Snakes . . . on a Plane!

After months of hype, based almost exclusively on the title alone, “Snakes on a Plane” opened recently in theaters.

As one of the people who actually followed the hype from the beginning, I was actually looking forward to the movie with such a succinct title. After all, how could the movie go wrong? It had snakes. On a plane. What more could you need?

When I initially asked Yes Dear if she wanted to go see it, she looked at me as though I’d asked if she would mind if Catherine Zeta-Jones and I spent a romantic weekend together at a beach resort.

So when she (Yes Dear, not Zeta-Jones) went to Atlanta for the weekend, I knew it was probably my best chance to see the movie. Fortunately for me, Official Brother and some of his friends were going to see it Saturday afternoon, so I invited myself and a friend to go along with them.

After sitting though an inordinate amount of previews and commercials (is there anyone who would object to movie theaters publishing two times for each movie – the first for when the previews start and the second for when the actual movie starts? Anyone at all opposed to this?), the movie finally started.

It opens with a beach scene and the word “Snakes” on the screen for about three seconds, before they finally add “on a Plane.” It’s that kind of laughable suspense-building that made this movie perfect to go see with your friends to mock.

Of course, it’s your typical airplane movie. There’s the sudden loss of altitude that requires our heroes to pull up just in time to avoid crashing into the ocean. It’s got the overly dramatic dialogue in which Samuel L. Jackson says, “Let’s go get these people some air.” And, of course, it has the death of the pilots which means a passenger has to land the plane.

But in addition to those tried and true airplane movie staples, this movie had something extra. It had snakes.

Lots of snakes. And did I mention they were on the plane?

Fans flooded the Internet with comments about the movie that they actually got Samuel L. Jackson to reshoot some scenes to include one line that made the move.

But in an effort to keep this blog PG-13, I’ll paraphrase Jackson, who near the end of the movie says, “Enough is enough. I’ve had it with the motherfarking snakes on this motherfarking plane.” How could you go wrong with a movie that includes that line?

Overall, it was exactly what I was expecting when I went to see it. Come on, it’s not like there were going to be any surprises. There were going to be snakes and they were going to be on a plane.

That said, if you choose to wait and rent this when it comes out on DVD, I implore you to watch it with a group of friends. If you watch it by yourself, it’ll be boring. In fact, if you need someone to watch it with you, give me a call. I’d love to see it again.

Fantasy Update: Shakira’s hips may not lie, but her mouth has as she hasn’t called me back to set up our date. Granted, I don’t think she was talking to me when she said “. . . . yes . . . .” but if you’re going to say your hips don’t lie, I think the rest of you shouldn’t lie either. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels have continued their free-fall, going 6-8-2 in one league (but remaining in second place and clinching a playoff spot) while falling 5-9-1 in the other league to 3.5 games out of the playoffs.
Fantasy Corollary: I had the second of my two fantasy football drafts Sunday night. I wasn’t overly thrilled with my draft, but not totally disappointed either. I guess we’ll see how it goes this year.

Cubs Update: We still suck, getting swept by St. Louis over the weekend.
Twins Corollary: After naming the Twins my team to cheer for down the stretch, they took two of three games from the Wild Card leading White Sox and now have a 1/2 game lead in the Wild Card.

House update: Yes Dear wants to paint on Labor Day. I’d rather not, but then again, I’m ok not painting for a while. Odds are I’ll be painting. Also, we’re still working on getting grass in the yard. It’s coming along ok, but not great.

New Weekly Update update: On Family Guy, Peter Griffin got a local segment on the news in which he discussed “what really grinds my gears.” I like the idea of having a place to regularly complain on this blog, so I’m introducing a new update (it’s my blog, what are you going to do about it? . . . I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset. Please don’t stop reading. You’re a valued reader and I appreciate you wasting part of your week reading about my mundane life.) Anyway, I’m happy to add my new feature that was inspired by “Snakes on a Plane. “I’ve had it with these motherfarking _____ (in, on, other preposition) this motherfarking (noun.)

I’ve had it with the motherfarking ants in my motherfarking house: For some reason, we’ve had a lot of ants in our house since we bought it. We’ve fought the good fight with a can of Raid, but they’re still in the house.

