Where are the dancing bears?

I've got jury duty this Wednesday. In honor of that and because I haven't posted anything in a while, here's a column that originally ran in the Statesboro Herald on December 10, 2004, right after my last experience with jury duty. (Yes, I'm aware the blog title isn't a song title, but I'm using the headline that went with the column, sorry.) I hope everyone had a good holiday season (I'll cover mine in greater detail later.)

This past Wednesday, I experienced first-hand the fun and excitement of jury duty - and by “fun and excitement” I mean constant boredom.

Anyway, I kept a running diary. Here it is.

7:15 a.m. — You’ve got to be kidding me. Now I know why people are wrongfully convicted. The jurors are upset at having to get up this early. I can count on one hand the times in the past year I’ve been up this early. Already, the day’s off to a bad start.

8:15 a.m. — The summons I received told me I had to be at the judicial annex at this time or face a fine of up to $300. Yet here I am and no sign of any official-looking people.

8:30 a.m. — We’re been assigned a number and told that will be our name for the day.

So basically, so far I’ve gotten up early and been told that the name on my driver’s license (a legal document for identification purposes) isn’t good enough and I’ll be referred to by a number.

It’s the personal touches that make our government so great.

9 a.m. — Judge William Woodrum arrives and tells us that he’s happy to see us all. I get the feeling he tells all prospective jurors that, so I’m not sure how much he actually meant it.

9:25 a.m. — Now that we’ve been here over an hour the attorneys are finally asking questions to the jurors. They break the group into panels, and I’m not in the first group, so there’s no chance I could be selected. Fortunately for me, I’ve got a good book.

9:30 a.m. — I’ve only been here an hour and 15 minutes and my back is hurting from these chairs. There’s a nice metal bar in the middle of my back, making it nearly impossible to sit back and relax. Is it to much to ask for comfortable chairs . . . oh, it is. Ok, then, carry on.

9:45 a.m. — I just realized they never checked any ID. Anyone could have come in my place and lied.

By the way, next time I’m called for jury duty, I’m auctioning my place off on Ebay. (Note: I know it's late notice, but anyone intrested in taking my spot Wednesday. I'd appreciate it.)

10 a.m. — The bailiff turned the air conditioner on about an hour ago and I think they forgot about it. Either that or they’re simply preparing the room for its night use of being a meat locker.

10:45 a.m. — Finally, I’m in the pool of potential jurors for a case. This one involves a man allegedly pointing a gun at someone and a case of road rage. Unfortunately, still no theme music from “Law & Order.”

Anyway, I end up knowing one of the attorneys and had interviewed him a couple times for various stories. I don’t know if that had any effect, but . . .

12 noon — I didn’t get chosen for the case. And now we get a 90 minute lunch break. No wonder we only get $25, they make up for it with long lunch breaks.

2 p.m. — I really wish the bailiffs would begin painting the walls. Not that I think the room needs to be repainted, but at least I could watch the paint dry as a form of entertainment. Or maybe some dancing bears in a cage off to the side. Something, anything to pass the time.

2:05 p.m. — Maybe it’s a good thing those walls weren’t painted as some excitement begins. One of the jurors is called up to the bench because she feels she couldn’t be an impartial juror. Maybe I should try that trick for the next time.

2:15 p.m. — Someone gets picked for their second trial. There’s obvious empathy for this person as everyone turns to their neighbor and said “that’s her second one. I’m glad I’m not her.” She deserves some kind of award.

3 p.m. — For the second time, I avoid being selected for a case. This one was a cocaine sale. There’s only two more cases to go, so it’s looking good that I won’t get picked.
You know, jury selection is like the opposite of kickball when you were a kid. No one wants to get picked first, or at all.

4:15 — One last case, but its a good one. The defendant is accused of robbing several gas stations. However, there’s a glimmer of hope for me. Judge Woodrum tells us the trial is scheduled for December 14-15, and Yes Dear’s sister is graduating that night. When the judge asks if anyone has a conflict. I tell him my situation. I guess having a sister-in-law graduating from college is a good enough excuse as neither attorney objected and I was sent home for the day.

As I’m leaving, someone tells me, “well, looks like you got out of it.” Sweeter words have never been spoken.

Running on empty

Hey guys,

I know I promised a post today, but I'm not really feeling up to it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Thursday. You'll have to wait another day or two to read an in depth post and ask yourself "why do I keep coming back here?"

I hope everyone had a great Festivus, Christmas, Hanukkah or other holiday that you may have been celebrating.

I fought the law (and the law won)

On Monday, I addressed the first half of the most pressing question facing residents of the planet Earth: If you were murdered in New York City, which Law & Order detectives would you want handling your case?

