What did I do to offend the Big Guy upstairs?

I don't get out as much as I'd like. I think it's because going out ususally involves an outflow of cash and being that I am currently living off of a Bob Cratchet salary with that income supplemented by a wife in Grad School, well, let's just say fine china isn't atop our list of weekly purchases.

So with the lack of financial income, Yes Dear and I are forced to be a little more creative with our outings. Since I'm a fairly large sports fan (large in the sense that I like sports a lot, not large in the "wow Luke, you should lose about 30 pounds before your heart explodes" kind of way), we end up going to a lot of Georgia Southern sporting events (as a student, she get's in free, and I'll ususally just get season tickets . . . my one big expendature for each quarter). Unfortunately, unless we want to go watch a bunch of high school kids at the various sports camps around campus, we're out of luck when it comes to going to sporting events in the summer.

So recently, we've started doing the next best thing. We've actually started playing sports . . . well, actually it's just one sport, tennis, and "playing" may be stretching the defintion of the word, it's more like hitting the ball back and forth with no score or competition.

Well, because of our work and class schedules (not to mention her work on her thesis . . . I can't wait for her to finish that!), we've unfortunatley been relegated to once a week for tennis. We were going to go on Sunday, but she had a meeting that was cancelled at the last minute and by that point, I'd resigned myself to a night on the couch, so we didn't go then.

Big mistake.

You see, for the past two days, I think God has been having second thoughts about the whole "Not destroying the earth with a flood again" promise he made back in the day. Granted, it hasn't been raining extremenly hard, but it really hasn't stopped during the day on Monday or Tuesday.

Tuesday night around 8:30, it looked like it had cleared up enough that we might get to go play, but soon after we got in the car, rain drops began falling like . . . well . . . rain.

So I've been cooped up in my apartment for the past two days, except when I go to work, where because of the rain and the fact that 98 percent of the people I interview for stories have been at a conference all week, I've basically been inside for 48 hours straight.

I can't take it any more. I don't see how people in Seattle or Great Britian live like this. It's rainy, gray and generally miserable, and it's only been two days. I'm pretty sure if I don't get outside to do something soon I'm going to drive myself "Tom Cruise Crazy" (I think it's only a matter of time before that becomes an officially recognized form of mental illness.)

Eventually God will make it stop raining, right? Please.

Link of the week (that may intrest only me): If I'd known this, I'd have had more dates in high school.

Cubs Update: A 2-0 win over the pesky Milwuakee Brewers Tuesday night. Kerry Wood returns to the mound today. Things are looking up for the Cubbies.

On Deck: One of two things, either a running diary of the greatest reality show ever created (if I can find the time to do that) or something else.
Next Update: Friday

Back in the saddle again

Well friends, after taking essentially a five-day break from blogging (which basically means I took Friday off), I'm back for my regularly scheduled blog update. (Admit it, you know you missed me . . . what's that . . . you didn't really . . . you found someone funnier to read and you're only here to tell me good-bye . . . Come on baby, take me back, I won't mistreat you again. . . If I'm going to take a day off posting, I'll let you know . . . don't do this to me baby, give me one more chance)

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, allow me to proclaim that the Chosen One, the Golden Child, the Savior of Wrigleyville has returned to lead his followers to the promised land.

That's right boys and girls, after missing only a month after being hit in the elbow with a line drive, Mark Prior assumed his rightful place on top of the pitching mound and gave hope to all the lost followers wandering in the desert of the baseball season.

Prior, the second overall pick in the 2001 draft, is considered by many to be the most complete pitcher in baseball today. He's got a fastball that he throws in the mid-90s, a curveball that he can throw for strikes whenever he wants (Sunday, on back to back hitters with 3-1 counts, Prior threw absolutely perfect curveballs for strikes before striking the batter out on the next pitch) and a slider he throws just often enough to keep hitters guessing.

However, the residents of Wrigleyville thought the Grinch had stolen their Christmas one month ago when a line drive hit off Prior's elbow, causing a fracture and many to speculate that his career may actually be over. That, combined with Nomar's groin muscle tearing from the bone at the beginning of the season was enough for many (including yours truly) to wonder what else could go wrong. Fortunately, the Cubbies regrouped and won 12 of 15 to put themselves in the thick of the wild card race. While struggling recently, the return of Prior and Kerry Wood (he pitches Wednesday) have given hope to even the most fatalistic of Cubs fans.

Unlike Mudville, there is joy in Wrigleyville, for we have hope. Granted, hope and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee at McDonalds, but we have hope. There's a chance that Prior will lead the Cubs to somewhere they haven't been since before World War II ended, the World Series.

