Stuck in a state of confusion

So my beloved Chicago Cubs just traded the face of the team for the past decade, Sammy Sosa. I really don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, he had to go. Leaving early from the team's last game in 2004 as well as his constant bickering with manager Dusty Baker meant something had to happen. Add to that the fact that he hasn't spoken with anyone in the Cubs organization since he left and I understand the reasoning behind getting him out of Chicago.

On the other hand, he was the Cubs from 1998-2004. He led them to the playoffs twice in that span, set all kinds of homerun records and, for the most part, was the model player, always playing hard and seeming enjoying himself.

I'm sure many Cubs fans, including myself, will look to Nomar Garciaparra to become the face of the Cubs, which is extremely ironic considering Nomar was the face of the Red Sox until he and the organization had a falling out in the winter of 2003 and he was traded in July 2004 to the Cubs.

Hopefully I can figure this out soon, but as of now, I miss Sammy Sosa.

The life and near death experiences of 'Fluffy'

I'm not a cat person. Never have been and most likely never will be. It's not that I don't like them, but . . . well, I don't like them.

Cats seem boring to me. (For that matter, the musical "Cats" was very boring, but I don't think this has anything to do with my dislike of the felines). The don't fetch, they won't play with you. You can't throw a tennis ball in the yard and have a cat bring it back to you and beg you to do it again. The next time I see a cat jump into a lake to fetch a stick will be the first.

So why do I bring up cats, especially if I don't have one. Well, every night driving home, I pass by this house on the corner where they have a white cat. I have absolutlely no idea what this cat's name is and have never seen the owners address this cat by name, so I christened it 'Fluffy.'

'Fluffy' appears to have a death with involving a pickup truck. Whenever I'm driving my truck home, 'Fluffy' does his or her best to run in front of the truck, even though he or she is confortably safe on the side of the road. It doesn't matter which side of the road 'Fluffy' is on. 'Fluffy' has been on its owner's yard and darted in front of me just for the fun of it, and vice versa.

This doesn't happen when we take Yes Dear's car. 'Fluffy' remains where he or she is and watches us drive by before embarking on whatever trip he's about to take. It's uncanny. I can't explain it and it drives me nuts.

I'm scared I'm going to hit this poor cat and have to go to the owners and say "I killed fluffy. I'm sorry," and I'll get blank stares until I point to their beloved family pet motionless on the road. But I promise, the cat has a death wish, it's not my fault.

What I'm watching: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
What I'm reading: Sports Illustrated
On Deck: Yet another cat story, this one involving death that also wasn't my fault.

Ethical delimmas of the poor sports fan

I'm a huge Chicago Cubs fan. Have beensince I was eight and first discovered them on WGN playing in the afternoonwhen I got home from school. What a treat it was to be able to come homefrom long division and get away from the pressures and stresses of thirdgrade and just relax watching a baseball game.

Skip ahead 18 years, and we find me still a Cubs fan, still using baseballas an escape from the everyday grind of life. (only now I don't get recessand have the responsibility of a job. Why is it people want to grow up again?)

Unfortunately, despite having a nice job (you're right, "nice" may be a stretch . . . let's just say I have a job), my income isn't enough to paythe bills AND purchase the attire needed to showcase my fandom. So I have to improvise.

Case in point, the Cubs acquired Nomar Garciaparra lastJuly from the Boston Red Sox. Now I definately don't have the finances to afford every new jersey of every guy the Cubs get, but I've been a fan ofNomar since his rookie year in 1997, and when the Cubs acquired him, I wasecstatic.

Unfortunately, Nomar was a free agent and though the Cubs resigned him to a one-year deal, that's not enough stability for me to plunk donw a cool $120 for a jersey that may be obsolete in a year. So what's a fan to do?

Well, fortunately for me, I've always liked the Red Sox jerseys, andonce Nomar was traded, prices for his Red Sox jerseys were drastically cut, bringing them into my price range. However, Parental Unit has a rule about buying things for yourself after October, she won't allow it. With Christmas only a few months away, she's usually worried that we'll purchase something for ourselves that she's either already bought, or is planning on buying for Christmas.

As it turns out, I didn't get it for Christmas, but for my birthday, Yes Dear got me a Nomar Red Sox jersey.I wear it with my Cubs hat and it all works out nicely. (Unfortunately, I won't be able to show off my new jersey at Georgia Southern's season openeragainst Georgia Tech because Nomar was a Yellow Jacket in his college days.