Now that the perpetrator has been apprehended, we need to name the second, yet equally important group, representing the people, the District Attorney's office, who prosecutes the offenders.

As with the first half of the question, all the attorneys who have worked in the DA's office are available to choose from. And like Monday's discussion of the detectives, I'll start out saying who I don't want handling my case before revealing who is sending my killer to Attica (or Rikers, either way I'll be dead so it won't matter much to me.)

Let's start by picking the second chair, who basically serves as an additional investigator for the DA's office and serves as someone for the first chair to bounce ideas off of. Let's start right out be eliminating Paul Robinette from the running. He was a decent second chair to Ben Stone in the show's first three years, but he didn't seem to have the passion needed to attack the case. (He did manage to find that passion later when he came back as a defense attorney in a racially motivated case. However, being that I'm white and Robinette is black, I don't think I'd fit into his normal clientele.) While we're at it, we're cutting Serena Sutherland from the list for the same reason. (But it does provide an early photo opportunity, but this time, I'm actually going to refrain from posting it, sorry guys, but you'll thank me later.)

Also, as much as it pains me, we're going to eliminate Claire Kincade from the running. (Again, for the sake of the argument, let's pretend she didn't die in a car crash on the show.) She always deferred to Stone and Jack McCoy on every decision. And while she was an able investigator, she never struck me as spectacular in the second chair. Plus, the hidden inuendo on the show was she and McCoy were having an affiar. I don't want my attorney distracted by thoughts of what she wants to do to her coworker while she's preparing to put my murderer behind bars for 25 to life. Maybe it's a little selfish of me, but I want the attorney's to focus on me and not each other. (Here is where we'll add a photo to this otherwise mundane post so far . . . you're welcome guys.)

I was tempted to make ADA Ron Carver from L&O:CI and make him second chair, especially based on his prosecution in one of last night's reruns. However,I thought the deomotion from lead attorney to second chair might cause some friction. And again, I can't feel good about taking any of the lawyers from SVU because, well, they deal with sex crimes and I'm not going out like that.

No, I want Abby Carmichael on the prosecution team. She's fiesty, agressive and has a take-no-prisoners attitude. (Except that, in this case, I want her to take prisoners, specifically one prisoner that killed me.) Not to mention she's a former Baywatch Night's star who gives Jill Hennessy a run for her money for the title "hottest ADA in New York."

(Seriously, isn't it time for that contest to be held somewhere? Let's organize this. Who would be against such a thing? NBC is in the toilet when it comes to ratings with L&O being it's only reliable draw, so why not combine beauty pagaent with L&O. I tell you, when I become the head of a television studio, these are the types of programs you'll have the opportunity to watch. Don't let me down.)

Fortunately for the length of this post, there aren't a lot of choices to be the lead attorney. Again, the SVU lawyers are out of the running to head up the prosecution, leaving only three real choices, Ron Carver, Ben Stone or Jack McCoy.

Carver's role on L&O:CI is mostly advisory in the investigation process, so there aren't a lot of chances to see him in action in the courtroom. However, from the few times I've seen him try a case, he's very good. He must be, after all, since he's working with the detectives from the Major Case Squad.

Ben Stone was also very good. Granted, he only stayed for four years, but he still managed to have one of the most enduring lines in L&O history when he put a 10 second time limit on a plea bargain offer. When the defendant's balked at the proposed offer, Stone looked back at them and said "tick tock gentleman." Every time my family is waiting on someone to get ready to go, we'll say "tick tock gentleman." Good times. He also answered, when asked what he wanted in life, was peace on earth, the Mets in the series and your client behind bars. That's a man with goals.

But neither Stone nor Carver hold a candle to Jack McCoy. The passion, energy and willingness to push the boundries will all be important when some defense attorney tries some creative defense as to why he had to kill me.

(Seriously though, why would anyone need to kill me? My goal in life is to not bother people, which conflicts with my profession in life of bothering people for answers. Let's just agree my paper sent me to New York to uncover some deep corruption in the City Council that stretches all the way to the mayor's office in New York City. Sure, it'll never happen, but if I'm going to start with the presumption that I'm killed in New York, I think I can add the reason for my death. Plus, it'll give the police a chance to visit my little town here.)

McCoy is also a better courtroom litigator than either of the other two options to prosecute. He thinks well on his feet and knows how to push the buttons of those on the stand to implicate them in the murder. Sometimes he may go to far, but I'd rather he do that than not go far enough.

And finally, the all important District Attorney. I realize the voters of New York County have the decision as to who they elect, but this is my murder mystery, so I'm changing the rules.

