I Hate Everything About You

I never thought it would happen, so I wasn't exactly sure how I'd feel, but now that B*rry B*nds has passed Babe Ruth for second place on baseball's all-time homerun list, I can say I'm genuinely angry.

First of all, Bonds has cheated the game I love so much. Baseball was the first sport I ever remember watching with my dad, despite the fact that he was a bigger basketball fan at the time. In the fall of 1986, he let me stay up to watch the Boston Red Sox and New York Mets in the World Series, even though any sane parent would have told their seven-year old son it was too late and he needed to go to bed. While other kids were reading about dinosaurs and big trucks, I'd always get the baseball biographys at the library, learning to read on the history of Willie Mays, Jackie Robinson, Joe DiMaggio and Babe Ruth.

When Black History Month would roll around in school and we had to do a report on famous African-Americans, I would always pick Jackie Robinson. For Georgia History, while other students were picking Jimmy Carter or some other famous Georgian (and the fact that I can't think of one right now is not a ringing endorsement of the Georgia public school system), I was doing reports on the Georgia Peach, Ty Cobb.

Heck, when I was seven or eight, my mom told me to pick out wall paper for my room that I'd like 10 years later. I picked the wall paper with the logos of all the baseball teams on it for my room. Even though some of the logos had changed and there were new teams added, when I graduated high school, I still liked the wall paper I'd chosen a decade earlier.

When the players went out on strike in 1994, I swore I'd never go to another game again, but that was a bold-faced lie. It was too late by then. The game was in my blood. Sure, I was upset with the players for taking the World Series from me that year and basically forcing the executives at SportsCenter to fill an hour-episode with golf highlights and NASCAR, but deep down, I knew I'd be back. I can't help it.

I remember the first time I'd ever cried over a sporting event, in 1998 when the Cubs made their improbable run to the playoffs only to get swept by Atlanta. (Looking back, that was the year Sammy Sosa hit 66 home runs and I believe now he was juicing. But at the time, I didn't think twice about it. People far more intellegent than myself - which includes all of you reading - never suggested there was anything unnatural about Sosa, so why should I?)

In 2003, Yes Dear all but forced me to go to the Cubs/Braves playoff game in Atlanta, even though we couldn't afford it at the time. She knew how much the Cubs (and baseball) meant to me and she was going to make sure I had a chance to see the Cubs in the playoffs.

All this brings me back to B*nds. Today (well, by the time I finish this post it will be yesterday, but let's not argue semantics here), B*nds moved into second place in the greatest sports statistic in America. Ask a basketball fan how many points the second all-time leading scorer has and you'll likely get a blank stare. Ask a baseball fan what the number 714 means and immediatly they could tell you it was Babe Ruth's home run total.

Baseball stats mean something to people. They connect generations. Fathers and sons arguing whether Tom Seaver or Greg Maddux was a better pitcher, each finding the numbers to back up their position.

But now, B*nds has tainted that. Every player playing now is under suspicion of steriod use, even if there is no evidence to indicate he's using. Albert Pujols is in the midst of one of the best seasons baseball has ever seen, but in every conversation, someone utters the "yeah, but is he using?" question. Nevermind the fact that his body hasn't changed since he entered the league five years ago, that doesn't matter. What maters is that he's playing at the same time as B*nds (and Giambi and others) who have used steriods.

(And please don't give me the "well, B*rry's never tested positive so that proves he's clean. I've never been cited for speeding, but that doesn't mean I haven't - (Note to any law enforcement officers reading this, the previous "admission of guilt" is purely hypothetical.))

As expected, the fans in San Francisco cheered their hero. But around the rest of the country, we see B*nds for what he is, a cheater who has stolen a part of the game from the fans.

Even Yes Dear, who only became baseball fan in the last two years, is upset that B*nds passed Ruth. For the past three weeks, she's been yelling at the television to have the pitchers throw at B*nds head so he couldn't break Ruth's mark. I have to admit, I'm proud of her for trying to protect the sanctity of the game.

And yes, we'll move on to the next big controversy and finally get past B*rry B*nds soon, but one day in the future, my son is going to ask me about B*nds, and I'm going to have to explain to a little boy of seven years old why a man with immense natural talent felt the need to steal my childhood innocence by using performance enhancing drugs.