Thanks for reading. In the words of Apu, “Thank you. Come again.”

Anyone for an update?

Hey everybody

(Hi Dr. Nick.)

I’ve unfortunately been busy the last few days and therefore, blogging fell by the wayside. Sadly, I’m still a little stressed, so it’s an update day here at the Nexus.

Fantasy Update: VH1 host Rachel Perry hasn’t left her job to become my personal assistant yet, but I’m still hoping this whole VH1 channel is a fad that will go under. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels rebounded to have a decent week in both leagues. I’m in second in one league and sixth (and final playoff spot) in the other. We’re getting close to the playoffs, so it’s almost go time.
Also, I was in the first of my two fantasy drafts Monday night. It was a 12-team league, making it slim pickings when it came to the end of the draft. Nevertheless, I’m pleased right now with my roster, but then again, everyone is at the end of the draft. We’ll see by week four how things are going for me.

Big Brother Update: Well, my favorite, Kayser, was voted out a few weeks ago, and now it appears as if James, the guy who wears the Georgia Southern stuff all the time, is likely heading out the door Thursday. That said, Dr. Will is playing a perfect game, keeping the target off him and yet backstabbing his alliances at just the perfect time.

Cubs update: We still suck.

General Baseball update: With the Cubs season all but over and injuries pretty much leaving only two guys on the team I’m excited about seeing play, I’ve started watching more and more games from teams in the playoff hunt. I’ve unofficially adopted the Minnesota Twins as my team to cheer for down the stretch.

House update: Two rooms painted (the kitchen and guest bathroom) and six more to go. The grass in our front yard still looks bad, and despite not doing anything to our back yard, the grass is coming in nicely.

Exercise Bike Update: My wife got an exercise bike, which should help my quest to lose weight. Now if I could just stay away from the candy here in the office, I’ll be good.

You must try this update: If you haven’t gone to Chic-Fil-A for one of their milkshakes yet, stop reading this and do it now. It’ll be worth every penny. I promise. (Warning: They are addictive. Don’t blame me if you can’t stop ordering them.)

Fark Update: I got my first greenlight (which means I submitted a link and it was accepted and posted on the site) last week. There are people who have been Fark members for years without a greenlight. Good times for me.

Next Post Update: Maybe Friday, maybe over the weekend. Maybe Monday. Let’s not commit to anything, we don’t want to be Scott.

Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.

Earl Hickey, why have you forsaken me?

No good deed goes unpunished.

I’ve tried to live my life by that biblical truth, and it’s served me well . . .

(Voice offstage): Uhhh, Luke, that’s not in the Bible.

Me: What do you mean? Of course it is. It’s right next to the verse that says “God helps those who help themselves.” I think it’s in Leviticus somewhere.

Offstage voice: No Luke, like most things, you’re also wrong on this. There’s nothing like either of those sayings in any religious text. You fail at religion.

Ok, so maybe the whole no good deed goes unpunished isn't religious but it is important. I have to believe in karma. Television’s great philosopher Earl Hickey broke down the complicated cosmic force into a simple rule: “Do good things, good things happen to you. Do bad things, bad things happen to you.”

It sounds simple enough. If I help carry groceries for the little old lady, she’ll let me feel up her hot granddaughter in the parking lot. Because I’m married, I don’t carry groceries out to the cars of little old ladies. I care about my wife, so I don't help old ladies. What could be more simple?

I wondering about this because it seems karma has somehow managed to have gotten lost on its way to visit me for my good deeds.

A little more than three years ago, a coworker was having troubles at his apartment complex and didn’t feel comfortable leaving his wife at home while he worked nights. Chief Bossman asked me if I would work some nights to help this guy out. Being the nice guy that I am (are you reading, karma?) I agreed to do it.

Well, this guy left several months later, so logic would tell you that I don’t have to work nights anymore. Unfortunately, logic and karma aren’t on the same page and it didn’t happen. Making matters worse, I somehow started working Friday nights, the anti-holy grail (would that be a secular plate?) of shifts to work.

While friends came into town to visit and hang out the night before Georgia Southern football games, I was stuck in an office working. Once football season ended, I managed to “only” have to work Wednesday and Thursday nights, but by that time Yes Dear and I were married and she (and I) were less than pleased about my work schedule.