Law & Order Corner:

Continuing our countdown of the top characters on Law & Order, this week, I present Dennis Farinaas detective Joe Fontana. First off, Farina comes into a tough situation.He's following a legend in Jerry Orbach (look for him near the top of thelist . . . I haven't fixed my top two yet, but he's there) and he's onlybeen on the show for half a season so far. I've been impressed with Farinaand find him believable. The chemistry between Farina and Jesse L. Martinseems to be getting better (Martin is an underrated part of the show, asfar as I'm concerned). I get the feeling if I did this in 3 years, Farinawould be much higher on the list.

What I'm watching: Nothing (stupid work)
What I'm reading: www.i-aa.org
On Deck: The life and near death experiences of "Fluffy"

Where's my piece of the pie?

So I'm sitting at work one day recent, underpaid and underappreciated as usual. But to make up for it, I'm overworked, so it balances out.

I'm sitting there minding my own business (never a good thing for a reporter to be doing by the way, since it’s my job to be in other people’s business) when I read about nationally syndicated writer Armstrong Williams getting paid $241,000 to promote President Bush’s No Child Left Behind bill and I think to myself, that was a waste of money, I’d have done it for less than a tenth of that.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if the government is going to bribe people to promote something it feels needs to be promoted (or, as they called it in Nazi Germany, propaganda), the smart money is spending $5,000 for 48 columnists to give their support to the bill. Heck, find a young columnist fresh out of college, possibly someone who has been married less than two years and whose wife is getting her Master’s degree, and dangle the prospect of making a quarter of his yearly salary by writing two or three columns about something and WHAM, you’ve gotten your message in 48 markets across the country.

In unrelated news, as of Sunday, I’m now closer to 50 than I am to zero. Turning 26 wasn’t nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be, at least, not at first. Despite the fact that there are kids in middle school who weren’t even born when I started middle school, I felt ok with the prospect of turning old.

That was until I played racquetball with Official Brother Monday afternoon. I’ll admit I’m not in the best shape, but unfortunately, my mind doesn’t recognize that fact. In my mind, I’m still the guy who played soccer 4-5 times a week, often for two hours or more, and could still go play a game or two of basketball afterwards.

As it turns out, I’m but a shell of that person. After falling behind 3-0, I rallied to take a 6-3 lead. Official Brother battled back to make it 8-8 and then the wheels fell off. My lungs were burning and I was gasping for breath. What happened to the guy who once played 280 minutes of soccer in a weekend?

Unfortunately, he’s been located under five good years of nothing but watching sports and eating potato chips.

Unfortunately, my life has turned into a Bruce Springsteen song:

Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
a little of the glory of, well time slips away
and leaves you with nothing mister but
boring stories of glory days.

However, I do plan on getting into decent shape. However, as friends of mine have told me, “I am in shape. Round is a shape.”

What I’m Watching: Law & Order: SVU
What I’m Reading: Double Play (actually, I just ordered it, I’ll start reading it next week)
On Deck: Dilemmas of a poor sports fan.

Is it possible I'm not as smart as I think I am?

I'm beginning to believe what Yes Dear tells me all the time, especially when it comes to conversations with Official Brother.

You see, for the most part, Official Brother and I have the same sense of humor. At this point, we've each seen the same shows enough to know what the other is thinking when it comes time to make a joke.

We might be watching something on television and one of those annoying promotions will pop up in the corner of the screen, reminding us that American Idol debuts soon or that there's a new episode of Joey coming up next, and we'll both race to be the first to quote Tim Meadows from a Saturday Night Live sketch mocking cable news and their over reliance on graphics.

"Here's a picture of the Terminator. Yeah, that's cool."

I bring this up because today at work, Sports Guy was talking about a conversation he had with his girlfriend in which they were comparing African-American and British literature. It didn't go like this:

Him: So, African-Americans write stuff.
Her: Yeah, so do the British.
Him: You know, they both write in English.
Her: Yeah, and they both read from left to right.

Apparently it went into the deep social and political aspects of the different writers and their effect on society. Sports Guy said this went on for quite a while.

It was at that point I realized I'm not smart enough to talk to him anymore.

While he and his girlfriend were analyzing literature and actually having something important to say, Official Brother and I talk about things that directly affect our everyday life.