Last year with the Red Sox, the talk was of Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez. Well, Prior is as dominating a pitcher as I've seen since Pedro from 1998-2002. He has a chance (if he can avoid the injury bug, which is a big if) to attain that level of greatness. Like Pedro last year, if Prior leads the Cubs to a World Series title, he'll be considered mythical. Songs will be written of his greatness, legends will be passed down from generation to generation about the boy with the golden arm.

Fasten your seatbelts fans, it's going to be an exciting summer. (Does it show that I may have a bit of a man crush on Prior?)

Weekend update: Saturday was spent watching baseball from 1 p.m. to 10 p.m. (Braves vs. Orioles, Cubs vs. White Sox and the College World Series). Also, Official Brother and I planned a summer trip for 2007 where we plan on visiting seven baseball stadiums in seven days (Atlanta, Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York Yankees, New York Mets and Boston). Why 2007, well, because he's a poor college student and I'm a poor journalist, so it'll take that long to accumulate the necessary revenue to make the trip.

Fantasy Update: Heather Graham didn't call, but the Fighting Squirrels had a winning week with one team going 8-7-2 to remain in sixth place (but only 9.5 games behind first) while the other team went 6-5-1 to hold on to fourth place.

Truck update: After going the weekend without my truck, it was fixed early Monday afternoon. Since I know absolutely nothing about automotive repair, I'm going to assume they waived a magic wand over the engine to make it work.

On Deck: My Wednesday Rant (I guess I'd better find something to rant about)
On the Horizon: My running diary of the greatest reality show ever created.
Next Update: Wednesday

Sorry, sorry . . .

I know, I know, I promised you a post today, but I'm not really in a writing mood, so I'll leave you with this . . . Elle McPherson and her longtime boyfriend have split up . . . so for all you single guys, good news, she's avaiable.


Single female, seeking blogger.

So both McPherson and Nicole Kidman are single . . . it's a great time to be alive if your a single male.


What was Tom thinking?

Have a great weekend all and I'll type to you again soon.

Weekend plans: Nothing (and that's just fine with me)
Vehicle update: My truck wouldn't start Thursday night. I think it's just a fuel pump. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it's nothing major.
Cubs Update: Currently losing to the White Sox 1-0 after one inning (Obviously this part will be outdated by the time you read this, but I'm trying)

Paying for the privledge of working

(Note: Something remarkably similar to this will be in a future edition of the Statesboro Herald)

Yes Dear doesn't let me go grocery shopping with her often. I think it's got something to do with me being "in the way" or only pointing out soda, candy and ice cream as all the nourishment we really need to survive.

So instead, I'm vanquished to our humble abode where I stay out of the way by playing video games or doing other necessary activities while she figures out the best way for us to not die from starvation.

But every now and again she lets me tag along with her to the store, but only if I promise not to say anything along the lines of "there's not enough sugar in that."

She especially lets me go if it's going to be a quick I-only-need-a-couple-of-things type trip. I guess she figures I can't cause that much trouble if we're only going to be there for 10 minutes.

It's on these quick trips that we usually use the self-checkout lines, much to my dismay.

For those husbands like me who don't get out to the grocery store often, stores now have lanes where you scan your groceries yourself and place them in the bags and put them back into your cart.

While it sounds like a good idea, especially for people who only have a few items, I've got a few issues with the system.

First of all, shouldn't I get some sort of discount for scanning my own groceries? I'm basically acting as an employee. After all, not 10 feet away is someone doing the exact same thing I'm doing, only she's wearing a company vest and name tag. She's also collecting a pay check for doing it.

I, on the other hand, am free labor. I get the feeling there are store managers watching us and muttering "Excellent," under their breath in a C. Montgomery Burns style.

After using the self-checkout, my receipt had the words "fast, easy, fun" printed at the top, apparently to try to convince me that being my own cashier was some sort of privilege I should be thankful for.

Granted, it probably was faster to use the self-checkout lane, and it was easy, especially when compared writing a 10 page essay on sport law.

But fun? I get the feeling that if I talked to the actual cashiers who work at the store, the word "fun" would not be used to describe their job.

When looking for something to do on the weekend, I've never looked at Yes Dear and said "You know what would be enjoyable? Let's head up to Wal-Mart and scan some groceries for a few hours. And after that, let's help unload their delivery truck and then stock some shelves."

Scanning groceries finishes just behind changing my own oil on my list of fun activities, coming in at number 2,957 of my yet to be released Top 3,000 Ways to Avoid Complete and Utter Boredom.

