I choo choo choose you

The following is expected to be in the April 29 edition of the Statesboro Herald

I don't know if you've heard, but there's this little thing known as the NFL Draft starting today.

According to all the sports media outlets, this draft's importance lies somewhere between Jackie Robinson breaking baseball's color barrier and Jesus Christ returning. ESPN has apparently decided to abandon all other sports news for the past four months in favor or reporting on this draft, which apparently will set the course of human events for the next 250 years.

Players are moving up and down draft boards because they ran the 40-yard dash a few hundredths of a second faster or slower than anticipated. I've been told the difference between a 4.38 time in the 40 and a 4.41 is significant. On a field that's 100 yards long, I'm not sure those .03 of a second are really going to make the difference between being a top-five selection and hoping Mel Kiper Jr. Draft Expert knows your name.

(And I haven't been able to get confirmation on this, but I believe Mel Kiper Jr. has legally changed his name to add "Draft Expert" at the end of his legal name. Every time he's introduced, he's called Mel Kiper Jr. Draft Expert.

On a related note, how does one become a "draft expert"? Is there a class? Is it like martial arts where you start out as "draft novice" and work your way up, making stops at "draft fan," "draft enthusiast," and "guy who knows a lot about the draft but isn't quite an expert yet." Someone needs to explain this before proclaiming himself as a "draft expert." I'd like to see some credentials.)

Fortunately ESPN has chosen to dedicate roughly 73 percent of it's air time to covering the draft, from reporting on how players did at the combine, what they scored on their Wonderlic Test and so many mock drafts that I'm thinking introducing myself as "Luke Martin, Mock Draft Expert" at parties. This way, I'll know all about players who may not make the team, but nothing about actual baseball games that count in the standings.

But all that is just the lead in to the orgy that is the actual NFL Draft. (Though, in true NFL fashion, it's technically the "NFL Annual Player Selection Meeting." I'd expect nothing less from a league that uses Roman numerals to designate its championship games.)

Beginning today at noon and for 27 hours over two days, teams will decide on a player, call a guy at a desk in New York whose only job is to write down the selection and hand it to a league official. Then, the commissioner (for the first round) or some flunky (for subsequent rounds) will read the name to a crowd of people who will boo the selection, no matter who it is.

I can't imagine anything more boring than sitting in whatever auditorium they're holding the draft and watching players’ names read off a card.

On second thought, I guess it could be worse. You could have to listen to Chris Berman, Michael Irvin and the aforementioned Draft Expert talk incessantly about a player's "upside" and "potential."

If I ever see one of them out in public, I would have to say there is huge potential that I would smack them upside their heads for subjecting us to the never-ending onslaught of draft coverage.

Making matters worse, teams are given 15 minutes between picks in the first round, meaning I could watch two baseball games and an NBA playoff game in the time it takes for all 32 picks in the opening round.

And for you draft fans that will feel a deep sense of sadness to the draft end Sunday night, don't worry. After you've forgotten all you learned preparing for this year's draft, another will be here to take its place next year.

Take me out to the ballgame

Tonight, my big plans include sitting on my couch and watching the Cubs take on the Florida Marlins.

Not much different than any other night, you say? Well, you’re partially correct. From April to October, I generally watch baseball, and specifically Cubs’ games, most every night (except when we’re watching American Idol – Catch the McPheever).

However, tonight will be different. Instead of causally watching the game while flipping though Sports Illustrated, I’ll be paying close attention to the outfield seats, focusing primarily on the centerfield bleachers.

For tonight, you see, a little piece of me dies. While I’m home on my couch watching the game, Yes Dear will be at the game, seeing the holy shrine of Cubdom that is Wrigley Field. I hope she bought a cardinal from a local pet shop to offer as a sacrifice at the alter of all things Cubs.