Take New Year's Day, for example. ABC decided it would change from their "box" graphic to show the score, down and distance, and time for football games to the FOX-like line across the top of the screen. However, ABC's graphic only extends about halfway across the screen, unlike FOX's graphics which seem to have a lot of wasted space. (These are the things I think about, seriously)

For about 99.44 percent of Americans watching the games that day, it didn't really matter and probably didn't even warrant a mention.

Not so for Official Brother and myself. We spent the better part of 45 minutes discussing the pro's and con's of the new graphic, as well as the possible reasoning for switching from something new with only four games remaining in the season. We also wondered why ESPN didn't switch during its plethora of bowl games leading up to and including New Year's Day. (ABC and ESPN are both owned by Disney).

As for conclusions, Official Brother said he liked the new graphics while I preferred the "old" graphics that had been used for about five years.

I'm beginning to think I really need something better to do with my time.

What I'm watching: I Love the 90s; Part Deux
In my Playstation2: Madden 2005
On Deck: Why I've asked Armstrong Williams to give the president my phone number

If Ben Stein's the exciting one in your duo . . .

Remember Ben Stein? He had a hit game show on Comedy Central (which was really a showcase for Jimmy Kimmel's quick wit. I watch the reruns now on the Game Show Network and I'd forgotten just how funny that show was. Yet, for some reason, Kimmel's late-night show sucks. Someone explain this to me.) Anyway, I first became aware of Stein when he played the monotone teacher in the classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (Bueller, Bueller. Anyone, anyone? I love that!)

So why do I bring up Ben Stein? Well, he's the only guy I could think of to compare our local sports radio "personality" (a term I use in the loosest sense of the word) to. Imagine Stein's character in Ferris Bueller without the enthusiasm or happy-go-lucky persona, and that's the local hack they gave a daily two-hour radio show to here. It's absolutely ghastly.

The name of the show is "Ted & the Team," but apparently, the team has been on strike since the show began. As best as I can tell, he has about three guests a week and spends more time talking about the Georgia Bulldogs than the Georgia Southern Eagles, the school that happens to reside in the same town he works in. And callers, forget about it. I don't think he'd know what to do if that phone rang. However, I've obtained an exclusive transcript of the host trying to call a person named Lois.

Ted: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Ted: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113.

To say the show is bad would be a gross misrepresentation of the word "bad." "Unlistenable" comes to mind, but that conjures up images of Ashlee Simpson, and no good comes from that.

One of the regular "features" on Ted's show is the reading of the schedules. That's right, ladies and gentleman, this sports talk show as devolved into listening to a man read the upcoming NFL schedule on a Tuesday. But wait, there's more. He's always more than happy to read the conference schedule for the SEC, the ACC and the Southern Conference, but don't expect any insight or observations about the game. And it's not like he has a "radio" voice. It's kind of a nasally voice that, if you listen to it long enough, with either drive you into a trance or drive you to kill a man just to see what it feels like.

And to make matters worse, our local station would rather run this garbage than the Sports Bash, a fantastic ESPN radio show that despite it's overhype of the NFL, is still one of the best ways to spend listening to sports. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why he's still on the air. I lost sleep just thinking "If there's a God in heaven, why is he subjecting us to this?" I've contemplated pulling a Peter Griffin and running my truck into the radio antenna, but that would also mean missing The Dan Patrick Show or Game Night, both of which are great for passing the time at work.

Law & Order corner

Continuing our countdown of the characters of Law and Order, finishing second to the bottom is George Dzundza. To be fair, he was only on the show for its first year and you can tell that the writers were figuring out exactly how they wanted the show to run, but come on, he's the Pete Best of Law & Order. Granted, he left because he didn't want to work outside and ruin his voice (he's appeared in countless movies and TV roles), but it's Law and Order. Surely you knew you had a hit on your hands. However, his leaving opened the way for various cast changes to be made without affecting the overall premise of the show.

By the way, tonight's episode . . . fantastic, even with the worn out premise that the rookie ADA makes a mistake that nearly cost them the case before Jack McCoy does some of his best lawyering.

What I'm watching: I Love the 90s; Part Deux
What I want to read: God's Politics
On Deck: The unveiling of a new feature.

Desperate for 'Desperate Housewives'

Sunday night's at 9 p.m., there's only one thing I'll be doing. I'll be enjoying America's latest guilty pleasure Desperate Housewives on ABC. I had a hard time convincing Yes Dear that watching a show about 30-something housewives in suburbia was the best use of my time. Afterall, I'm neither desperate or a housewive, so there's really nothing there I could relate to.

