the Cubs are going to lose when they only give up one run, it's going to be a long season.

Is there anything sweeter than the Red Sox getting their World Series rings on the same day the beat the Yankees?

It's already to hot to be walking any distance outside while wearing pants.

The Steel Rabbits went 5-8-4 in one league and 7-3-2 in the other (two different scoring systems account for the differances in scores).

If Yes Dear had to go out of town for a week, she picked a good one as I got the MLB Extra Innings package free for a week. It let me watch just about any baseball game I wanted to. Nothing beats falling asleep to west coast baseball.

For those wondering, Yes Dear was at a conference in Orlando for a week. And by conference, I mean a trip to Sea World and Disney World. We should all be so lucky to go to such "conferences."

I do plan on actually finishing my "100 things" at some point in the future, don't worry.

This is your last chance to jump aboard the Cubs bandwagon. We're pulling out of the station on Friday morning. Plenty of good seats still available.

On Deck: A running diary of my Masters experience, with Official Brother along as my sidekick.

Giving in to peer pressure

For quite some time, I've been resisting the "100 things about you" blog due to my belief that there aren't 100 things about me worth mentioning. However, as I'm sitting here tonight watching my Cubbies lose (again), I figured I'd better do that, because if I write about the Cubs right now, I'm liable to write something I'll regret ($100 million payroll and this is our bullpen?!?)

Anyway, without further delay, here's my first 50.

1. I'm already struggling with what to write.
2. My wife and I were born in the same hospital . . .
3. It was in New Jersey . . .
4. It's the same town that Jon Bon Jovi lived in.
5. We didn't meet until we came to college.
6. My wife, that is, not Bon Jovi.
7. I've never met Jon Bon Jovi, but I like his music.
8. I'm a huge sports fan.
9. This tends to be a problem as my wife is not.
10. I'm a long-suffering Cubs fan.
11. My wife is a new-suffering Cubs fan.
12. She only likes the Cubs because of Nomar Garciaparra.
13. I like Nomar because he can hit and his wife is hot.
14. I hope she doesn't read #13.
15. My wife, that is, not Nomar's wife.
16. I hope Nomar's wife does read #13.
17. I graduated from Georgia Southern university with a journalism degree.
18. None of my journalism professors ever mentioned the fact that journalism is the lowest-paying college degree.
19. That information would have been useful to know at the time.
20. I also graduated from Statesboro High School, where Georgia Southern is located.
21. I work 2 miles from my kindergarten classroom.
22. I haven't made it very far in life.
23. My last remaining goal in life is to see Fenway Park.
24. I need more goals in life.
25. I did see Wrigley Field already, which was my other goal.
26. I played soccer for 14 years growing up.
27. Soccer skills don't translate well into the real world.
28. Despite playing soccer for so long, I find the games boring to watch.
29. At one time I was a certified soccer official and coach.
30. I spend too much time watching TV.
31. #30 isn't my fault, it's the only way I could watch the Cubs.
32. I have an unhealthy obsession with Law & Order.
33. I don't exercise as much as I should.
34. My wife is a personal trainer.
35. She reminds me of #33 fairly often.
36. I hate "working out."
37. I'd much rather play a sport involving a ball of some kind.
38. I have two brothers and no sisters.
39. My mom was the only female figure in my life growing up.
40. She's a huge Green Bay Packers fan, as well as a Brett Favre fan.
41. She used a Vince Lombardi quote in her senior yearbook.
42. Is it any wonder I'm such a sports fan?
43. Dad ran a marathon once.
44. I drove 26.2 miles once.
45. I finished faster than dad did.
46. I have a huge crush on Jill Hennessy
47. #46 was really just an excuse to find a Jill Hennessy picture.
48. I own a Bradford College "Fighting Squirrels" hat.
49. Bradford College no longer exists.
50. I may change the name of my fantasy sports teams to the Fighting Squirrels.

There's a good chance my "100 things" stops at 50, but I'll try and finish out the next 50 sometime soon.

Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share

. . . well my woman left town with a brown-eyed man and I still don't seem to care.

I'm on my own little "Survivor" this week as Yes Dear has abandoned el Casa de Martin for a week, leaving me to try to live on my own. Due to my lack of cooking skills, I fully expect to be found dead on the kitchen floor with the refridgerator and freezer open. My last words: "I don't know how to cook any of it."

With her gone, I don't have anyone to bounce my ideas off of, so here they are:

How did Carlos Zambrano manage to get thrown out of a game he'd already been removed from? It's like leaving a restaurant without paying and then stealing the silverware on the way out.

Is it wrong that the passing of Mitch Hedberg was more tramatic for me than either Terri Schiavo or the Pope?

Could CBS manage to fit any more promos in their championship game last night? Jim Nantz would read a promo, Billy Packer would make a point about the game, and Nantz would try to incorporate that into the next promo.
Packer: "Jim, look at how Sean May moves to the basket."
Nantz: "Speaking of moving, Locusts are moving into the neighborhood, this weekend on CBS."
Packer: "Luther Head just got fouled and the ref's didn't call it, that's a crime."
Nantz: "Speaking of crime, be sure to check out CSI:Miami, only on CBS."

I'm not sure Nantz actually watched the game, he just read promos for upcoming shows.

Did anyone tape Desperate Housewives Sunday night? I missed it because I was watching the Sox and Yankees.

Should I be worried that I was entertained for 20 minutes by spinning a lid on my finger?

Has anyone had a faster fall from grace than Brittany Spears?

While the Pope's death saddened me, I was glad it knocked the Terri Schiavo coverage off the television.

Why is the Masters a tradition unlike any other?
(By the way, Official Brother and I will be at the Masters on Saturday, look for a running diary sometime next week.)

The beginnings of the Steel Rabbits

I've had the same name for my fantasy sports team for the past four years. That name? The Steel Rabbits.

What rabbits made of steel lack in ferociousness, they more than make up for in absurdity.

I'm often asked the origin's of such a team name and rather than try to explain it with some long, overblown answer, I'll just say that some things strike me as funny. This was one of those things.

Official Brother's first fantasy sports name was the Statesboro Lobsters. He's since chosen to showcase his creativity in such names as the Watersmeet Nimrods, the Anchorage Nimrods (they relocated after failing to get a new stadium deal) and this year's incarnation, the Random City Mascots.

Let's just say we're not the coldest beer in the fridge.

On Deck: A look at my two fantasy baseball teams, both named, yep, the Steel Rabbits