On Deck: I promise I'll get to the game that you and your significant other will play for hours on end, but the whole Barry Bonds thing was on my mind. Hope you had/have a great Memorial Day. Thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday to You

I’m always late when it comes to trends. Just last week I learned the Macarena and I can’t stop. No wonder that craze swept the nation in 1996. Sadly, no one wants to do it now.

And speaking of being late with trends, apparently the latest blog trend is to enter your birthday into wikipedia and see what has happened on your birthday throughout history. Not that you were wondering what has happened on January 23, but in the off chance that you were, here you go.

Events:
1556 – The deadliest earthquake in the history of the world strikes the Shaanxi province in China, killing approximately 830,000 people. (We’re not off to a good start for this day.)

1570 – The assassination of James Stewart, 1st Earl of Moray throws Scotland into civil war. (Natural disaster and war, things need to get better quickly.)

1719 – The principality of Liechtenstein is created. (Now we’re talking. I like to think this moment was the beginning of the end of the Holy Roman Empire.)

1789 – Georgetown College becomes the first Catholic college in the United States (John Thompson was hired as basketball coach two years later.)

1849 – Elizabeth Blackwell is awarded her M.D. by the Medical Institute of Geneva, New York, becoming the first woman doctor in the United States. (China could have used her 300 years before this.)

1870 – U.S. cavalrymen kill 173 Native Americans, mostly women and children, in the Marias Massacre (Natural disaster, war, and human atrocities. The circle of death is complete.)

1904 – The Norwegian coastal town of Alesund is devastated by fire, leaving 10,000 people homeless. (Seriously, this is depressing me at this point.)

1941 – The Allies defeat Japan in Papua, which marks the turning point of the Pacific War and the end of Japanese aggression. (Did anything not involving death happen on January 23?)

1964 – The 24th Amendment is ratified. It prohibits poll taxes in national elections, but you knew that already.

1985 – O.J. Simpson becomes the first Heisman Trophy winner elected to the Football Hall of Fame. (And we all know how well O.J. turned out.)

1997 – Madeleine Albright becomes the first woman to serve as the United States Secretary of State.

Births:
1737 – John Hancock, American revolutionist. (Before him, people just put their signatures on documents.)

1857 – Andrija Mohorovic, Croatian seismologist (I just included him because I was unaware there were seismologists in Croatia.)

1915 – Potter Stewart, U.S. Supreme Court Justice

1950 – Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver was born on my birthday. I’d hate to think how he escaped his mother’s womb.)

1964 – Mariska Hargitay, (A Law & Order: SVU star born on my birthday.)

1974 – Tiffani (Amber) Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski and I share a birthday.)

1985 - Doutzen Kroes (who might that be, you ask? Only a Dutch supermodel, which creates the perfect excuse to add her photo.)

Deaths:
1002 - Otto III, Holy Roman Emperor (I blame him for failing to give Liechtenstein its freedom earlier.)

1803 – Arthur Guinness (Yes, that Guinness.)

1937 – Orso Mario Corbino (yes, that Italian physicist.)

2005 – Johnny Carson

Weekend update: Friday afternoon, Yes Dear called and said she (and I) had forgotten that we’d agreed to design the set for the children’s play at church Sunday night. So when she got home, we went to work finding what we needed. We did as much as we could Friday night before going out to dinner. Saturday, I covered the March of Dimes and then we went back to finish setting up for the play. Saturday night we watched the Preakness (Sweetnorthernsaint, my horse, finished second) and then some friends were in town, so we went out to dinner. Sunday was (and is, until further notice) reserved for watching baseball.

Fantasy Update: Due to the poor performance of the Fighting Squirrels last week, I’ve asked Elizabeth Hurley if she wouldn’t mind coming to console me. Sadly, she hasn’t taken me up on my offer, which I desperately need after last week. The Squirrels (we didn’t put up much of a fight) went 5-10-1 in one league, dropping me to second place and going 4-9-2 to fall to fourth place in the other league. Needless to say, this is unacceptable.