But it appears more and more stores are opting for the self-checkout lane approach. Could it be that in the not to distant future, cashiers will go the way of gas station attendants or music videos on MTV?

Will these keepers of the cash one day be a legend that I'll tell my children about, much like televisions without remote controls or that Tom Cruise was normal at one point in his life?

I wonder if this trend will catch on elsewhere. Maybe soon I'll have the honor of cooking my own meal at restaurants or cutting my own hair at barbershops.


Cubs Update: The injured Mark Prior may make his return Sunday. The Cubs, meanwhile, took one on the chin tonight, losing 9-4 to Milwaukee

Story of the week that may interst only me: Instead of actually playing baseball, the first two innings will be played with an X-Box .

On Deck: That's Rev. Luke to you

Next Update: Friday

ESPN, ESPN, my kingdom for ESPN

(Note: The following column appeared in the June 19, 2005 Statesboro Herald)

Hello, I'm Luke and I'm an ESPNaholic.

There, I've said it. After years of denial and telling myself I could quit anytime I wanted to, I'm finally ready to admit that ESPN has become an essential part of my life, and I'd be lost without it.

If the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" wants to show the Women's College World Series, I'll watch. If hockey ever comes back and ESPN decides to show it, I'll be there. If there's a World's Strongest Man competition being televised, I'll watch so I know who not to pick a fight with.

And it's not just ESPN. My satellite package also carries ESPNews (think CNN Headline News for sports fans) and ESPN Classic (think Turner Classic Movies, only instead of movies, they show classic sporting events.)

Yes, I realize watching old sporting events is practically pointless, especially when I already know the outcome, but have you seen the offerings on television lately?

Instead of Good Morning America or The Today Show to get me going before leaving for work in the morning, it's SportsCenter or a quick check of ESPNews before heading out the door.

But my obsession doesn't end there. Once inside my truck, I turn on ESPN radio where I get more analysis and details from the previous night in sports.

And once I get to the office, the first thing I do (even before checking my messages or email) is to turn ESPN radio on.

While some here in the office monitor the police scanner for useful information, I keep one ear glued to the radio in case some breaking sports news happens.

But wait, there's more. ESPN.com has several features they update daily that require me to visit their site several times while at work.

That website may be the single biggest factor in the decline of workplace productivity since the advent of the water cooler.

Somewhere between checking ESPN.com and listening to ESPN radio, I manage to actually get some work done. Usually it's during the commercial breaks or when they start talking about the NBA.

When I get home, I'll turn on the television in time to watch Pardon the Interruption, a show where two Washington Post sports columnists argue about the days sports news. I can rationalize this part of my ESPN addition by saying I'm supporting my newspaper brethren, but deep down, if it was on Fox Sports Net, I doubt I'd watch.

I can't remember a time when ESPN wasn't an essential part of my life. Even as a child, when I would get up in the morning before school, I'd have to watch SportsCenter before getting on the bus.

I'm not sure if Yes Dear is growing to like (or at least tolerate) sports or simply has resigned herself to the fact that ESPN is going to be a large part of my life. However, I have come home to find her watching ESPN when I'm not there.

(This may be the first step towards naming our future child "Espn" after the network. Maybe we could name a second child "The Deuce" after ESPN2.)

Between watching, reading or listening (even as background noise), I spend roughly two-thirds of my waking hours exposed to something related to ESPN.

(And to think, I don't even subscribe to ESPN The Magazine, published on Earth, The Planet. That's an untapped ESPN outlet I need to explore.)

This is the part of the column I think I'm supposed to pledge to change my ways and become more well-rounded, but I don't want to change.

To paraphrase 80s pop star Robert Palmer, "I might as well face it, I'm addicted to ESPN."

Weekend Update: Just one day after getting my air conditioner fixed, we left the comforts of home for South Carolina to visit the in-laws. Other than watching Yes Dear's brother's hockey game and going out to dinner on Saturday, there wasn't much to report. Sunday we met our new associated pastor and finished off the laundry. By sleeping in my own bed on both Saturday night and Sunday night, it marked the first time in seven days that I spent back to back nights in my bed. Other places I slept included a recliner, a sofa bed and the floor at my in-laws (when their kids moved out, they got rid of the double beds, so it was the floor for me Friday night).

Cubs Update: The Cubs were swept by the New York Yankees over the weekend. We're now 34-33. (For more Cubs info, see "Useless info" below)

Fantasy update: Angie Harmon still hasn't called me, but the Fighting Squirrels had a good week, going 11-6-0 in one league and remain in sixth place (but only 9.5 games back). In the other league the Fighting Squirrels went 8-4-0 to move into fourth place.