So why do I like it? Well, for one, it's so different from everything else I normally watch on television. Sports, Law & Order, even the reality shows, are all lacking the absurdity and satire that Desperate Housewives brings to the table. What other show starts with a woman killing herself and then serving as the narrator for each episode. There's the former model having an affair with her gardener, the very attractive single mom falling for the new guy on the block who has some secrets of his own. The "June Clever" wife who has to have everything just perfect, so much so that her husband feels trapped in his own home.

More importantly, have you seen the characters on the show.

Teri Hatcher looks better now than she did playing Lois on Lois and Clark in the mid-90s. (On a side note, I saw the rerun of her on Saturday Night Live where she dressed up as David Spade and he dressed up as Hatcher. Ten years later and that skit still makes me laugh).

Watching Marcia Cross makes me wish I watched Melrose Place when she was about 10 years younger. She's a beauty.

And don't get me started on Eva Longoria. Wow. Good times, very good times.

But above all, I like the show because it's an escape from reality for an hour each week. Sure, all the events on the show happen everyday all across America, but they don't happen to me. (ok, sneaking into the home of your rival to spy on her because you think she's sleeping with the guy you have a crush on and then accidently burning her house down only to find out she was sleeping with someone else might not happen every day, but at least twice a week, no?) I'll admit it, I like living vicariously though the characters.

What I'm watching: American Idol
What I'm reading: Sporting News
On Deck: The worst sports talk radio show in America, and it's in my hometown!

Feeling 'Dirty' (and not the Christina Aguilera kind)

So I spent most of today doing what any sports fan was doing, I watched the Philadelphia Eagles topple the Vikings and then watched Official Brother's team, the New England Patriots, defeat the Colts 20-3. While neither of these games resulted in an exciting finish, they did have one thing in common . . . there were commercials and network promos galore. I don't think a commercial break went by on FOX that they didn't mention that American Idol was returning this Tuesday or, on CBS, that CSI: New York was coming on tomorrow.

It was the CSI: New York commericals that captured my attention, and not in a good way. First off, I think I'm one of three people in America that doesn't watch any of the CSI franchises on a regular basis. In fact, I've only watched a complete episode of any of them twice and found them to be fairly boring. Anyway, in this particular episode, a guy gets to go on a "ride-along" with a police officer when apparently the officer is shot. After a few twists and turns, one of the characters says "looks like we're dealing with a real life Bonnie and Clyde."

As it turns out, Bonnie and Clyde were real people, not the fictional people CSI: New York was trying to portray them as. So the only fictional Bonnie and Clyde are the two "real life" criminals on the show. Seriously guys, a three minute Google search would have told you more than you wanted to know about the famous fugitives.

Before I begin with my story about the nickname "Dirty," I have to introduce you to a new character not previously mentioned. (Even though it has no relation to the story, here's a free pic of Christina Aguilera)

Captian Kirk: So named because his name is Kirk, he's been one of my best friends since about eighth grade. He's two years older than me and currently married (more on her next) and working as a youth director in the Macon/Warner Robins area. He's got a fantastic sense of humor and a quick wit. Ask him what he's up to, and you're sure to hear "about two bills" (200 pounds).

First Mate: Captian Kirk's wife. I met her in college. She's much to good looking to be married to him. They recently celebrated their first-year anniversary, thought they got married right after New Year's, meaning I'll never get to spend New Year's Day watching football with him because they'll be off celebrating somewhere. If only he'd taken my advice.

Anyway, back in high school, I was a band nerd, (I was in band, I'm allowed to say it), as was Captian Kirk. Neither of use are much for foul language, feeling there are better words to accurate describe our feelings than needing profanity. Plus, it's offensive to some people. So we're practicing a song about a month before we're to perform it in front of judges and I miss a note (I played trumpet). It'd been a long day and I really didn't want to stay after school to practice that day, so I did what most high school students would do, I said s***. Normally this would be a big deal. After all, there's about 80 other people playing the song and I'm sure no one other than those right around me heard it.

Therein was the problem. Our band director was standing over my shoulder. To this day I don't know if he heard me, but Captian Kirk sure did. Having never heard me use profanity (like I said, I don't like it), he looked at me and said "Dirty Luke!" I'm assuming because it was so out of character, the name stuck. For the rest of high school, my friends called me Dirty. Since we both went to the same college, the name stuck for another two years before fading. However, he still calls me "Dirty."