House Update: With only nine days until we’re scheduled to close, we still don’t have carpet or tile, not to mention sinks and, (most importantly to me) a cable outlet in our den, which we now refer to as the “sports room” since that’s where I’ll be watching all my sporting events. It’s also the only room I’m allowed to decorate. Hopefully it’ll get done in time.

Cubs Update: Despite losing two of three to the White Sox, all anyone wanted to talk about was the collision between Cubs catcher Michael Barrett and White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski in which Barrett punched Pierzynski, leading to a bench-clearing brawl. After the collision in which Pierzynski ran over Barrett (cleanly, I need to stress), Barrett saw A.J. coming at him. Barrett bear-hugged him and then punched him in the face (which, by the way, is the official conflict resolution approach endorsed by Official Brother.) It turns out A.J. was going to get his helmet and Barrett overreacted. He’ll be suspended (rightfully) for about 10 games, I would guess and the Cubs continued season of frustration will continue.

American Idol Update: Well, we’re down to the final two. Katherine or Taylor. I’ve been disappointed each of the last two weeks as Chris and Elliot have been voted off. That said, I’m hoping Katherine wins, simply because she’s hot. I don’t think either of them has near the talent the past winners have had.

On Deck: A game you and your friends or significant other will be playing all weekend.

It’s Monday night, Put on the Barry White, break out your “Great Earthquakes throughout history” book, place your American Idol bets with your sweetie, discuss the rules of bench clearing brawls and when it’s time to make your move and she says she’s still broken up over the death of Orso Mario Corbino, it ain’t Barry White’s fault.

The three people you meet for dinner

Suppose you could invite any three people in the world to join you for dinner. Who would those three people be and why? (I was going to say which four people, but I got lazy, sorry.)

When considering who I’d want to invite to dinner, there are several considerations to take into account. Obviously you’re not going to want to invite people who don’t get along. I don’t want to invite Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer and have my nice dinner turn into a debate about psychiatric care.

This would be my one chance to get three other people in a room to discuss all the things I’m interested in (and if you’ve been reading for a while, you know that basically boils down to sports, courtroom dramas and pretty girls.) With that in mind, here are the three people I’m inviting, and why.

Bill Simmons: ESPN.com columnist and pop culture guru is the cornerstone of my little get together. Able to speak semi-intelligently about issues ranging from Survivor to the importance of middle relief in today’s baseball. (Granted, ever since the Boston Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, he’s written considerably less about baseball, much to the disappointment of die-hard Simmons fans at the Sons of the Sports Guy website.

Despite that, Simmons seems like an incredibly down to earth guy who could carry on conversations about anything and everything and still make them funny and interesting is why I want him on board. Plus, if we became friends, he could start including the phrase “my buddy Luke” in his columns. Then I could garner some sort of cult following where deranged Sports Guy fans camp outside my house in the hopes of catching a glimpse of me. But I’d treat them like dirt and call the police on them because I’m a petty person who wouldn’t have time for the little people.

Erik Kuselias: Host of the Sports Bash on ESPN Radio (Monday – Friday, 4-7 p.m. Eastern), this former lawyer has one of the most entertaining radio shows on the air today. Insightful, humorous, and usually thought provoking, Kuselias’ show is the number one reason I get very little work done during the latter part of my day.

Featured in this USA Today article (second story down) Kuselias has said Simmons is one of his favorite columnists, so there’s no reason to worry they wouldn’t get along. Add to that the fact that Simmons filled in for three days on Kuselias’ show last year (he’s a much better writer than radio host), and you’ve got a solid start to our fun little party.

(And I forgot to mention that he ends his radio show every night encouraging his listeners to break out the wine, put on the Barry White. When it’s time to make your move and she brushes you back like a Roger Clemens fastball, it ain’t Barry White’s fault.)

George Will: Given my utter lack of discussion of politics on this site and the fact that I am neither a conservative nor a liberal, some might find it odd that I would want to invite noted conservative columnist George Will to the party. However, people seem to forget that Will is a huge baseball fan, even writing the book “Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball.” He also played a prominent role in the Ken Burns documentary “Baseball” which aired about a decade ago.

Sure, it’s a risk to invite someone with Will’s political background and knowledge to a party, but I’m hoping everyone follows the “don’t talk about religion and politics in polite company” rule. Besides, once Will and Simmons start debating the minutia of baseball, I’m feeling pretty good that I could sit back and soak up their knowledge of the game.