Yes Dear has spent the past few days in Chicago at a conference (yes, she goes to a lot of conferences; and no, I don’t know exactly what each of them are for. I just know I need to have the house somewhat clean when she gets back.). The first thing she said when she found out she was going to the conference was ‘are the Cubs in town that weekend?” As fate would have it, they were in St. Louis during the conference, so she actually had to attend all the different sessions rather than playing baseball hooky.

Fortunately for her, the Cubs did return home for tonight’s game against Florida. So she’s spending an extra day in the Windy City to take in the game.

She brought her camera and extra batteries, so when she gets back, I’m sure I’ll find a way to put some photos here for all to see. (The trick will be finding pictures without her in them since she somehow believes someone could use my blog to track her down. She obviously thinks I have more readers than I actually do and that those readers care enough to track her down.)

In a related note, I was at the Relay for Life Friday night when my preacher asked where Yes Dear was. When I told him she was in Chicago and she was going to go to a Cubs game, he said that must be my definition of Hell. I think he’s right.

Fantasy Update: With Yes Dear out of town, it would have been the perfect time to have a cup of coffee with Ali Landry. (Quick side note, what was A.C. Slater thinking when he cheated on Landry at his bachelor party. Dude, you’re Slater, you can’t do any better than Ali Landry. You’re a disgrace to men everywhere. He never struck me as particularly bright on “Saved by the Bell” and the fact that he cheated on the Doritos Girl only proves that fact.) Unfortunately, Landry’s publicist never returned my phone calls, so we’ve yet to meet. In other fantasy news, The Fighting Squirrels had a mixed week, going 11-3-2 in one league, good enough to stay in second place, and going 4-10-1 in another league, but still holding a four-game lead over second place.

(Note: It’s far to early to start planning Fighting Squirrel championship parades, but if we win, you’re all invited to the celebration.)

Weekend Update: With Yes Dear out of town and all our money being saved for our down payment on our new house (more on that later in the week), I was left to watch baseball and essentially scout players from my fantasy team I’d never seen play. Sadly, I wasn’t invited to the Great Blogger Summit held Sunday afternoon.

Car Update: We had to take Yes Dear’s car to the shop Thursday afternoon. Fortunately, it wasn’t anything serious and I’ll be able to eat this week.

Cubs Update: Despite losing two of three to St. Louis over the weekend, the Cubs are still 10-7 and only 2.5 games behind Houston in the National League Central.

Indians Update: Apparently I’ve cursed the Indians as well as they lost two of three to the lowly Kansas City Royals. Tribe fans, I forgot to mention I tend to curse the teams I cheer for. Sorry.

If you’re reading this and haven’t contributed to the Nexus of the Universe Fund to buy me a new flat screen television, you’re no better than a common thief. Thanks for nothing. Well, thanks for reading, but nothing else.

Tell me why

Note: Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee fractured his wrist Wednesday night. What follows is my open letter to the baseball gods.)

Dear baseball gods,

This is the first letter I’ve ever written to you, so I’m not sure if I should be writing to you or the baseball arch-angels. I apologize if this is out of the chain of command, but I have a few things I need to inform you of and felt this open letter was the best way to get in touch with you.

First of all, I’d like to say I think you’ve done a wonderful job with the game. When you gave man the inspiration to develop the game nearly 150 years ago, I doubt us mortals would have thought it would still be going strong. Despite our best efforts to ruin your great creation (racial segregation, steroids, playoff games ending after kids are sound asleep), you have blessed us with a game that has withstood the test of time.

Also, for the past four years, you’ve allowed us to marvel in Ichiro and Albert Pujols. I believe these two players are not human like me, but instead are Hurcules-type half-man, half-god creature roaming among us mortals to remind us of your power. Thank you for letting us witness their exploits.