Useless information that may be intersting to only me: The Cubs are 0-7 all time in Yankee Stadium.

On Deck: Wednesday Rant about self-checkout at supermarkets.

Help me Rhonda, help, help me Rhonda

Yes Dear and I don't go out of town a lot. Between her classes and my work, it's tough to find time and even when we do find time, we're not always anxious to load up the car, drive for a few hours, spend a day or two somewhere and then drive home. Sometimes it's just easier to relax at home.

But like most people, one of the first things we do when we get home is check our messages. Sadly, we use the number of messages we have on our machine to determine the amount of love our friends have for us. For example, if we leave town for a weekend and have no messages when we get home, we come to the only rational conclusion that can be reached - no one loves us.

Air Conditioner update: We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog entry for an important bulletin. When I arrived home from work tonight, I was greeted by the cool air that can only come from a massive refrigerator being installed in our guest room or from a fully functioning air conditioner. After a quick check of the house to determine if we needed to find a new place to stay when friends visit, I deduced that our air conditioner was, indeed, working. My suspicions were confirmed when I felt the cool, conditioned air coming from a vent overhead. With the recent developments, plans for a four-state killing spree have been scrapped. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

While we check our messages daily, my parental units go days at a time without checking. If it wasn't for Official Brother living there, I'm not sure they'd ever know if we called them.

But now, faithful readers, I need your help. We've had the same message on our machine since we got married. (It was one of the first things we did when we got back from our honeymoon. For some reason, Yes Dear wanted people to know she'd taken my last name.)

However, after nearly two years, it's time for a change. I've decided I want a musical number to greet our callers when they dial us up, but I can't pick the song. So far, I've narrowed it down to three choices.

1.) "What's your name" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

2.) "Hello, I love you" by The Doors

3.) "Who are you?" by The Who

Please post your vote in the comments section (you're free to go off the board if you want) and I'll let you know what we go with sometime in the near future.

Weekend plans: Heading to Charleston, S. C. to visit Yes Dear's family Friday and Saturday before returning home Sunday for another fun-filled day of laundry.
Cubs Update: Off day on Thursday before starting a three-game series with the Yankees
On Deck: My addiction to ESPN

Attention shoppers, 2-for-1 sale on aisle seven

Wednesday's are for ranting. It's a time for me to vent my frustrations at the world around me. Sometimes I'll actually have important stuff to rant and rave about. Then there's today, where I really don't have much to complain about, so I'm offering a two-for-one special. You get to read my complaints about two totally unrelated topics. (Hey, no, please don't leave. I'll try to make it entertaining. Come on, give it a shot.)

Michael Jackson:

Law & Order didn't do an episode about the Michael Jackson saga that I saw, so I really don't know if he did what he was accused of doing or not. But more importantly, I don't care.

Apparently I'm in the minority in my apathy towards the Jackson verdict because the mainstream media covered the case more throughly than the Clinton impeachment. I couldn't turn on the television over the past few weeks and not see something about Michael Jackson (with the strange exception of Law & Order. That, I would have watched.)

CNN, FOX News and the other 24-hour "news" channels covered this trial as though the fate of the world hinged on it's outcome. E! (and why the channel needs an exclamation point, I have no idea) actually devoted half an hour each day to do re-enactments of the trial since cameras weren't allowed inside the courtroom. E! is an entertainment channel and they covered the trial.

I still don't know why I'm supposed to care. Sure, Michael Jackson was larger than life in the 1970s and 80s, but I couldn't name anything he's done since 1993 (with the possible exception of fondle children.)

But when the verdict was read Monday, where was I? I, along with every reporter in the office at the time, were gathered around the television to hear the verdict. (Now, granted, part of that was to avoid actually have to work, but there was a part of me that wanted to know what happened.) We were all watching, but I think we all had the "I can't believe I'm actually going to watch this" face.

And, to make matters worse, we, like probably every other newspaper in the country, made the Jackson verdict the lead story in Tuesday's paper. Let's not worry about genocide in the Sudan or a massive earthquake that hit, Michael Jackson was found not guilty. No wonder people have such a low approval rating of the media.

My air conditioner:

As one of my readers, Morris Workman, accurately described in one of his comments, the only thing in common between Michael Jackson and my broken air conditioner is they both were full of hot air.

There are times when a broken air conditioner isn't bad in south Georgia. Those times are December and January. Other than that, there's a chance you'll need to run the A/C during the other 10 months.