Weekend plans: I’ve got to work Saturday morning, covering the WalkAmerica March of Dimes (shouldn’t they be marching for quarters, or better yet, C-Notes? They’d raise more money that way.) Other than that, it’s probably a lot of packing and getting ready for the big move. We may go see The DaVinci Code at some point this weekend.

Minion Update: I’ve got a minion, but since I never actually thought I’d get one, I’ve got nothing for her to do. She is cleaning my desk at work this weekend, which is nice, but other than that, I’ve got nothing. Feel free to send any ideas I could make this 10-year-old do that won’t permanently scar her for life and that her mother (my co-worker) will let her do.

Cubs Update: We finally got Kerry Wood back yesterday. He pitched five innings, gave up four runs and the Cubs lost 5-3. We’re . . . uhhh . . . we’re not very good.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard update: Politician on lobbyists: "The baby Jesus accepted gifts, and I don't think it corrupted him." From here.

It’s Friday night, put on the Barry White albums, break out the George Will columns, devise plans for your minion with your sweetie while watching the Cubs lose. And when it’s time to make your move and she gives you the “I’ve got to get up early for the March of Dimes” line, remember, it ain’t Barry White’s fault.

What's the matter with Chicago

Yes, that is a paraphrase of the book “What’s the matter with Kansas?” I haven’t read the book, but I wanted to show I’m not all about sports, despite this being a sports post.

One of my coworkers has a Volkswagan Jetta. It’s been trouble for her from the beginning. While there never seems to be anything seriously wrong with it, there’s always something wrong with her car to the point she’s ready to take a baseball bat to it and unleash some pent up frustration on her car.

One day the air conditioner may not work. Other times, something else isn’t working. Again, it’s never something so big that you can justify getting rid of it, but there’s always something going wrong.

Her car reminds me of the Cubs this season. They never seem to do one big thing to lose games (and they’ve lost 14 of their last 16 games as of today), but a series of little things contribute to this impressive display of ineptitude. They’ve been shut out five times in the past 15 games. Not good times.

In fact, things were so bad that last week, and ESPN.com columnist said that the Cubs were playing so poorly that they couldn’t even make good outs anymore.

It’s really frustrating watching a team make mistake after mistake of easily correctable things. Hit the cutoff man. Bunt the runner to third base. Don’t throw a fastball right down broadway to the other team’s best hitter.

I have no problem with physical errors. Those can be corrected. But we’re talking about mental errors that high school teams don’t make.

And I hear all the time that teams aren’t as bad as they seem when things are going poorly (just as they aren’t as good as they seem when things are going well,) but it’s just painful to watch the Cubs right now. (Even more so than usual.)

One of the ESPN writers was asked to talk Cubs fans off the ledge and the best answer Buster Olney could come up with is that the sun will come up tomorrow. It’s not time to throw in the towel quite yet, but the Cubs corner man has it in his hand just in case things get out of hand.

I guess the good news is the Cubs are off today, so we’re not going to lose.

Fantasy Update: Shania Twain hasn’t decided to take me up on my offer . . . I got nothing here, enjoy the Shania Twain photo while I describe the luck of the Fighting Squirrels. We had another mixed week, going 15-1 in one league to take over first place by half a game while going 3-11-1 in my other league to fall to third place. (Despite going 3-11-1, I would have defeated most other teams had I gone against them head-to-head, so I was encouraged, despite the loss. Over the course of the season, the statistics should catch up with chance and I’ll be ok.

Weekend Update: Friday night after work, Yes Dear and I went to a cookout with some friends. Saturday we went to Savannah to meet Yes Dear’s parents for lunch (an early Mother’s Day celebration) followed by furniture shopping. Yes, that makes two weekends in a row that I’ve gone furniture shopping (and two Mondays in a row that I’ve written about it. It’s amazing I still have readers with such riveting prose.) Fortunately, we found something we liked, so the next time I go furniture shopping, you’ll have long since stopped reading this. That night we went to dinner with my mom for Mother’s Day (we’re don’t need Hallmark to tell us when to celebrate.)