What I'm watching: Desperate Housewives
In my CD Player: Bon Jovi: One Wild Night
On Deck: Why a soon-to-be 26-year-old loves Desperate Housewives

Great moments in writing (but not mine)

Despite the fact that I'm a professional writer (at least I was when I left the office Friday afternoon, there's always the chance Chief Bossman could wake up in the I-Need-to-Fire-Someone-Today mood during the weekend and ask me to turn in my key (more on that below), I don't read a lot of books. It's not that I don't want to, but it's more of the fact that I let things like my Playstation2, sports and television get in the way. Oh, and Yes Dear likes it when I spend time with her too.

Even though I'm not an avid reader in the traditional sense, I do spend quite a bit of time reading various columnists online. Granted, I'm not reading some obscure, underground author that has caused me to change my outlook on the world, but generally it's more the sports columnists as well as a few actual "news" columnists so I can sound like I know what I'm talking about.

As an aspiring (albeit, not very good) humor writer, I find myself reading humor columns and thinking to myself, "That's pure gold." Now I don't laugh out loud often when reading things, especially online (and especially when I'm at the office "working.") But today, I couldn't help myself.

Bill Simmons (ESPN's Sports Guy) was writing about the introductions to Monday Night Football and how he wished that type of introduction could be used in everyday life. (For those who don't know, the starters all have the opportunity to say their name and college when the offense or defense is introduced.) Simmons wrote that he wished that could be done instead of some cheesy DJ at weddings. It would go something to the effect of "Bill 'Big Game' Simmons, Usher, College of Holy Cross or "'Dirty' Luke Martin, Groomsman, The Georgia Southern University."

I asked Yes Dear if we weren't married, if she would have considered doing it. She looked at me as if I'd just asked if she minded if I took a call from Angelina Jolie in the other room. Since most of my friends are already married, I guess I have to pin my hopes on Official Brother.

In unrelated news, my key doesn't fit the lock at my work anymore. For the better part of three years, when people have asked me how work was going, I would inevitably say "well, my key still fits the lock, so I guess that means I'm still employed." However, when I left to go home for dinner Wednesday night, I noticed my key wasn't working correctly. When I got back, the door was locked and, sure enough, I wasn't getting in on my own. Fortunatley there were people there to let me in, but my irrational fears of getting fired have been with me ever since. (Maybe I can take the approach of one of George's girlfriends from Seinfeld and simply refuse to accept the firing. If I keep showing up, what are they going to do?)

What I'm playing: EA sports FIFA 2005
What I'm watching: NFL Playoffs
On Deck: The origins of the nickname "Dirty"

In the words . . . err . . . word of Jon Stewart . . .Whaaaaa?!?

Before I begin the introductions of coworkers one though eight, I can't let last night's Law & Order ending go without comment. It's been known for months that Elizabeth Rohm would be leaving the show, and last night was her final episode. Well, she ends up getting fired by District Attorney Allen Branch because he feels she's better suited for advocacy work and not the cold, harsh world of being a prosocuter.

Anyway, in the show's final scene, he fires her and she looks at him and says something to the effect of "it's not because I'm a lesbian, is it?" WHAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!! This came out of no where. Anyone who follows the show knows they don't delve into the characers' personal lives much, if at all, but to say this came out of left field would be and insult to things that legitmately came out of left field. This wasn't even in the same game. As comic book guy might say, "Worst. Ending. Ever. I will go and register my disgust on the Internet." Hopefully this isn't a jump the shark moment.

As promised, here's a closer look at the my coworkers (previously named Coworkers #'s 1-8)

Sports Guy: Now I know espn.com has their own sports guy, but ours is the guy. He's done everything from covering high school basketball to (a few) major league baseball to college football. He was sports editor until he asked to step down from the position to be a full-time writer covering Georgia Southern. Read his blog here.

Flaming Liberal: Perpetuating the "liberal media" stereotype, Flaming Liberal is just that. He hates the current administration, but he's not one of those hippie, "hug a tree" kind of guys. Actually he's a techno-geek who spends hours playing video games. He also runs www.stouthouse.org

Closet Conservative: While she refuses to admit to being a Republican, she loves George Bush to no end. To make things even more interesting, her cubicle is right behind Flaming Liberal's, which made for interesting debate during the campaign season.