Despite the wonderful things you’ve done with the game, I can’t help but notice you have a cruel sense of humor and enjoy toying with us humans in a way that makes Oedipus Rex look like Women of the Thesmophoria. How else are our simple minds expected to comprehend Bill Buckner, Steve Bartman or the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

This last point leads me to the thrust of my correspondence to you. You seem to take an inordinate amount of joy in pulling an Abu Gahrib on Chicago Cubs fans, torturing us until we can’t take any more. (Note to my earthly readers: Too soon for a torture joke?)

In a recent post on my blog, I compared being a Cubs fan to being in an abusive relationship. However, I may have merely been ignoring the most obvious fact of all, the baseball gods enjoy our suffering and keep coming up with new ways to add to our pain.

You sent the Cubs an amazing talent in Kerry Wood. We marveled at his ability to make hitters swing and miss. You even guided him to strike out 20 players in a game. And then you cursed his career with injuries. Then, in what looked like a gift from your alter, you sent us Mark Prior. We humans marveled at his talent and this time, you teased us even more by giving him perfect mechanics. And yet, he’s also hurt, including a line drive off the elbow that could only have happened because you enjoy our wailing.

But this year, with the golden boys out with injuries, we were playing well at the beginning of the year. The Cubs had yet to lose two games in a row and Derrek Lee was enjoying a good start after an amazing year last year.

But in your desire to continue our suffering, you deemed it necessary to have Lee break his wrist and miss two to three months.

So I’m here to beseech you; what do you want from us? What offering do you demand to lift this black cloud that hovers over this team. Is it beer? Descend to our planet and enjoy a game in the bleachers of Wrigley Field and taste your nectar. Is it devotion? My work suffered this week as I stayed up as late as possible to watch the Cubs play on the West Coast.

Please, baseball gods, I beg of you. Tell me what I can do to alleviate the pain and suffering. What sacrifices can we, as Cubs fans, make to appease you? Just please, ease our pain.

Tempted by the fruit of another

I don’t often go looking for temptation. It usually has a way of finding me without much trouble.

So that’s what makes my upcoming odessy so uncharacteristic of me.

I’m actively seeking out a partner to cheat on my significant other with.

And more importantly, Yes Dear is fine with this and has offered to help me look.

As I’ve mentioned before, my parents got me MLB Extra Innings for Christmas, which gives me access to 97 percent of all televised Major League baseball games this year, give or take a few.

Readers here at the Nexus know my long-time love affair with the Cubs. Granted, based on how they’ve played for the past 20 years, it’s more of an abusive relationship, They lose and lose and then, just when you think you’ve had enough, they go and make the playoffs and make you think everything’s going to be alright, so you give them a second chance.

Given all the choices of games to watch, I’ve found myself paralyzed at the thought of trying to decide whom to watch when the Cubs aren’t on. I’ve tried flipping between several games that have an impact on the Fighting Squirrels, but that leads to chaos and threats from Yes Dear to beat me to death with the remote control.

So I decided I needed a second team to cheer for. Someone I could watch when the Cubs weren’t on that would get me emotionally involved in the game. After all, if you’re not emotionally or financially invested, what’s the point of watching. And since I can’t afford to gamble, I’m left with becoming emotional involved in the games.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not looking to leave the Cubs. Far from it. Instead, I’m looking for a “Friend with benefits” that I can have a good time with that won’t interfere with my Cubs’ commitment.

To do this, I had to lay out some ground rules to narrow my search.

First of all, my second team has to be an American League team. I don’t want a team that will face the Cubs on a regular basis. By picking an American League team, the most I’ll see them is six times every three years in Interleague play. I can deal with that.

Second, the team has to be likable. I’m not cheering for the Yankees (and if you cheer for the Yankees, please take a few minutes to evaluate your life and determine if it’s really worth living if you’re going to be a New York fan. Seriously. I’ll wait.). In the same vein, I’m not rooting for the Red Sox either. They’ve got some wonderful media coverage in the past few years that portrays them as the plucky underdog against the Yankees, but Boston’s payroll is the second-highest in baseball.

Based on those two criteria, I’ve managed to narrow my choices down to two teams: The Cleveland Indians and the Oakland A’s.