Finally, around the beginning of the year, due to a series of staff changes and reassignments, I was not working nights for the first time in years. My job satisfaction levels dramatically increased.

In fact, I was riding high, enjoying my job (as much as you can for not being a professional athlete.)

Then came last Friday, when karma’s evil twin visited me.

After being told that I would more than likely not have to work Friday nights, I was looking forward to high school football season for the first time since I was in high school. If I wanted to go see my alma matter play, I could. If I wanted to drive around and throw eggs on all the cars of people who went to a game, I could. The world was my oyster and I was hungry.

Unfortunately, I got a bad batch of oysters and I’m now stuck working Friday nights again. No high school football games for me. No egg throwing mischeviousness for me. Instead it’s me, an empty office and a static-filled AM radio broadcast of a high school game that rivals the latest developments in the daytime soap opera Days of Our Lives in terms of how much I care about it.

So I ask you, Earl Hickey. Where’s mine? Where’s my piece of the pie? When does this karma thing kick in?

Answer me, Earl Hickey, or have you forsaken me?

(Note: This is in no way an indicment of my boss. I like my boss. When it comes to vices, he's my enabler. You see, I have this nasty habit of eating food. I do it two, three, sometimes four times a day. It's an addiction I can't break. He keeps me employed and thereby giving me the money I need when I need a fix. This post was a rant and nothing more.)

Fantasy Update: In sticking with our “My Name is Earl” theme, Jamie Pressley hasn’t ventured down to south Georgia to see how real trailer trash lives. For whatever reason, she hasn’t taken me up on my offer to let her stay with us while she researches the role. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels are going to have to go do some charity work to get karma to help us out as we’ve managed to drop faster than something that, if dropped, would drop quickly. We went 3-12-1 in one league to fall into second place and going 7-6-1 in the other to remain outside of the playoffs looking in.

Weekend update: Worked Saturday morning, it rained Saturday afternoon so I played video games (Grand Theft Auto III is great for relieving stress and frustration). Worked Sunday morning, cleaned the house Sunday afternoon and went with Yes Dear to First Night Out for Georgia Southern students Sunday night.

Big Brother Update: I missed Sunday’s show, so I don’t have a clue what happened. Hopefully I’ll find out soon.

Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.

22 things to make my life better

ESPN columnist Bill Simmons recently wrote a column with the 33 things he'd like to see done to make sports better. (Read it here, if you're so inclined.)

Never being one to turn down a good blog idea, I figured I'd come up with 22 things to make my life better. So here they are in no particular order.

1. Grass in my back yard (and in the front yard for that matter.)

2. A stretch where the Cubs go 25-5.

3. My fantasy teams to get back on track (more on that in the very belated Fantasy Update)

4. Losing 20 pounds.

5. A raise.

6. Time for and dedication to blogging.

7. Cooler weather (or somewhere in the shade to park my car.)

8. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Beyonce Knowles fighting in a vat of Jell-O for the right to go on a date with me (and really, there are no losers in that one.)

9. A wife who would accommodate number eight.

10. Actual writing talent.

11. Kayser back on Big Brother All-Stars

12. One of our neighbors to get a puppy and letting Yes Dear play with it all day long.

13. Alcohol served to every interview subject about 30 minutes before I start questioning them.

14. Bill O'Reilly off the air.

15. Keith Olberman back on SportsCenter.

16. Money for nothing and chicks for free.

17. I also want my MTV.

18. An extra role on any of the Law & Orders.

19. Tickets to see Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

20. A really good cheeseburger.

21. Spending a week on the Baseball Tonight set at ESPN.

22. Not having to work on Friday nights. (I hate high school football!)

Fantasy Update: I've been told I look like Paul from the Wonder Years, so I'd love the chance to date Danica McKellar, but she apparently doesn't date married guys from Georgia. At least, that's what I inferred from the restraining order. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels were reduced to shadowboxing chipmunk last week, losing 2-13-1 in one league and shrinking my lead to just 1.5 games while going 6-8-1 in the other league to fall out of the playoffs if the season ended today. Needless to say, we made some changes and hired Matt Foley to speak to the teams. I think it'll make a difference.