I think most people would expect me to pick Adam Schiff to be the DA overseeing my case, but I'm going against that. Schiff was always anxious to make a deal and clear the case, but I want whoever kills me to get the max.

So with that in mind, I'll take the only other viable alternative, Arthur Branch, but default. He's not bad, but he's not the same, character-wise, as Schiff was. I miss him on the show.

There you have it. The complete Law & Order team I want to investigate and prosocute my killer(s). If I'm ever in New York, I'll let you know and if I die, would someone please contact someone in the New York City Police Department and point them to my request. I'd appreciate it.

Weekend Plans: As mentioned Monday, Yes Dear and I are embarking on our whirlwind Christmas weekend on Friday, leaving right after work for her parents house where we'll celebrate Christmas Eve like it's Christmas. Then, around 2:30ish on Saturday, we'll head back home to make in in time for our Church's Christmas Eve service and then to my parents for our traditional viewing of The Muppet Christmas Carol. ("Light the lamp, not the rat! Light the lamp, not the rat!!") Christmas morning, we'll get up and drive back to my parents' home to open presents and that night will conclude with our annual game of Trival Pursuit. (For more information about our family's holiday tradition, check out Official Brother's blog.

War on Christmas Update: The United States Secretary of Transportation has given Santa Claus clearance to enter U. S. airspace, land on people's homes and leave unchecked packages underneath their holiday tree. I ask you, how can we wage a successful war on Christmas if we're going to bend the rules for this career criminal. (Yeah, that's right, I called Santa a career criminal. He's gotten away with more breaking and entering jobs than anyone in the history of the world. Well, not this year. If there are presents at my house Christmas morning, I'm calling the police.)

Holiday Reminder: While you're preparing for Christmas of Haunakkah, don't forget that the Seinfeld holiday of Festivus (you know, "Festivus for the rest of us") is Friday. Be sure to set up your Festivus Pole.

Have a great Christmas and/or Haunakkah and/or Festivus. See you Tuesday (hopefully) for the next post.

Bad Boys (Theme from "Cops")

Following my previous post regarding the War on Christmas (which, I admit, is totally out of the normal voice, tone and content of this blog, but it was bothering me so much I just needed to write it down), I realized there are other burning issues that needed to be addressed in this world.

So, if you don't mind, I think today I'll tackle the single greatest question ever posed to anyone in the history of the universe.

If you were murdered in New York City, which Law and Order detective(s) and lawyers would you want handling your case? (For the sake of this question, all the Law & Order franchises are available to choose from. Even, for the three people who liked it, including me, Law & Order: Trial by Jury.)

(I'd planned on answering the detective and prosecution teams in this post, but it started running long. To find out who is prosecuting my murders, check back Thursday.)

Before revealing who I want investigating, allow me to take a look at who I don't want anywhere near my case.

As much as I like both Deteticves Munch (Richard Belzer) and Tutuola (Ice-T) on the show, Munch for his conspiracy theories and Lennie Briscoe-esqe one liners and Tutuola for his knowledge of the mean streets of New York, there's just something about them that says "Luke, you don't want them on the scene shortly after your murder."

Oh, now I remember.

They do sex crimes. It's bad enough that I was murdered in New York, but I don't want to go out in any way that would require the sex crimes unit to show up on the scene. For the same reason, I don't want Stabler (Christopher Meloni) or Benson (the incredibly hot Mariska Hargitay) investigating my early demise. (And, in a first for the Nexus of the Universe, we're resisting the impulse to put a photo of Ms. Hargitay. Why the sudden change? Well, we're not sure of Santa's views on gratuitous photos of beautiful women on blogs and rather than risk it this close to Christmas, we'll avoid using a photo. On second thought, forget Santa. This entry needs photos and Hargitay is as good as anyone to post a picture of.)

The original Law & Order has had more than its fair share of detectives working out of the 27th precinct. Some, like Detectives Ray Curtis (Benjamin Bratt) and Joe Fontana (Dennis Farina) are serviceable. They're not flashy or spectacular, but they get the job done. Others, like Phil Ceretta (Paul Sorvino) and George Dzundza (Max Greevy) had their time in the Law & Order spotlight up to 15 years ago, when I was 11 and not exactly a fan of the show. Though no fault of their own, I'm eliminating them as well.

Both Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach, may he rest in peace) and Ed Green (Jesse L. Martin) are above average detectives. Forget for a minute that Orbach is dead and wouldn't be able to investigate anyway. (For the sake of discussion, let's say he's alive and doing fine.) I wouldn't be upset if they were assigned my case. They're both very good at what they do and would work well together, especially considering they worked well together until Orbach left the show for health reasons. They'd probably find the guy (or gal) who killed me and have all the evidence they needed to give to the DA's office. They're good, just not the guys I want on my case.