Cleveland:

Positives: I’ve got three of their guys on my various fantasy teams. They’re a young team with likable, exciting players. Their announcers are pretty good and while they’re biased towards Cleveland, they’re not so much so that it gets annoying to listen to.

Negatives: Aside from the political incorrectness of their mascot, one of the biggest things going against the Indians is they’re located in the Eastern Time Zone, meaning most of their games will be played at around the same time as the Cubs games. What’s the point of having a second team if you can’t watch them?

Oakland:

Positives: Like Cleveland, they’ve got a lot of good, young players. I like their General Manager, Billy Beane. (You know you really like a sport when you have favorite team executives.) I haven’t seen many of their games yet, so I don’t know about their announcers.

Negatives: I have a job that generally likes when I show up on time, so can I stay up to 1 p.m. on a regular basis to watch their games that start at 10 p.m. Eastern time. The answer to this question is that I could do it, but by Thursday, I’d be falling asleep at my desk with all my stories including the following: “At Thursday’s meeting the city counjkl;aslllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll”

(Quick aside: I couldn’t imagine living on the West Coast and not having late-night sports as an option. Games are over by 10 p.m. on the West Coast and then what? Do people out there have better sleep habits because they can watch all the games and still be in bed by 11 p.m.? What do you do when you can’t sleep? This fascinates me.)

So who am I going with? Well, objectively, I should probably take Oakland. I could watch them more often and could get into their games without having to flip to their games only during the commercials.

But my heart tells me to go with the Tribe. So when the Cubs aren’t on, go Indians.

Fantasy update: If Catherine Zeta-Jones is the patron saint of the Fantasy update, Jill Hennessy is the chief priestess. She still hasn’t taken a leave of absence from her show to come to Statesboro for my interview request. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels are off to a blistering start, winning one league 15-0 and the other 11-4-1. Both teams are in first place after two weeks, which means the only place to go from here is down.

Cubs Update: The Cubs are 7-4 right now and only one-half game out of first. Kerry Wood should be coming back in the next month, as should Mark Prior. If they continue to play as well as they have when Wood and Prior get back, the Cubs could be really good this year.

Weekend Update: Yes Dear and I took wallpaper down on Saturday. About two-thirds of the way though the process, I told Yes Dear we’d never have wallpaper in another home we own. She agreed..

House Update: We’re about six weeks from moving into our new house. The exterior is all done, including the driveway. Now all we need is stuff like carpet, plumbing, sinks, counters.

Thanks for reading. Now get back to work.

The good, the bad, and the ugly of the Masters

Note: The following column appeared in the Thursday, April 13 edition of the Statesboro Herald.

I try to live my life by a code of ethics and rules to guide me though life. Rule number 32 is "If I attend the Masters after not writing a column for eight months, I write a column about my experience."

And since I was in Augusta for the golf tournament last weekend and haven't written a column since last July, I'm obligated to recap my time there. (By the way, rule seven is "Never sell your car for gas money.")

Instead of my typical "running diary" style to document my two days (Friday and Saturday) at Augusta National, I'm going with a new format.

The Good

By attending on Friday, we were able to see everyone playing the tournament, as opposed to seeing only those who made the cut. That means Official Brother and I got to see golf everyman John Daly before he faded into oblivion by failing to make the cut.

Also, we got to see David Duval play. Other than the fact that he was once the world's top player, the only reason this resonated with me is because I have a friend with the same name.

Another "good" from the trip was we knew what hole we were on. Last year, Official Brother and I spent most of the day thinking we were at the ninth hole when, in fact, we were at the second. (Needless to say, we are not what you would call "golf enthusiasts.")

On Friday, we sat at the ninth hole, thus completing the circle of life.

And for the second year in a row, we were complimented on our seat selection. Last year, two guys came up behind us and mentioned what a great spot we had to watch the players. This year, on Saturday, we sat at the sixth hole and also had a great view of the 16th green. Several people said we'd picked a good place to see a lot of action.