House update: Still scheduled for closing at the end of the month. My boss agreed to let me off early so I could actually go and sign the papers. Hopefully it’ll be done in time.

Minion update: A coworker’s daughter has agreed to be my minion. She’s eight, nine, or 10 years old (they keep aging, so I can’t keep track.) Anyway, while I was out of the office this weekend, she apparently drew up a contract for me to sign. Among the provisions of the contract are: (My responsibilities) – “I will take care of her/him,” and “I will do my best to be as evil as possible.” (Her responsibilities) – “I promise to be a good minion,” and “I will do my best to please my master.” (Apparently her mother’s ok with her daughter being a minion.)

On Deck: If I could have dinner with four people, who would they be?

Vote for the Nexus of the Universe. It's not a shrimp, but it likes to eat them.

13 things to do in 13 months

Note: This column originally appeared in the May 11 edition of the Statesboro Herald.

My 10-year high school reunion is coming up in 13 months. In order to not be a total embarrassment, I decided I need to set 13 goals to achieve so I don't get jeered at my own reunion.

1. I need to win a prestigious award. Not something like third place for humor writing in 2005 for the smallest daily newspaper classification in the state in which (and I'm guessing here) only three people entered. No, I need to win something really big. Like a Pulitzer. Or Employee of the Month.

2. I need to write the great American novel. Actually, I really just need to start it so when people ask what I'm doing now, I can say I'm working on a book. Now all I need are characters, a plot and hours a day to devote to writing a best-selling novel. (Maybe I can just say I'm writing a book and stick to writing columns.)

3. I probably need to get in shape. And while "round" is a shape, it's probably not the one I should strive for. Fortunately, Yes Dear is a personal trainer, so I should be able to actually achieve this one.

4. Appear on either Law & Order or Baseball Tonight. As I'm neither an actor nor an athlete, I'm not feeling good about this. However, an acquaintance of mine was on Baseball Tonight by making a catch in the stands, so there's hope for me yet.

5. Not get fired. Granted, this has nothing to do with my reunion, but it is a goal of mine each day.

6. I need to travel the world. And by "world," I mean baseball stadiums along the East coast.
(Note: Official Brother and I intend to spend 10 days driving from Atlanta to Baltimore/Washington D.C. and then on to Philadelphia, New York and Boston next summer, visiting baseball stadiums in each city (and two in New York.) Should be a good time.

7. I want to be mentioned on Comedy Central's The Colbert Report. My best shot at this is to be featured in Colbert's "Who's Attacking Me Now?" segment. In an effort to garner his wrath, I present the following paragraph.

Colbert's brand of truthiness is a greater threat to this nation than bears, which he claims are Godless killing machines. One million bears set loose in the streets of New York City wouldn't do near the damage that Colbert inflicts with his nightly pronouncements.

(Please note, I think Colbert is a gifted satirist and don't actually believe he's a greater threat than bears. In fact, I've come to the same conclusion he has, that the bear agenda is destroying our country.)

8. I need to have a minion. If anyone's willing to cater to my every whim for little pay and no recognition, please email me. It's only a temporary job and after my reunion, you'll be summarily fired and given a poor review.

(Note: I have a coworker who volunteered her daughter to serve as my minion. This is the one I thought I'd have the most trouble with.)

9. I also need a haircut. Probably more than one. (It's always nice to sprinkle your list of goals with something easily attainable to keep you motivated.)

10. I'd like to be recognized on the street by a stranger just once without the person saying "you're that guy who writes for the paper, aren't you? You suck!"

(Note: In the version published in the Herald, I changed that last sentence to "Learn to write!" It's one of the drawbacks to writing for a small-town paper. I didn't think it made a huge difference to the column and didn't feel the need to fight for its inclusion.

11. I should probably win one of my fantasy baseball or fantasy football leagues. Ideally someone will ask me "What have you been doing with yourself?" and I can say that I've devoted my spare time to winning fantasy sports leagues. Saying I've dedicated my free time to fantasy sports without a championship would make me sound like a loser.

12. Despite columns I've written to the contrary, I would like to serve on a jury. If that doesn't work out, I wouldn't mind being called as a witness for some trial. In other words, I want to be involved in the legal process in some form or fashion, just not as the victim or defendant. It's as close to Law & Order as I'll ever get.