One of the dark horses to work the case would be Tony Profaci (John Fiore.) Granted, he turned out to be a dirty cop in the Law & Order movie "Exiled," but before that, Profaci was best known as doing the menial tasks the key detectives didn't have time to do. While the lead detectives would get sent upstate to interview the victim's old business partner, Profaci would get stuck waiting at the Medical Examiner's office waiting for an autopsy report. How he made the detectives' squad is beyond me. He was essentially a glorified secretary.

So who is it I want handling my case? While a lot of people don't like him, I want Bobby Goren from L&O: Criminal Intent as the lead detective. The man is a genius. In fact, I'd wager Official Brother's scholarship money that anyone that smart is not going to waste his time as a detective.

Be that as it may, Goren's going to get his man (or woman, if it turns out Yes Dear murdered me on some vacation to New York). Not only that, but I think he would enjoy toying with the suspect's mind for a few days during the investigation. He'll start asking about one thing and end up asking about what the suspect did last winter to cause a small scar across his finger. Three days later, it'll turn out that the scar was the clue that cracked the case and led to his arrest. I need someone who's going to pay attention to the smallest details to find my killer. (I also need someone that detail-oriented to edit my posts, so if you're interested, let me know.)

While Goren may be leading the investigation, he needs someone else to partner with. This was probably the easiest choice of the entire debate. Mike Logan (Chris Noth) brings passion, energy and plaid ties that are needed to catch my killer. Sadly, most women probably know him better as Mr. Big on "Sex and the City." (And honestly, why was he so smitten with Sarah Jessica Parker when Kristen Davis was also available. It's one of the greatest mysteries of the show. In fact, after Goren and Logan solve my murder, maybe they could look into that.)

Sure, Logan may be a bit of a hot head (as evidenced by the fact he was banished to Staten Island for hitting a city council member), but he's not afraid to rough someone up, setting them up nicely for Goren to come in and basically play mind games until he confesses.

And who is supervising my investigation. While Lt. Van Buren (S. Epatha Merkerson) is a Lieutenant in the PD, I still want Capt. Cragen (Dann "I spell my name with two 'n's" Florek) running the ship. (And yes, I'm aware he's now in charge of the Special Victim's Unit, but he got his start in the good, old 27th precinct.) I want Cragen for no other reason than he is always angry when he answers his phone. Goren and Logan will be in there explaining the troubles of the case, causing Cragen to get agitated, when the phone will ring. Rather than hiding his frustration, Cragen picks up the phone and yells "WHAT?" That's the kind of anger that's going to get my killer arrested.

Weekend update: Friday night, after going out to dinner with some friends, Yes Dear and I watched Appalachian State claim their first 1-AA football championship with a 21-16 win over Northern Iowa. (And yes, that's the same Appalachain State Yes Dear interviewed at earlier this year.) Saturday we went to my parent's house and watched Mt. Union win the Division III national championship (they've won eight of the past 13 titles.) We watched more football Saturday night. Sunday, Yes Dear left for her annual Girls Christmas Party. (Think "Girls Gone Wild," only without the going wild part.) I watched some football and a lot of the Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA.

Fantasy update: Growing up, friends, teachers and everyone not in my immediate family said I looked like Paul from The Wonder Years. Does that mean I still have a shot with Winnie Cooper, or, as she's known today, Danica Mckeller. It appears as though it's going to be another mixed week for the Fighting Squirrels. After falling last week to Official Brother in the semifinals, it appears I'll finish the year in 4th place unless Green Bay running back Samkon Gado loses 12 points tonight. In my quest to be the best of the rest (the loser's bracket) in my other league, I've got a fairly comfortable 97-42 lead going into tonight's game. With a win this week, I can finish no worse than sixth (out of 10). All in all, an ultimately unsatisfying fantasy season.

Christmas Plans: Yes Dear and I are heading to her parents house on Friday where we'll celebrate Christmas a day early. That afternoon, we'll head back to home to make it in time for our Christmas Eve service at church and spend Christmas with my family. (We spent Christmas morning with her family last year, so we're switching it up this year.) And yes, I've bought and wrapped Yes Dear's present, a full week before Christmas. I think that may improve my chances in the Husband of the Year race. However, I think the Fantasy Updates all year have all but blown my chances of winning that.

What does this mean for you? Well, it means I'm planning on revealing who from Law & Order I want prosecuting my murder on sometime on Thursday.

As always, thanks for reading and I'll see you Thursday.

War (What is it good for?)