Quiet Riot: Our newly named "Special Projects Editor", she's quiet, but if you talk to her, she's quite funny. She only works until 2 p.m. each day so she can take care of her daughter.

Embedded Reporter: While most of our staff focuses on our county, we have one roving reporter who is responsible for covering the surrounding counties. He's a fan of Fark.com and a New York Yankees fan.

Sports Bossman: Similar to Chief Bossman in terms of responsibilities, but only in charge of sports. At one point, he was our embedded reporter, but assumed his new role when Sports guy stepped down. Like me, he was married in the past two years.

Sports Gal: A transplant from the College of Charleston, this is the first job out of college for Sports Gal. She's come a long way considering she didn't follow football one bit when she got here.

Chief Bossman: I've already talked a little about him. He came here from Gainesville, Ga. where he served as editor there. As I've said before, he scares the daylights out of me, not because of any personality traits, but because he's the boss. And as a typical writer who never think anythings good enough, I go home each night scared out of my mind that what I did that day wasn't good enough. It makes it hard to sleep when you're in a constant state of worry and panic. Otherwise, he's a fantastic guy.

Weekend plans: None (and looking forward to it)
What I'm watching: It's a Friday night, hopefully nothing.
On Deck: Random thoughs from the day

John Madden, you wonderful, terrible man

I'm a sports nut. I even convinced Yes Dear to set our wedding date at the beginning of August to avoid conflits with football season (as a baseball fan, I figured I could miss a week of games on our honeymoon, but football season is an entirely different beast.)

Amazingly, Yes Dear went a long with it. However, Official Brother isn't pleased that I've told people about the plan, because when he and The Girlfriend discuss marriage (it's still a long way off), she doesn't want him to set their wedding date based on sports.

I'm learning more and more that my sports obsessed lifestyle is different and not altogether understood by members of the fairer sex. Of course, I grew up in a house with two brothers, a father who ran track and cross country and a mother who used a Vince Lombardi qoute in her senior yearbook.

Case in point, before Christmas, Official Parents took the family and The Girlfriend to dinner after some Christmas shopping. We end up at Outback Steakhouse (good times) and Parental Unit's favorite team is playing. Well, we're not fortunate enough to sit near a television, so when our waiter asks if we need anything, Parental Unit asked the waiter to check on the score.

Yes Dear and The Girlfriend were shocked. Of all people, the mother shoudn't be asking about a sports score at dinner. In fact, later, The Girlfriend asked Yes Dear how she puts up with sports all the time. Fortunately for me, Yes Dear has become a fan of the Cubs, thanks in part to Nomar Garciaparra's dashing good looks (or so I'm told).

So the sports obsession isn't entirely my fault. But not only do I watch sports almost constantly, but my Playstation2 video game collection is almost entirely sports games, including the last three installments of Madden and NCAA Football and I play them fairly often, much to the dismay of Yes Dear, who for some reason doesn't see playing video games as quality time together. Apparently, she feels that I don't pay her any attention when I'm . . . FIRST DOWN, good job guys . . . sorry, what was I saying?

So what if I plan vacations around sports. Heck, in college I would plan my spring semester around the week in March that the NCAA basketball tournament would start, scheduling classes to be done by noon so I could spend those days watching the tourney.

On my radio: ESPN radio
What I'm watching: Nothing tonight, stupid job (see below)
On deck: A closer look at the characters in the office

The downside of working at a newspaper . . .

One of the worst parts about working at a newspaper is the regular nights I end up working. Because I’m somehow a jack-of-all-trades (and believe me, I’m a master at none, and really not overly good an any, for that matter), I’ve ended up designing the sports pages two nights a week (known around the office as “doing desk.”)

During football season, I’m stuck in the office while everyone else is out covering games on Friday nights. My little town is like most in the South in that football reigns supreme, and that usually means I’m up at the office until 1 a.m. or later. Obviously it sucks and makes weekends basically nothing more than a chance to catch up on sleep and reset your clock for Monday morning. Now that football season is over, I’m stuck doing desk on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and that obviously means I’m missing Law & Order, which I believe is the single greatest show ever devised by the mind of mortal man. (Though SportsCenter is a close second).

Because of that, I end up taping each Wednesday’s episode (no Tivo for me yet) and watching it when I get home and finish watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I don’t mind so much, but it’s an inconvienence I’d rather not have to deal with. But on the plus side, I’m still gainfully (however meagerly) employed.