We may not know much about golf, but apparently Official Brother and I have a knack for picking good seats.

The Bad

Despite having great seats on Saturday, we didn't get to enjoy them much due to the rain that moved through the area. It's like having Catherine Zeta-Jones agree to go on a date with you, but then having to leave midway though the appetizers because she's feeling sick. (More on this later - the rain, not a date with Catherine Zeta-Jones.)

Also making the bad list is the fact that I don't know anyone in Augusta and therefore had to wake up before God to get there early enough to snag good seats.

I can assure you that waking up at 5 a.m. on Friday to drive to the course was not the highlight of my week. Making matters worse, on Saturday they didn't let anyone in until 9 a.m., a full hour after they normally open the gates. So we had to sit in the parking lot for 90 minutes instead of catching up on some much-needed slumber.

And perhaps the worst thing to happen during my time in Augusta, for the second year in a row, I didn't achieve my quest to meet ESPN announcer Scott Van Pelt. Some people want to cure cancer or travel to all 50 states in their lifetime. Not me, I'm hoping to meet a television personality at a golf tournament. (Note: His brother is shown on the left.)

And for some reason, some people think my priorities are out of whack.

The Ugly

As I mentioned earlier, it rained on Saturday. We knew it was going to rain. All the weather reports said water falling from the sky was a near certainty.

So did Official Brother and I bring an umbrella? Nope. Not only that, but we didn't even think to bring one. Thousands of people walking into the course with umbrellas and all I had was a windbreaker.

The lesson, as always — I'm an idiot.

Also making the list is golfer Tim Herron. Not so much for his play (he finished tied for 36th place), but for the fact that he was smoking a cigarette while playing.

Can you imagine LeBron James running down the court smoking or Michael Vick in the huddle with a cigar sticking out of his helmet? Golf truly is a strange game.

Speaking of athletes, the true athletes at the Masters are the caddies. Official Brother and I decided against walking the entire course in one day due to fatigue (granted, we're miserably out of shape), but the caddies had to walk more than four miles lugging their golfers clubs up and down the very hilly course for four days.

Those poor guys get no credit for the work they do. Not that any of them will read this, but a tip of the hat from me to them for their hard work.

Working for the weekend

Due to the fact that what I would normally put here will be published in the paper on Thursday, you'll have to wait until then to read it. However, that doesn't mean it's not update time.

Weekend update: Went to The Masters on Friday and Saturday (more on that Thursday). Sunday, Yes Dear got back from her weeklong conference in Kentucky. Fortunately, we had enough food in the house that I knew how to cook that I didn't die. Once again, my survival skills will be put to the test in 10 days when Yes Dear goes to Chicago for five days. If you don't hear from me, call the police to make sure I didn't die.

Cubs update: Despite losing today, the Cubs are 4-2 on the early season. If (and it's a big IF,) they can stay in the race for the first month to month-and-a-half, the Cubs pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior can get healthy and they could compete. So far Derrek Lee has picked up right where he left off last year, Matt Murton and Ronny Cedeno are playing well and everyone not named Glendon Rusch is pitching well. So far, so good.

Fantasy update: The patron saint of the Fantasy Update, Catherine Zeta-Jones has yet to find a reason to call me. Maybe I need to libel her in my column so her lawyers can call me and we can set up a meeting. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels had a good week, winning 9-6-1 in one league and 9-5-1 in another. (For the dedicated readers, you may notice I only reported on two leagues. The third league is a bit more complex in terms of scoring, and it's a season-long race. Add to that I'm basically playing for next year and you'll understand why I don't regularly update that league.)

Weight-loss update: After losing 14 pounds (mostly due to the fact that Yes Dear was working 70-80 hours a week for two weeks and, therefore, not cooking, I'd lost 14 pounds. Sadly, I've gained four of those back, but I'm still down 10 pounds from late February.