However, the absolute worst time for the air to go out would be in the middle of June during the worst heat wave of the year so far. But on Monday, while Michael Jackson was awaiting his fate, my air conditioner decided enough was enough and stopped cooling my apartment. Unfortunately, with Yes Dear and myself at work all day, we didn't find out about the broken air conditioner until about 6 p.m. Monday night. At that time, it was about 87 inside our apartment. We were less than pleased.

Knowing that there was a better chance of Michael Jackson getting a job at Disneyland than sleeping in our apartment that night, we reviewed our options. Fortunately, my parents live in town, so we called over there to inform them we'd be staying there that night. Unfortunately, my mom had surgery that day and she'd was going to be sleeping in the guest room while dad was in his room.

That meant sleeping on the fold-out sofa for the night. When I was a kid, I thought putting a bed inside a couch was the coolest thing modern man had ever invented. As it turns out, the bed that was fun to sleep on as a child is perhaps the most uncomfortable contraption ever made.

To make matters worse, Yes Dear decided that she should have the "middle half" of the bed, leaving me clinging for dear life as I tried to get some sleep. After an hour of trying to get comfortable, I decided I wasn't going to sleep well on the couch bed, so I made a move for the recliner. Not the best night of sleep I'd ever had.

On Tuesday, our landlord said he'd have someone out there that day to fix our air conditioner (this is the third time in five weeks we've had to get someone to look at it, including putting a new air conditioner in and a new thermostat. You'd think that would have solved the problem, but no).

The repair men got there about 3:30 and when I got home from work at 5:45, they were still there, trying to solve the problem. By this time, the air in our apartment was a not-so-cool 89 degrees. Fortunately, however, they did get cold air blowing out of the vents. Unfortunately, we had to spend the rest of the night trying to cool down the apartment. By the time I woke up this morning, our apartment was finally a reasonable 76 degrees.

Sadly, as I was leaving for work today the tempreature was rising and it was 80 inside the apartment, despite the fact that the thermostat was set for 76. If it's broken when I get home today, I'm going to be very not happy.

Air Conditioner Update:

Well, I got home from work for dinner and the thermostat read 85, much hotter than the 76 I was hoping for. I called my landlord (again) and he said he'd have somone out there (again) to take a look at it. As for tonight, it's looking like another night in a recliner (again.) I'm not going to be a happy camper at work tomorrow.

Cubs Update: 34-29 (2nd in the NL Central)
Mother update: Mom's surgery didn't fix her hernia for some reason. What happens next, she's not sure (she said Monday she wasn't going to have another surgery, it was a one-shot deal to fix it)
On deck: Good question, perhaps more venting about my air conditioner.

My first and last political post

First of all, you may have noticed that the comments have all disappeared. That's because late Saturday night, I decided to add halo scan to my blog, which basically creates a pop up box for comments. Unfortunately, but adding halo scan, it erased all the previous messages on my blog up to that point. Rest assured, I did read them all and apprecite you taking the time to visit my little wall space of cyber space (I don't have a corner because the corners only go to the higher ups, as a lowly blogger, I don't have a corner office yet). Several of the other blogs I read have it, so I figured I'd jump on board with them.

Now, on with the show.

I'm not an overly political person. One of my brothers is a die-hard Decmocrat while my other brother thinks our current president is the greatest politician since George Washington. (Here I'd like to offer an appology to my Canadian readers, the following is going to be about American politics. You may or may not be interested, but if you're not, feel free to skip ahead to the Weekend Update)

I, on the other hand, feel like baby bear (from Goldilocks and the three bears). I'm right in the middle and basically feel the need to vote against all the incumbents all the time. It's frustrating to no end to have America's two major political parties hijacked by the lunatic fringe and see both parties cater to their extremes until election time roles around.

Speaking of elections, I feel like I need to take a shower after each election commercial I see. Each one is worse than the previous one with no candidate actually saying what they'd do to make this country any better. They spend all their time telling me why the other candidate would make the country worse.

No wonder people are distrustful of politicians. They all protray themselves as the lesser of two evils.


I often wonder if the "Christian Right" knows what a Christian is.
(Sorry about the size, click on the picture and it magically becomes bigger)

Oh well. I guess frustration is all I get for paying attention. At least now I know both parties are looking out for themselves and how they can consolidate and keep power and are not worried about average Joe Citizen like me.

Weekend Update: Yes Dear came home from here three-day workshop Friday night, so we went out to dinner and rented "Meet the Fockers" (A solid 'B', nothing spectacular, but not a bad movie.) Saturday saw me have to work in the morning, followed by a full day of baseball watching, interruped only by the Belmont. Sunday saw church in the morning followed by more work and then an afternoon of laundry. Yep, I have all the excitement.