13. Finally, I'd like to have a really great cheeseburger. I've had some good ones, but never a cheeseburger that made me sit back and say "you know, I'll be telling people at my high school reunion about this."

(Note: I actually got an email the morning this was published from someone suggesting a cheeseburger I should try. She even offered to keep me company while I tried it. It is, by far, the strangest non-spam email I've ever received in my life.

Back in the USA

The following intially appeaered in the May 10 edition of the Statesboro Herald. (note: I don't think I've ever posted a non-column that I've written, but I thought this turned out to be a good story. Don't worry, my latest column will be here no later than Friday.


FORT STEWART — Bryan Babot gave his wife a memorable anniversary present to celebrate their first year of marriage, even if it was a day late.

He was among the several hundred members of Georgia Army National Guard's 48th Brigade who returned Monday to Fort Stewart after serving nearly a year in Iraq.

Babot and his wife, NaStasha, were married on May 7, 2005, and approximately three weeks later, he was deployed.

"I'm elated to have him back," she said. "It's so great to see him."

Babot was one of between 500 and 600 soldiers from the 648th Engineering Battalion, based in Statesboro, and other units who returned to the United States after serving a yearlong tour of duty in Iraq.

Also among those returning was Chad Perkins, who had several family members there to greet him.

However, there was one person he still can't wait to see.

"I want to spend some time with my son," he said. "I've never seen him before."

Perkins mother, Brenda Alston, said Perkins' son is at Memorial Hospital in Savannah after being born premature.

Alston was one of more than 1,000 family and friends Monday at Cottrell Field on hand to greet the soldiers. Many came with a combination of signs, banners and flags.

She said she there were no words to explain what it felt like in the hours leading up to Perkins' return.

"Happy. Ecstatic. I can't wait to see him," she said as she and other family members waited for the soldiers to arrive from Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah.

Tamamara Hunter said she was "on pins and needles" Monday waiting for her boyfriend, Bryan Chavers to come home. "These last few weeks, I've been really nervous and stressful waiting for him," she said.

Making the wait even more difficult for families was the fact that the troops didn't arrive until nearly two hours after they were initially scheduled.

Because the flights of the 648th Engineering Battalion and the 148th unit from Dublin arrived one right after the other, the decision was made to combine the homecoming ceremonies into one event.

"I couldn't sleep last night," said Wanda Shaw, who was waiting on her husband, Johnny Shaw to come home. The extended wait was frustrating, she said.

"That's the Army. You hurry up and wait," she said.

In addition to her husband, Shaw's son is also serving in Iraq. He's scheduled to return in June.

Finally, at approximately 9:50 a.m., several busses with the soldiers drove past the field, leading to cheers and applause from grateful family and friends. The soldiers then lined up in formation and marched onto the field in front of an anxious crowd.

After the playing of the national anthem and the army song and some very brief comments, the soldiers were released and the crowd stormed the field to find their loved ones like fans running on to a basketball court following a big victory.

Lt. Col. Mark Davis, commander of the 648th, said the soldiers served admirably during their tour in Iraq.

"I couldn't be more proud of them and their families should be proud, too," he said.

In addition to seeing family members, there were other aspects of being home that appealed to the soldiers.

"I'm just excited to see grass," said Bryan Babot. "It's not the dirt and sand we've seen for the past year."

As well as rest and relaxation, Davis had another thing on his mind that he was anxious to experience.

"Food other than army food," he said.

Babot's father, Robert, was also among the returning soldiers and he, too, was looking forward to non-army meals.

"The first thing I want to do is relax," he said. "Then I want to go to my mother's and enjoy some good Cuban cooking," he said.

Despite being home from Iraq, the soldiers still have some things to do at Fort Stewart before they can return home for good. However, unlike other units, members of the 648th will be able to commute from Statesboro to Fort Stewart each day, provided they complete the tasks assigned for each day.

They are expected to return to the National Guard Armory within the next five to seven days where they will be released. A police escort from Fort Stewart to Statesboro is planned and plans are being made to have people line the streets of Statesboro as they return to express their appreciation for the job the soldiers did.