Thanks for reading. See you Thursday. Pass this on to 10 people to increase my hit counter by 10.

Pretty Woman

I have a confession to make. I know that by admitting it, I'll become the outcast of the civilized world and will be ruthlessly mocked for what I'm about to write, but I can't help it.

I like NBC's "Deal or No Deal."

Typically I like my game shows to require a modicum of mental dexterity. I'm usually pretty good at single Jeopardy, I think I could get to at least the $125,000 level on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" wouldn't be the first person voted off of "Weakest Link."

But unfortunately, Deal or No Deal doesn't require any kind of intellegence beyond the ability to speak and recognize numbers one through 26.

If you haven't seen the game, here's a quick primer. There are 26 cases filled with dollar amounts ranging from one penny to one million dollars (enough to pay off Dr. Evil should the situation arise.) At the beginning, you pick one case to be yours (you don't know the amount inside the case.) Then, you pick a series of cases and knock those totals off the board. Intermitently, the mythical "banker" (really just a guy in a room who looks important. The fact that someone gets paid to be the "banker" is perhaps the greatest example of American gluttony in our society, but I digress.) offers to buy your case based on the totals remaining.

There's some probablity calculations needed to make the best decision possible, but basically you stand there and pick numbers. That's the game. (It makes "Press Your Luck" look like the test to get into Mensa.)

What I've failed to mention thus far is that the cases are tended to by models, all of whom are very attractive ladies. (This, friends, is known as appealing to a target demographic. In this case, it's males between the ages of 10 and dead.)

So how does the fact that models are standing next to the cases play into any possible strategy for the game? It's simple.

There should be two simple plans of attack when it comes to picking your cases:

1. Pick the numbers of the least attractive models first and continue accordingly so that only the prettiest girls remain as you go through the game.

The thinking here is that if you're going to be playing a game of chance, you might as well have the most attractive women possible still around. Sure, you have about as good a chance of actually impressing any of the ladies to the point that they'll remember your name, but on the plus side, every male watching the show will appreciate you looking out for them.

2. Pick the numbers of the most attractive women first and continue so that in the end, only the least pretty (and by no means are any of them ugly) remain.

The reasoning behind this plan is that the producers will know that guys like to look at pretty girls and would opt to keep them around as long as possible. By placing the higher values in the cases of the less pretty women, who would likely be picked first and then ushered off the stage, the producers would be betting you would pick them first and knock out lower your chances of a big pay day.

And that, my friends, is my strategy of playing "Deal or No Deal."

NCAA Brackets update: I finished either first or second in every bracket I participated in this year (ranging from four people to a dozen or more.) I'd like to tell you I had a foolproof plan that ensured my high ranking, but basically the brackets were so screwy that I think I lucked into my position. Either way, I'll bask in the glow of knowing I can pick random NCAA basketball games better than most of my friends.

Cubs update: As of 10 p.m. Tuesday night, the Cubs are 1-0 and on pace for an undefeated season. Call me crazy, but I don't think they're going to go 162-0 this year.

Random Cubs note: I was reading the Cubs messageboard today when I came across a few postings by the Cubs announcer, Len Kasper. The fact that he's willing to associate with the "little people" says a lot about him. I knew I liked Kasper for a reason.

Weekend plans: I know it's a little early for weekend plans, but I'm going to the Masters on Friday and Saturday. Now I follow golf about as much as I follow the East African politial situation, but when you get a chance to go to the Masters, you take it. If I had the chance to see a Puccini opera at Carnegie Hall, I'd go to that as well, despite the fact I can name one opera. (La Boheme, but I did have to Google the spelling.)

Fantasy update: The Fighting Squirrels are off and racing (errr. . . fighting), I'm expecting decent things from the squads this year. (Check back next week for the first fantasy girl of the new season.)

As always, thanks for reading. Tell your friends and have them tell their friends.