I bring up Law & Order because I feel if I’m going to make this blog work, I need some kind of rhythm and pacing to it, so every Wednesday for the next several months, I’m going to be counting down the characters from worst to first.

When I was putting the list together (no small feat considering the show has been on the air for almost 75 percent of Official Brother’s life, and he’s a college junior), the top and bottom of the list were easy, it’s the muddied middle ground that got difficult.

Anyway, at the very bottom of the list is Dianne West, who played District Attorney Nora Lewin for two seasons. She was absolutely dreadful in the roll. She looked in over her head, not able to convincingly portray someone with the power of the DA’s office. To make matters worse, she replaced Stephen Hill, who masterfully played DA Adam Schiff. If it weren’t for Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston) and Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach - God rest his soul), Law & Order would have jumped the shark at that time. I’d write more, but it’s to depressing (just like those miserable Psalms. It’s always ‘sorry this’ or ‘forgive me that’ or ‘I’m not worthy.’”

What I’m watching: Law & Order (On tape delay)
What I’m reading: Sports Illustrated
On deck: Why John Madden is ruining my marriage

Dave Thomas, the Energizer Bunny and more . .

So Yes Dear and I sit down to watch her favorite TV show (The Bachelorette with Jen Schefft) and this commercial for Wendy's comes on.

Granted, a commercial during a TV show isn't that intersting, but in this particular commercial, Wendy's was promoting their new Combo choice in which you can substitute a baked potato or other side item for your french fries. This is a good idea and long overdue, but near the end of the commercial, the voice-over guy says something along the lines of "We offer choices because that's something (Wendy's founder) Dave Thomas belived in. I find this hard to believe since Dave's been dead for several years now.

Speaking of commercials, Parental Unit has an outlook on advertising that I've adopted. Normally, advertisers try to sell you something through their commercial. However, if they develop a commercial that is over-the-top annoying, then she won't buy it. The Energizer Bunny, for example. Parental Unit refuses to buy Energizers because she hate's the bunny. It's only Duracell for her. She also refuses to by Charmin and a few other products.

Anyway, a little more about me. I've been married for about a year and a half now. My key fit the lock when I got home from work, so I take that as a sign things are still going well.

In my Playstation2: Madden NFL 2005
What I'm watching tonight: The Terminal starring Tom Hanks
On deck: Thoughts on Law & Order.

Seriously, you're reading this??

Greetings and salutations,

Welcome to my blog. Oddly enough, I don't read other people's blogs, but somehow I expect people to read mine.

Anyway, here's a quick introduction.

I'm a 26-year old married journalist.

Obviously, if you read reguarly, you'll learn more.

Anyway, before I begin, I should probably introduce you to some of the random people you're sure to encounter.

Yes Dear - My loving wife.

Official Brother - One of my two brothers. So named because when I write my newspaper columns, I refer to him as Official Brother. Despite the fact that we live in south Georgia, he's a fan of both the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots. Sure, this may seem weird, and you're right, it is. He's currently dating The Girlfriend, so don't get confused if I talk about her, I'm not refering to any girlfriend of mine.

Other Brother - He was off at school when I started writing columns, so I never mentioned him, so he doesn't get a cool name. He'll survive. He's a bookworm who enjoys the last two minutes of any close sporting event, so Official Brother and I make fun of him.

The Girlfriend - Generally seen with Official Brother, she's nice, and oddly enough, lives about a 3-iron away from me and Yes Dear. Despite the proximity, she never visits without Official Brother.

Parental Unit - Despite the fact that both my parents still are married to each other, I haven't been able to come up with separate names for them, so whenever I refer to either of them, they're Parental Unit. Don't worry, pronowns will be used to help you determine which is which.

Chief (also Chief Bossman) - My editor. He scares me because he has the power to fire me at the drop of a hat (which is why I don't wear hats around him, for fear of the dropping and the ensuing firings). He's a nice enough guy.

Coworkers #'s 1-8 - Any of the eight crazy people in the news department from time to time. There personalities range from normal to slightly off-kilter to downright strange. Really and endless source of entertainment.

In general, this is the cast of characters in my little part of the stage of life.

In my CD player: U2 - How to dismantle an atomic bomb
What I'm watching tonight: One of Yes Dear's two favorite shows, The Bachelorette
On Deck: Thoughts on Dave Thomas, the Energizer Bunny, and more about me.