A community-wide celebration to allow people to give their thanks in person is currently being planned, but no date has been set yet.

I'm sorry

Once again, there’s no introductory column before moving to the update portion of this blog. I had to wake up at 5:15 this morning for work and that’s pretty much zapped any creative juices I might have had today. (On the plus side, the event I had to cover was the return of the Georgia Army National Guard troops from Iraq. Sure, it was early, but that’s nothing compared to the sacrifice these men and woman – and their families – made over the past year. That ends the serious portion of this entry.)

I know I keep promising my new column from the Statesboro Herald, but as I’m writing it for them, they get to publish it first (especially since I write it on company time), so you’ll get nothing but updates today.

We here at the Nexus of the Universe apologize for any inconvenience caused by not having a longer post today. We know you hold us to a very low standard and when we can’t even reach that, we feel a small sense of satisfaction in knowing we’ve lowered the bar just a little bit more. Soon, you’ll be happy if I’m stringing words together. They won’t even have to make sense.

My ultimate goal for this blog is to get the expectations so low that I could write “Dog turkey budget incandescent hut lazily jumped acorn Motley Crew” and you guys go “well, at least he’s still writing words.”

Fantasy Update: Tanith Belbin hasn’t given up ice dancing to be the executive editor, proofreader and coffee girl of the Nexus of the Universe, but I’m thinking of doubling my offer to $.02 a week in the hopes that will lure her away from her lucrative Olympic career. In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels had a poor week, perhaps due to the uncertainty surrounding the leadership of this blog. Whatever the cause, the Fighting Squirrels went 7-7-1 in one league to hold on to first place while going 3-12-1 in the other league, but remaining in second place. Obviously those are unacceptable results and we’re taking appropriate actions to see better results next week.

Weekend Update: Despite my request for suggestions, no one had anything for me to do this weekend. So on Saturday, I got a haircut and then watched television, including the Kentucky Derby. My pick, Bob and John, finished 17th out of 20 horses in the field, so needless to say, I’m not good at picking the ponies. Yes Dear and I also went furniture shopping Saturday (this is what happens when you don’t give me anything to do.) Sunday was an orgy of baseball as I basically watched games from 1 p.m. to 8 p.m.

Cubs Update: If you thought the Fighting Squirrels had a bad week, then there isn’t a word in the English language to describe the Cubs week. They are on a six-game losing streak, went 80 innings without scoring more than once in an inning, gave up a total of three runs in two games and lost both of them and generally made me question the existence of a benevolent and loving God. Needless to say, I’m less than pleased.
Related Indians Note: Cleveland is 17-15 and 5.5 games back. Fans of the Twins, Tigers and White Sox should be pleased I’m cheering for the Indians as my track record shows I’m not good at picking the winners.

I’m now part of the Problem Update: Until last week, I’d managed to avoid the whole Myspace phenomenon, but I finally gave in to the fad that the mainstream media has latched on to as the root cause of all problems in today’s youth. (It’s this decade’s version of video games, or Rock and Roll in the 1950s) Why would I do such a dastardly thing? Well, as I mentioned previously, my 10-year high school reunion is coming up and apparently Myspace is the best way to get in touch with people. Prior to last week, I could blame others for the downfall of today’s youth. Now, I’m part of the problem.
(Don’t worry loyal reader(s), my primary Internet wasting site will still be this blog. I’ve said as much on the Myspace page. You are still my first priority.)

Remember, friends don’t let friends go though life without reading this blog.

Home Sweet Home

I’d hoped to have my latest Statesboro Herald column ready by now to post, but I’m still tinkering with it.

So instead, I’ll break down and do what I hate doing, which is giving an update about my personal life. (I’d much rather write about some topic tangentially related to me. I consider myself a boring person, and I actually live my life, so I can’t imagine how boring it would be to read about my life.)

Anyway, as of tomorrow (Saturday,) it’s one month until Yes Dear and I move into el Casa De Martin That means we’re always looking for boxes to pack stuff in.

Moving is not my favorite thing to do. More than the money I saved, it was the thought of having to move my stuff that kept me living at home during college. While Yes Dear moved every year (which means I got to help her move, three times), I stayed in one place. (For those of you lacking the Luke-to-English translator, that means I was and am lazy.)