(In the interest in full disclosure, I’m a Christian who finds the “War on Christmas” to be the biggest fake controversy since the Terrell Owens/Nicollette Sheridan fiasco on Monday Night Football. Longtime readers know that I’ve just created a perfect reason to include a photo of Sherridan in my blog, and I’ll most assuredly take advantage of the opportunity.)

Unbeknownst to me and other Christians throughout the nation, Christmas has been under attack. I’ve checked my calendar for this year and the next two years and, as far as I can tell, December 25 is still there. In fact, the word “Christmas” is written in the square for that date. In other words, I’ve eliminated the calendar makers from being involved in the war. (I’m like a detective. I have to eliminate suspects. Just call me Mike Logan)

Christmas lights are still up around town. Our mall, as well as those in nearby cities, appears to be crowded with people buying gifts for family and friends. Radio stations have been playing both secular and religious songs during the month of December as they have in the past.

On the surface, everything would appear to be just the same as it has been in the past.

Fortunately, we’ve got people like Fox News’ John Gibson looking out for us. In his new book, “The War on Christmas,” he details how stores have begun saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Apparently, as I Christian, I’m supposed to find this change as an attack on my beliefs and part of the secularists’ goal of eliminating Christmas from the public arena. Gibson has yet to mention, that I’ve seen, that he’s trying to sell a book by stirring up this pseudocontroversy.

By removing “Merry Christmas” from advertising, stores are somehow saying they don’t care about Christians. At least, I think that’s the argument. By wishing me Happy Holidays instead, I think I’m supposed to feel slighted. Or, better yet, attacked. Forget, for a minute, that “holidays” is plural, and therefore inclusive of all holidays in December. Or forget that Hanukkah starts on the same day as Christmas this year. Other holidays shouldn’t be competing with Christmas. They should quit honing in on our day.

Fortunately, this whole “War on Christmas” has taught me a lot about the history of Christmas in the United States.

When the Puritans settled at Plymouth Rock back in 1620, they forbid the celebration of Christmas, saying it reminded them of Old World England, it wasn’t truly the birth of Jesus (more on that later) and celebrations tended to include feasting, drinking and playing games, all things the Puritans frowned on. So they banned the holiday.

In other words, all these people wanting to celebrate Christmas today are spitting in the face of our ancestors. The heathens. If we truly want to celebrate a traditional American Christmas, we need to not celebrate Christmas at all That’s what our forefathers would have wanted.

And what about the Christmas tree? As Jon Stewart pointed out, that symbol of Christmas is so Christian that it predates the religion. In fact, a look at the bible would suggest a Christmas tree might actually be a sin.

In the book of Jeremiah, the prophet cites a pagan ritual of cutting down an evergreen tree and decorating it with silver or gold as something to be avoided.

Jeremiah 10:2-4: "Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not." (KJV).

Yet the “traditionalists” are telling us that calling it a holiday tree is offensive to Christians. But what about the Romans among us who still want to celebrate the ancient Roman Feast of Saturnalia? Aren’t we discriminating against them by calling it a Christmas tree?

Back in the old days, ancient Romans would decorate trees with metals and replicas of their god, Bacchus, the god of wine in the ancient Roman world. Since I don’t drink wine, I guess I’d be a hypocrite for having a tree devoted to the Roman god Bacchus.

Even in America, the first Christmas tree was greeted with scorn. In 1851, Pastor Henry Schwan of Cleveland, Ohio appears to have been the person responsible for decorating the first Christmas tree in an American church. His parishioners condemned the idea as a Pagan practice; some even threatened the pastor with harm.

Those are the traditional American values we should be fighting for.

This leads us to the day we celebrate Christmas, December 25. Most scholars agree that, most likely, Jesus wasn’t born in the dead of winter. Also, shepherds wouldn’t be out tending their flock at that time. According to people who know much more than I do, shepherds in that area would watch their sheep from early March until early October.

Most scholars think the date was selected to incorporate the Feast of Saturnalia. Scholars think the church chose the date of this pagan celebration to interest them in Christianity. The pagans were already used to celebrating on this date.

I think this whole pseudocontroversy is a self-fulfilling prophecy on the part of some Christians. In the book of Matthew, Jesus said “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” In other words, Christians are told they’ll be blessed for being persecuted, so they go out and look for evidence that someone is persecuting them, whether or not they’re actually suffering.

I’m no biblical scholar, but I don’t think this is the type of persecution Jesus was had in mind when he said his followers would be persecuted. Somehow, I get the feeling Jesus had bigger fish to fry than the semantics of how his birth is celebrated.

It makes me sad to see people professing to be Christians spending their time and efforts on this “war” when there are so many other things they could be doing to live out the commandments of Jesus. I’ll be the first to admit I fall far short of meeting those standards.