Big Brother Update: As noted above, Kayser, (America's favorite Muslim) was evicted from Big Brother tonight. He was my favorite and now I'm reduced to cheering against people for the rest of the show. I guess I'll cheer for James since he's a Georgia Southern grad.

Weekend plans: After spending the past two weekends painting, my plans for this weekend is to . . . not paint. I'll watch some baseball and do whatever comes up.

Leading today's college students astray update: I was asked to speak to a group of public relations students at Georgia Southern Friday and give them tips on how to write and other advice. I'm honored that they would pick the winner of the 2005 Georgia Press Association humor columnist in class (whatever classification we're in), but I can't help but think there is an entire communication arts department with people who have actually, you know, studied this stuff for a living. Maybe I'll point out to them that they need to take advantage of the abundance of intellectual resources they have on campus. Or not. I could go either way on this one.

Curing your Braves Blues

Note: The following appeared in the August 4 edition of the Statesboro Herald

Dear Braves Fans,

As we enter August, the Braves appear to be reaching the end of their run of consecutive division titles that stretches back to 1991. (For the sake of a better story, we'll pretend the Braves weren't six games behind the Montreal Expos when the 1994 strike happened. In fact, let's just say 1994 never happened.)

Because of that unprecedented string of success, there's an entire generation of Braves fans who don't know how to deal with an August and September of essentially meaningless baseball games.

Sure, there's still the hope of the Wild Card. And while the Braves are only a few games behind Cincinnati, there are eight teams between the Braves and the Reds. Yeah, there's hope, but there's also hope Katie Holmes will regain her sanity long enough to leave Tom Cruise, only to lose said sanity and fall madly in love with me. (And in the unlikely event the Braves do make the playoffs, I like my crow baked with a zesty lemon flavoring.)

As the Statesboro Herald's resident Cubs fan, I've experienced far more than my fair share of meaningless August and September games and in effort to help you though this troubling time, I'd like share my advice for surviving the dog days of summer with your team out of the race.

1. Turn your attention to your fantasy team. Now that you don't care how the Braves do, you can hope Carlos Beltran or Ryan Howard hit a three-run homer against Atlanta. Sure, it might lead to the Braves losing, but it would help the Fighting Squirrels (your fantasy team name may vary) make it into the playoffs.

Find the one guy in your league that still has hope for the Braves and loot and plunder their team by trading him all your Atlanta players. Don't feel bad about it. Your fantasy team is your top priority now. Next April, you can start to care more about the Braves than the Wal-Mart Low Prices (Why Wal-Mart Low Prices? Because nobody beats Wal-Mart's Low Prices.) For now, you are cold, calculating owner bent on world domination, or at least beating your friends in fantasy baseball.

2. Find a team to hate and send all your negative karma towards them. Call it the anti-Earl Hickey rule.

For me, I spend all my frustration over another disappointing season by rooting against the Yankees. (Even my anti-teams don't do what I want.)

For you, it could be the Mets, Cardinals, Phillies or the Cubs (although wishing more losses on the Cubs seems a bit like saying the ocean needs more water.)

Remember, your goal here is to make the rest of this season as miserable for as many people as possible. Your summer is ruined; so don't let anyone else enjoy it either. If that means your boss is a San Francisco Giants fan, you start staying up late to watch the west coast games and hoping the Dodgers get on a hot streak.

3.Learn your minor league players as the odds are you'll be seeing them soon. With so many young players on the Braves roster this year, the minor league cupboard may be little empty, but I'm sure there's someone in the minors who can inspire hope for next year.

More importantly, be sure to drop his name in Braves conversations before he gets called up so you can impress your friends.

4. Watch some games from teams you don't usually follow. Likely, this would be an American League team. Watch David Ortiz hit in the clutch or Ichiro's hitting stroke. You'll be glad you did.

5.Take some time and do all those things you always wanted to do. Go to the Falcons training camp and spend a few days watching practice. Take that martial arts class you keep talking about. Read that book you keep on your coffee table to make you appear more intelligent than you really are (or am I the only one who does that? Do you really think I've read the collective works of Bill Shakespeare?)

Fortunately, as Braves fans, you are already well versed in the most important facet of watching meaningless games in the summer. You're accustom to uttering the phrase "wait til next year."