Fantasy Update: Mila Kunis still hasn't returned my calls, but in other Fantasy news, the Fighting Squirrels had a decent week, going 10-7 in one league to stay in sixth place while falling 3-7-2 to fall to a tie for fifth place.

Useless fact that may interst only me: Bozo the Clown's grandson was drafted in the Major League Baseball Draft with the 37th overall pick. Those giant red shoes should help on close plays.

On Deck: My Wednesday Rant on either the Michael Jackson case (and it has nothing to do with the verdict) or my air conditioner, which is out again!

Repent, or something like that

I'm not what you would call a web surfer. That's not to say I don't spend more than my fair share of time on this here interweb thingy. My wife still thinks I spend to much time in front of the computer (especially when I spend all day in front of a computer . . . but the funny thing is that my computer at work doesn't have the Internet. That's right. In the year 2005, the newspaper for which I work still hasn't upgraded all its workstations to have Internet capabilities. There's a great big information superhighway out there and I can't get out of the garage, but I digress.)

Anyway, usually I rely on others to tell me about cool sites I need to waste my time at. For example:

• www.fark.com (It's not news, it's Fark)
• www.ebaumsworld.com (fun, games, and strange videos)
• www.collegehumor (for those in college or those who refuse to grow up)

But every now and again, I'll stumble across something before anyone else in the office finds it. While I'm not sure if anyone else here found Landover Baptist first, no one mentioned it, so I'm taking credit.

Landover Baptist is a "Fundamentalist, Independent Baptist Church. We are 157,000 members strong. Our Church Campus is located in Freehold, Iowa." On it's main page, they have a disclaimer informing visitors that they have an injunction against all unsaved people that prohibits them from visiting their website or being within 10 miles of their church. That should be people's first clue that this is an elaborate satire, but as with most good satires, people miss the boat.

Besides, where else can I learn if breastfeeding is a gateway sin or why Jesus had long hair "like a homo." I need a site to tell me if our American Soldiers are doing enough to torture the unsaved Iraqis.

The site also has a Kristian Kids Korner with answers to popular kids questions such as "Will I see grandpa naked at the rapture?" (Short answer, no, you won't, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't read) Heck, they've trademarked the phrase True Christian (I'm not sure if that's anything like a true Yankee.)

Of course, as with any site like this, there are the required letters claiming everything from this site made my parents throw away my pokemon cards to confused people trying to figure out if the site is real.

As a Christian, I suppose I'm supposed to find the site offensive, but I can't help but think the wacky fundamentalist Christians deserve a good mocking. I could spend the next few hours digging up various articles from their site, but I think you'll have a much better time if you quit reading here and start reading here. (Go ahead and click it, I'll be here when you get back. Make sure you check out the Godly Sex page too.)

Reading sites like Landover Baptist or The Onion (or, for you sports fans, The Sports Pickle) make me realize that while I find that type of humor immensely funny, it's unfortunately not the sense of humor I have. I lack the cynicism and sarcastic wit that the creators of these sites have. This makes me sad.

I guess I'm stuck with my observational humor instead. For example, do you think the San Antonio Spurs are jealous that the Pistons have Rachel Nichols covering them while Shelley Smith is their reporter for ESPN? (I suspect a heavy amount of airbrushing on Smith's photo.)These are the things that keep me up at night (and why this hasn't been addressed by the mainstream media is a mystery. Any of you out there with a sports column, please write about this. I need answers.)

Weekend plans: Not much (which will make for a boring Weekend Update post on Monday)

Where's the Jesus vs. G.W. Bush commercial you promised?: I couldn't ever find a way to make it fit in with my ramblings, so look for it this weekend or Monday.

On Deck: Something non-sports related . . . in an effort to reach out to you non-sports fans out there.

Where have you gone, Herm Edwards?

I hate to disappoint those of you expecting my Wednesday Rant about grocery shopping, but something else came up that's been on my mind.

So without further delay, I give you my Wednesday Rant, entitled:
Where have you gone, Herm Edwards, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you?

Monday night, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Orange County, California and Western Hemisphere's Darin Erstad absolutely leveled the Braves' Johnny Estrada at a play at the plate. (This is the part of the story where sportscasters mention Erstad played football at the University of Nebraska (I'm assuming that was back when that meant something) Anyway, they usually fail to mention he was a punter - being a former soccer player, I prefer to think of punters as soccer players who sold out - A PUNTER?!? Calling Erstad a football player is like calling the Kansas City Royals a baseball team. While technically true, a real football player wouldn't admit to punters being a football player.)