And now, with all that said, I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, a joyful Kwanza, a festive Festivus, an enjoyable feast of Saturnalia, a good new year and any other holidays I may have left out.

Weekend plans: Yes Dear is going to Atlanta for her annual girls’ Christmas party on Saturday and won’t return until Tuesday, so I’ve got the apartment to myself. What are my big plans? Football, football, and more football.

New Blog Alert: Many of you have read about Official Brother. Now you have the chance to hear from him first hand at Official Brother Speaks Out.

Shopping Update: I got Yes Dear’s gift today, so I’m done. For those who haven’t finished their holiday shopping, only nine days left until Christmas, but only seven days remaining until Festivus.

If you’ve made it this far, I’d like to give you a Steven Colbert “Tip of the Hat.” Thanks for reading and see you Monday.

The Graduation Song

Yeah, I went to Vitamin C for my title today. That's just how I roll.

So Yes Dear graduated on Friday and, once again, my alma mater didn't invite me to give the commencement address. That didn't stop me from writing one in case they needed me to fill in had the speaker suffered a tragic death at the hands (err, paws) of a pack of lions. Rather than let that speech go to waste, I thought I'd share it here.

First of all, allow me to offer my congratulations to you for reaching this milestone in your life. I, too, was once where you're sitting and I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy and why is my school to cheap to bring in Bill Cosby or Jon Stewart?"

The answer to that is I'm Luke and your school would rather spend money on their new football coach than bring in someone funny and famous for two hours to rehash his stand up bit. If you want Cosby or Stewart, turn on the television.

So why am I qualified to address you moments before you become a college graduate? Well, I think everyone who knows me can agree that my life can only be described as "not a complete and total failure." I'm not married to a stripper. I've never been to jail. Those were pretty much the requirements for giving the commencement address and I passed, thanks to a lenient judge and the fact that my wife prefers the term "exotic dancer."

(She's not really an exotic dancer. While she doesn't like me making fun of her short stature, she doesn't read this so I can say that it would be accurate to call her a "Tiny Dancer.")

People tell you this is a day you'll never forget. I'm here to tell you they're wrong. It's only been four years and yet I can't tell you what day I graduated on. Heck, I can't tell you where my diploma is at this point. I think it's in a box in my closet, but there's a chance it's still in my parent's house. It's not in the local landfill, I think. By next week you'll have forgotten all about me and anything I say here today. That's your goal.

My goal is to say something so memorable that a year from now, you remember that you had a graduation speaker.

Doodie.

You didn't think you'd hear that today, at least from some guy the school invited to address you on their most important academic day of the year. But, ideally, you'll remember me as the guy who said doodie at your graduation.

So what does that have to do with the life lessons you're supposed to gain from listening to some guy talk?

For you, it means go out and do something memorable.

If you're a teacher, be the teacher that faked his suicide by tossing a dummy off the roof of the school to illustrate the effects of gravity. If you're an interior designer, design a room made entirely out of old tires and show that to new clients as an example of your work. If you're a doctor . . . well, it's probably not best to play with people's health, but have your assistant try to fill a prescription for cocaine.

Go out and enjoy life. Have fun. It's not all about getting the best job or making the most money, although the school would like you to make the most so you can send some back to them. If you do make the most money, please consider sending some to your commencement speaker who, I'm sure, was key to your success.

I know you're read to graduate and the longer I talk, the longer you have to wait. So I'll end with this inspirational message.

Doodie.

Congratulations again. Dr. Grube, why are you escorting me from the stage? Hey! What did I do? Unhand me you ruffian.

Fantasy Update: World Poker Tour's Shana Hiatt has yet to invite me to her home poker game. In other fantasy news, the championship dreams of the Fighting Squirrels ended this weekend as we lost to Official Brother's team, Wal-Mart Low Prices (so named because nobody beats Wal-Mart's Low Prices) in the semi-finals of our playoffs in one league while failing to qualify for the playoffs in the other league. I play for third place next week in one league while begin my quest for fifth place in the other league next week. After that concludes, the Fantasy Update will go on hiatus until baseball season begins again in April.

Weekend Update: Thursday night, Yes Dear, myself, and Yes Dear's sister all went to a party to celebrate her graduation. Friday, she graduated and then my parents threw a party for her. That night, we played poker with some friends (notice how the Fantasy Update Girl ties in here.) and watched one of the 1-AA semifinal games. Saturday we watched the other semifinal game and then went out to dinner to celebrate Yes Dear's Father's birthday. Sunday we went shopping in Savannah with Official Brother and Parental Unit #1. Going back to work yesterday was actually relaxing.