In fact, this move next month will be only the third time I’ve ever moved in my life, including the time when I was four and really didn’t know anything more than I got to ride on an airplane.

For those keeping track at home (for whatever reason), this upcoming move will mean I’ll have moved an average of once every nine years. And two of the three moves will be across town.

I’m really not sure where I’m going with this, other to say I hate lugging all the junk I’ve accumulated to a new place to be stored until we move again.

So unlike Scott and Alison, who have stories of cross-country moves and the adventures that go with that, I’ll have a busy Saturday afternoon that hopefully doesn’t conflict with any minor sporting event I’d like to watch.

On the plus side, some college friends are moving to the area the week before, so we’ll have four extra hands helping us move. Granted, the weekend before, we’re helping them move, but it seems like a fair trade off.

With any luck, I’ll finish my latest column early next week (hopefully Monday) and I’ll post it here for you to not read while you’re skipping ahead for the Fantasy Update.

Weekend Plans: It’s graduation day at Georgia Southern on Saturday. What does that mean for me? It means I can get a haircut without waiting in line. (Good times.) Other than that, I’ve got nothing on my agenda. If you’ve got any suggestions as to how I could spend my weekend, please let me know.

House update: Cabinets are in. Carpet and tile are next. Still no cable in our den and it turns out it wasn’t a smoke detector over where our television should go, but the doorbell. Whatever it is, it hasn’t bee moved yet. I’m less than pleased.
Work Update: When suggesting weekend plans, please know that I’ve got to be at work at 6 a.m. (that’s in the morning. I know you know that, but I wanted to reiterate it for emphasis) to see members of the Georgia National Guard arrive home from Iraq. I’m not looking forward to it. On the plus side, I don’t have to work this weekend.

American Idol Update: Paris was finally voted off, giving us the final four of Elliot, Chris, Katherine and Taylor. The most talented singer is Elliot, but I think Chris will end up winning the competition. The talent level is kind of dissapointing this season.

Coming next week: My latest column and thoughts on my 10-year high school reunion, which is coming up next year. And, if I get enough time, why I could never be a sports reporter.

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No rest for the weary

I’m kind of burnt out from work right now and don’t feel like writing, but I know you are all dying to know how things are at the Nexus of the Universe, so here you go.

Fantasy update: Jessica Simpson still hasn’t called me to talk about her breakup with Nick, despite my offer to listen and try to comfort her during this trying an emotional time. (Sure, she’s dumber than a sack of rocks, but it’s called “Fantasy Update,” not “Who I would like to discus Voltaire with Update.” I don’t judge the regular features on your blog, so leave me alone.) In other fantasy news, the Steel Rabbits had a pretty good week, going 8-6-1 in one league to remain in first place while going 10-5-1 in the other league to remain in second place. It’s still way to early to start planning the celebration, but I’ve inquired about parade permits from the police chief.

Cubs update: Despite being killed today, the Cubs are 14-11 and treading water until Kerry Wood and Mark Prior come back. We really miss Derrek Lee.

House Update: We’re scheduled to close on our house at the end of the month. We went by on Saturday to see it and we’ve got cabinets up. We’ve still got no cable hook up in our den and a smoke alarm directly over our television should go, but otherwise, things appear to be proceeding nicely. What impact will this have on you? Probably none, but the fact that the Nexus of the Universe is actually moving about five miles probably will have a seismic impact for scientists everywhere.

Weekend update: Friday after I got off work, I went to a friend’s house 90 minutes away for a game of Risk (the game of global domination) with some friends from college. I got screwed from the start and was never really in the game. I did manage to survive longer than one other person and finished fifth. However, I didn’t get home until 2 a.m. Normally this wouldn’t be bad, but I had to work Saturday morning because it was Yes Dear’s birthday. We ended up going to Savannah and walking down River Street with some friends. Sunday I worked early again so I could go to a church picnic and take part in one of the two softball games I play each year (I went 3-3 with a single, triple and home run for those of you scoring at home, or even if you’re by yourself.) I had to work again Sunday night and was completely exhausted and not feeling well when I showed up for work Monday.

Thanks for stopping by. Please remember the gift shop on your way out.