Being a misplaced Cubs' fan stuck in the heart of Braves' Country, I've had to listen to bitter Braves' fans bemoan the fact that Erstad played dirty. They've been complaining that he could have slid around Estrada and still scored, but in the immortal words of Herm Edwards, "You play to win the game." If you don't want to get hit, get out of the way.

The problem is many Braves' fans fail to admit that if it were one of their guys who plowed into the catcher, they'd be praising the hustle and talking about what an awesome play it was.

And there lies the problem with sports fans. Seemingly rational adults who are productive members of society lose the ability to be objective when it comes to "their" team. Everything is seen though the lens of "my team" and not from the fair, objective perspective. (You can't see me, but as I'm writing this, I have a Cubs hat and Cubs watch on and just finished following the Cubs game on the Internet here at work).

As a Cubs fan, I don't believe Steve Bartman (may he rot in hell, God rest his soul - obscure "Family Guy" reference) is the reason the Cubs lost the 2003 National League Championship Series (poor defense and the inability for Kerry Wood to hold a lead in Game 7 are the real reasons). That being said, I do believe the Cubs' are cursed and we have to find a way to break the curse before we'll win the World Series (yeah, that's where I lose my objectivity).

Sure, being a fan is fun and arguing about this or that is what makes sports such common factor in our society, but take off the team-colored glasses every now and again and try to be a rational person when it comes to arguing sports. Reasonable people can disagree, but raving, die-hard fans are not reasonable and not worth debating.

Softball Update: In a shocking turn of events, Michigan (the less pretty team) defeated UCLA 4-1 to win their first NCAA Softball Title.
Cubs Update: 2-0 winners over Toronto
On Deck: My thoughts on Landover Baptist plus a George Bush vs. Jesus commercial you won't want to miss.
On the Horizon: My addiction to ESPN

Watch out Vegas, Yes Dear's on her way

With Yes Dear out of town to take a certification for her career and absolutely nothing on television worth my time, I figured now would be as good a time as any to give you Yes Dear's sure-fire way to pick the winners of a college softball game.

"But Luke," you may thinking, "I've never even thought about college softball, much less trying to pick winners in the games. After all, I've got more important things to worry about like making sure my kids are doing what they're supposed to or picking up the dry cleaning or arranging to have my husband murdered and framing my boss for the crime."

And while I admit those are all good excuses, but stick with me here, it's not as hard as you think.

"But Luke," you're again thinking, "why are you watching college softball in the first place? I thought you had better things to do with your time."

Ah, another astute observation. But what you fail to recognize is that as a married man, watching college girls is essentially a forbidden fruit. It's like sneaking out in high school to a party with your friends when you've been grounded for sneaking out last week to go to a party with your friends. If you're caught, there are repercussions, and not the go-to-your-room-and-think-about-what-you've- done kind but the son-we-got-you-an-ankle-monitor-and-have-instructed-the-police-to-shoot-you-if-you're-out-past-ten kind of repercussions. It's not something you risk.

But sports, on the other hand, are something Yes Dear is slowly growing to actually be interested in. I can watch sports with no repercussions. If college girls happen to be playing those sports, then I can always say "I'm watching for the thrill of competition."

But enough about that, you're here to learn how to pick college softball games. Well, Yes Dear and I were watching a game last Friday and she looks at me and said "Arizona's going to win, their team has prettier girls."

Sure enough, Arizona won the game.

While I don't think the method is fool proof, it seems to be a fairly good indicator as to how teams will do. However, Texas did manage to lose despite what I'm sure was stellar play from their catcher, Megan Willis


Jennie Finch must have been undefeated in college.

Another thing I've noticed is that there appears to be a disproportionate amount of blondes that play softball. Not many redheads or brunettes play, or at least play well enough to make it to the Women's College World Series. I have absolutely no idea why this would be.

Anyway, right now Michigan is leading UCLA in a do-or-die game for the Lady Wolverines. While they may win this game, I'm betting UCLA takes the winner-take-all game tomorrow. I mean, have you seen their bench?!?

What I'm watching: Women's College World Series
Cubs Update: Currently trailing to Toronto 3-2
On Deck: My Wednesday Rant.

We can never have anything nice

Growing up in a house where I was the oldest of three boys, things tended to get broken often. I guess it was to be expected when we'd play hallway soccer or just throw the football around the living room while watching a game.

As a result, my parents didn't tend to buy expensive things as there was a better than average chance one of us would end up doing something to break it sooner rather than later.