Christmas Shopping Update: We're done with all our shopping for others. Yes Dear ordered my present Sunday night and I need to pick up her present this week and we'll be done.

Thanks for stopping by. Check back Friday night for a new post.

Tell Me Lies

I don't like to vent about my marriage in public, but in this case I think it's justified. I may regret this later, but I just have to write this. Excuse my venting (and don't tell Yes Dear you read this here)

When Yes Dear and I got married (August 2, 2003, see, I remember), I thought I was entering a lifelong partnership. One which would be mutually beneficial to both of us as we went though this crazy journey called life together.

Now, I'm not so sure.

No no, I'm not thinking of leaving her and, as far as I know, she has no intentions of leaving me. I'm just not sure the partnership I thought we had is the same as what she thinks.

Whenever I have a big decision in life (like whether to set of parenthetical thoughts with parentheses or with commas) I give her a call to ask her opinion. (She likes parentheses, can you tell?) I know that the decisions I make affect her as well and I want to discuss the issue before I do something that may make her upset. (If she ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.)

When I got into an accident and my truck was totaled, I didn't go out and buy the first car for sale that I saw, but instead we looked at all the options we had and settled on what was best for us.

When we go out to dinner, I ask her where she wants to go rather than tell her we're going to Wendy's for their 99 cents value menu. (Always go with the Frosty)

But Wednesday, all the trust she'd built up with me was dashed. After a slow morning at work, I went home to get lunch when the phone rang. Because an ringing phone must be answered, I picked it up. (It's some subliminal urge to make the noise stop, I think. For some reason, people have trouble letting their answering machine or voice mail take the call, even if you don't want to talk to anyone.)

On the other end of the line was Yes Dear. She started out apologizingg to me. I knew this couldn't be good. She's the wife. According to the law of situation comedies, the wife only apologizes if she crashes her car into the neighbor's pool or if she sells the husband's cherished childhoold memento.

She goes on and on about not involving me in the decision-making process and she hopes I won't be mad. Now I'm starting to wonder if she sold her car for a camel to save gas money.

She then told me she didn't think I'd mind, but she accepted the job at Georgia Southern that she'd been offered.

I'm human, so while I'm excited she got the job, we're working on our trust issues. It may take some time.

Weekend plans: In addition to getting her new job, Yes Dear graduates Friday with her Masters Degree. Unfortunately, she hasn't hired anyone to take her place in the graduation ceremony. (By doing that, she could sit with her family and share the experience of watching "her" graduate with us.) It's also her father's birthday, so there's a joint party following the ceremony. Other than that, I don't have a clue what I'm doing this weekend.

Cubs update: The Cubbies acquiredd leadoff man extrodinairee Juan Pierre for next year. Having him at the top of the lineup should dramaticallyy improve our offense. I know it's December and I'm talking about baseball, but Georgia Southern football is done and I'm not a basketball fan, so this is all I have. Don't judge me.

Next Post: It'll actually probably be Tuesday. Yes Dear and her new co-workers are being treated to dinner by their boss. Apparently it's a blow-out extravaganza that's an hour away. It should be fun, but it's on Monday (my regular posting day.) If you need something to waste those five minutes of your day, I'd like to again recommend The Ex-Girlfriend Project.

Under Pressure

So Yes Dear got home from her interview at Georgia Southern last Friday and was much more worked up about it than I thought she'd be. After all, she's been working there for five of the seven years the building has been open and everyone there knows her extremely well. How hard could the interview have been?

As it turns out, much harder than she anticipated. Because they all knew her well, they were able to ask much deeper and probing questions then they otherwise would have been able to. All along, Yes Dear was figuring that her familiarity with those on the search committee would be a plus, but when it came time for questioning her, it turned into a detriment.

Instead of the "how would you describe your management style?" type questions, Yes Dear got "Your mentor has been Becky (not her real name), if we hired you, how would we know you wouldn't just be a puppet of Becky?" Not what she was expecting.

(Not to mention my previous mention of Yes Dear not getting a tour of campus or a tour of the city . . . If she's not hired, we're looking at a discrimination suit.)

She hopes to know something by the end of the week. If she could find out by Thursday, that would be ideal since she's graduating on Friday. (happy happy, joy joy. We do the dance of joy.)

Fantasy update: Sure, Heather Locklear is old enough to be my older sister, but she's still got "it." In other fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels had a fantastic week, going 2-0 on the week, even before the Monday Night games. In one league, I improved to 9-4 while in the other league, I improved to 6-7 in the other league. What does that mean for you, well, it means the playoffs are right around the corner and as soon as I lose, the Fantasy Updates go on hiatus for a few months. But don't worry, it'll most likely return at the beginning of baseball season.