That's how I feel about the Cubs right now. Sure they've won nine of their last 11 (following their 4-1 loss to Toronto tonight), but look at their roster. Kerry Wood has been out for several weeks, Joe Borowski missed two months with a broken hand, starting second baseman Todd Walker missed eight weeks with a knee injury he sustained in the first two weeks of the season. And let's not forget Nomar, who ripped his groin muscle from the bone. (I can only imagine that's as painful as it sounds).

But the mother of all injuries was seeing a line drive hit off the elbow of Mark Prior. (Read that again, a batted baseball, probably traveling at 120 miles per hour, hit off a man's elbow. Stop what you're doing right now and hit your elbow with your knuckles. It hurts. Now imagine a baseball doing that.)


The Cubs can't ever have anything nice.

I nearly cried when I saw the news flash on ESPNews. I hadn't seen the highlights, but if it's important enough for ESPNews to flash their "breaking news" over the message, I knew it wasn't good.

I guess we (and by "we" I mean the Cubs) were lucky. Doctors said it was only a compression fracture and already he was playing catch with the trainers. There's no time table for his return, but if the Cubs are going to have any hope whatsoever of making the playoffs, a healthy Mark Prior will be the key.

Weekend update: Well, you've already read about my wine tasting evening (if you haven't, keep scrolling down) on Friday. On Saturday, we went to have dinner with some friends and then played cards. (If you don't play spades, this next part may bore you . . . feel free to skip it, I won't mind). Matt and I were down 433 to -36 in a game to 500. However, though a series of fortunate events that could not have turned out any more perfectly, we managed to come back to win by a 536 to 308 score.

Fantasy update: Catherine Zeta-Jones still hasn't called me, but in other Fantasy News, the Fighting Squirrels had a stellar week, winning 8-4 in one league and 12-4 in the other. The Fighting Squirrels are now in fifth and sixth place with plenty of time to make a move.

What I'm watching: Women's softball on ESPN (come back Wednesday for Yes Dear's sure fire method of picking the winning team)
On my radio: ESPN Radio
On deck: My Wednesday Rant about going to the grocery store.

I'm back baby!

Alright, so I took a month off from blogging. Not good on my part, I'll admit it. I got into a little funk and didn't really feel like writing (by the way, when you're a professional writer and you don't feel like writing, well, lets just say that makes for some very not good times at work.)

Anyway, in the words of George Costanza, "I'm back baby."


George always had a way of making an entrance

I'm not going to promise you nightly updates (nor would you want them,) but I will do my best to update this thingy three times a week, most likely on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's (that's the goal anyway, we'll see how it goes.) By the way, I'm not expecting tonight's entry to be all that great, but I'm working my way back into the swing of things, give me a couple days.

Wine Tasting:
So Yes Dear and I were invited to a wine tasting tonight with some of her coworkers (I was told it was a very selective party by invite only, but how selective could it be, they let me come).

Anyway, inviting me to a wine tasting is like inviting a diabetic to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I don't drink. I've got nothing against people who do. In fact, our crime reporter essentially makes her living off the fact that people like to imbibe a bit of the alcohol from time to time.

A lot of people assume there's some religious reason for my lack of alcohol consumption, but that's not the case. Heck, Jesus didn't mind turning water into wine, so I don't know why the religious right has a problem with it. No, I don't drink because of my personality.

I've come to discover that I've got an addictive personality, especially with new things. Yes Dear was on the verge of taking a hammer to my PS2 right after the new Madden 2005 came out last year. Anytime she asked me to do something, the answer was invariably "after this game." When I first started blogging, you probably noticed there were almost daily updates. I couldn't get enough of it.

Which brings me back to alcohol. I'm scared that if I like it (which I have no doubt I'd find something I liked), I'd end up drinking a bit to much. (alright, I'd end up like a drunken sailor in my boxers running in the street and making chicken noises at passing cars . . . or as Scott call it, "Thursday.")

So basically, I enjoyed my Coke from Chick-Fil-A and watched as people enjoyed their wine (some more than others, which always makes for a good time.) I think someone may have been slipping some wine to the dogs there, as by the end of the night, one of them started feeling a little frisky, much to the dismay of the other dog. (Oh yeah, they're both male dogs . . . but it did lead to an interesting story about those two and the neighbor's female dog and their habit of having a three-way in the neighbor's lawn. I had no idea dogs liked oral sex until tonight.)

What I'm watching: The Cubbies
What I'm reading: www.landoverbaptist.org (this site deserves it's own column, coming soon.)
On Deck: A week after Mark Prior's injury, I'm finally ready to talk about it.