Weekend update: After going to work in the morning, Yes Dear and I went out and picked out our Christmas Tree. Then we decorated it while watching football. Nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ quite like killing and tree and displaying the spoils of your conquest in your living room. That night, we went to a Christmas party with some friends and had a grand time. Sunday I had to work again and then I went to my parents for dinner while Yes Dear went to a Christmas Party. The only downside of the whole weekend is I forgot to tape Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Fortunately, NBC is in the crapper and there's a good chance they'll show that episode again soon since the Law & Order Series is basically the only thing they've got going for them at this point.

Christmas Update: We're about halfway though with our Christmas shopping. I still need to figure out what to get my dad and we need to get something for Yes Dear's mom and dad, but other than that, we're done. By the way, only 19 shopping days left.

Blog Update: My goal is to get away from the more personal updates and get back to writing more newspaper-type columns in this space. Most likely they'll be sports-centered, but every now and again I'll delve into something else.

Thanks again for making the Nexus of the Universe a part of your day. You've got thousands of choices and I appreciate you wasting five minutes of your day here.

Next Update: Thursday (no Friday update due to Yes Dear's graduation. It's ok, you can blame her for that, I am)

The waiting (Is the hardest part)

Desultory notes of interest:

Yes Dear Job Interview:

As of the writing of this entry, Yes Dear is currently on her job interview with Georgia Southern. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's going well, but I really don't' have any idea.

I do know she's not being treated the same as the other candidate who was there Wednesday night and Thursday. For example, no one picked up Yes Dear from our apartment this morning for her interview. The other candidate had someone meet her at the airport and drove her to Statesboro. Also, Yes Dear didn't get a tour of Georgia Southern's campus or of Statesboro. Just because she's been in Statesboro since 1998 is no reason not to give her a tour of the city.

Oddly enough, however, they are giving her a tour of the Recreation Activity Center (or RAC as the kids today are calling it), despite the fact that she's been working there on and off for five years, including the last two as a graduate assistant.

Crazy Party:

Next Friday, my wife is going to a "top off" party. When she told me that, I immediately thought of Brandi Chastain's celebration after winning the 1999 Women's World Cup and asked why the school would hold such a party. (Chastain instantly became the favorite player of millions of teenaged boys who, until that moment, never cared about women's soccer.)It seemed sexist and degrading to ask college gals to walk around without their tops off at a school-sanctioned event.

Then I asked if I could go.

She told me it had something to do with the expansion of the RAC and they were putting up the last beam or something. Really, if you're going to call it a "top off" party and invite college girls, you should really explain that aspect of the party first.

Drive-Thru banking:

So I went to deposit a couple checks at the bank today and rather than get out and actually interact with humans, I figured I'd use the drive-thru. (By the way, I abhor that spelling of "thru," but it's a losing battle and rather than fight that one, I'll save my energy for a much bigger, yet-to-be determined fight.) Little did I know that the SUV two cars ahead of me was going to get advice on how to manage his portfolio from the teller on the other side of the glass.

I must have sat in line for 10 minutes waiting for this jerk to analyze the stock market and call his broker a dozen times. Come on, we're at the drive through. Fill out deposit slip, give it to them and get your receipt. Anything requiring more than two steps by the teller means you should go inside, out of respect for your fellow man (or person, for the overly sensitive, PC crowd.)

I don't think there's a jury in the country that would have convicted me and my fellow motorists if we'd stuffed this guy into the little tube and sent him inside the bank by way of the suction tube. In fact, they might have given us keys to the vault and thanked us for our service to humanity.

Yes Dear Job Update:

As you may recall, Yes Dear interviewed at Appalachian State for a job with their campus recreation department. After leaving the interview, she wasn't real comfortable with the way they were doing some things and about a week later, she withdrew her name from consideration. I think the happiest person to hear about that was my boss. Apparently, he doesn't want me to leave. Granted, there are ways (*cough* $$$ *cough*) he could convey that message to me.

High School Football:

Despite my love of all things college football (including the Division II and Division III playoffs), I really don't care about high school football. For example, my high school is playing in the state championship game tonight in Statesboro and I'm not going.

I had to go cover a pep rally on Thursday for the team (here is where you make fun of my job) and I realized I really didn't care one iota if they won or not. I just wanted the rally to be over to so I could get some quotes for my story and go back to the office.

I may watch it on television, but there's a better chance of me watching some Law & Order reruns. For the sake of the few kids on know on the team, I hope they win, but when it comes down to it, I'll be cheering for Jack McCoy to put the perp away.

Have a great weekend. Be back Monday with another post.